Quote: Marc P @ 10th January 2015, 5:17 PM GMTWere you drinking at Caffe Nero?
Yep. I shoved the F in Caffe, Nero.
Quote: Jennie @ 10th January 2015, 5:18 PM GMTSigh.
Boys.
Us? Or the whole sex? 
Army, apparently Page 3
Hey jenny what do you actually think about in court?
Quote: Jennie @ 10th January 2015, 5:18 PM GMTSigh.
Boys.
Sinita fan?
Thanks for the replies everyone! I'll have a tinker and try and make the characters actually likeable.
Quote: Wills @ 10th January 2015, 11:03 AM GMTThis is better, the characters are stronger and you can see the action a bit more clearly. I agree with sootyj, at the moment some the gags seem a tad mean...at the moment the prostitute character doesn't have a voice - she's is a benign beast! It wouldn't take much; perhaps titch is unapologetic about sleeping with her rather than affirming what the others say? Or perhaps she has a cutting remark in return? Address the balance a bit
Thanks for reply Wills. So do you think if I made the woman out to be more vile/rude I could get away with the jokes about her? Or is it just too much?
Thanks!
Quote: sootyj @ 10th January 2015, 3:44 PM GMTHope you don't mind I had a crude fiddle with the beginning of the scene, to see how it felt with the lady speaking and Titchesson having a comically small penis,
Hey sootyj, yeah I see how that is better! Immediately feel for titch and even a bit sorry for him! Do you think it's okay to have somebody who is like titch and is quite nice toward the prostitute then Pte nurse who is pretty horrible about the whole thing, sort of what Marc p was saying about.
Oh also you think I should drop the whole penis joke, I'm wondering if it's been done before?
Cheers!
ask yourself what is the point you are trying to make Jodan? If the start of the script is just tired jokes sad men, two dimensional characters, are making about overweight women who sell themselves for sex and are such slobs they would eat old kebabs from the floor... But it's ok coz they are foreign. Do you think the lovely lady commissioners etc at Sky and the BBC and their Oxbridge male counterparts are going to want to carry on reading. Picture yourself reading it to them as it is. Have stereotypes have familiar scenes... Have banter if you will..but put something at stake, make it original, give it a Twist and find the funny from that.
My advice is to kill these babies.
Freshness sells. Think of giving some depth to your characters at the start so your audience will buy in. Your beginning should be polished brighter than your shoes ever were on parade ground!
I'm not trying to be mean but kill these babies Jordan. The jokes are a symptom is all. The tips of the iceberg. Work on the characters dynamics put something at stake in the scene and then punch it up with the funny lines.
Well done for working on it and posting it in this particular theatre of war by the way!
As you were 
I would avoid that route jodan, but that's just me. There's more comedy in switching power to her, not away. Strip it back; what you have is a fat, hairy prostitute that everyone's ripping the piss out of. If you make her vile too, there's no surprise or subversion. It's just a beast in a corner being beaten with a stick.
I'm not a fan of a lot of teen movies (I like Juno, I confess) but the principle is the same. The 'geek', the 'fat one' whoever it is. They have something over ones with the power. The source of comedy comes from whatever that is. Think of something this prostitute has over them all, which is revealed while she's getting abuse. The audience will laugh, because these 'studs' pride will take a dent from someone they see as beneath them.
Whilst I've been posting I thought about having Pte nurse say all this stuff about her, then he suddenly recognises her as the same girl he's slept with before and indeed has another "appointment" with her next week. Thought it would be handing some power over to her, in that she has a certain allure that the characters all seem to fall for.
Just about to buy the comic toolbox Marc p, I won't read to much into the full title "how to be funny even if you're not" 
Quote: Jodan @ 10th January 2015, 10:54 PM GMTWhilst I've been posting I thought about having Pte nurse say all this stuff about her, then he suddenly recognises her as the same girl he's slept with before and indeed has another "appointment" with her next week. Thought it would be handing some power over to her, in that she has a certain allure that the characters all seem to fall for.
Just about to buy the comic toolbox Marc p, I won't read to much into the full title "how to be funny even if you're not"
Good man
Like I say... Funny is the easy bit 
I would go even further, but that's certainly better
Always think about it in overtly humanistic terms, even if it feels like it's irrelevant in terms of your sitcom. Here we have a vulnerable woman in a mans world, alone. Presumably she's desperate and destitute, and turned to prostitution as a result. To add insult to injury she's not the best looker, overweight with a hairy back, and she's being bullied. Who wants to laugh at her, or would feel comfortable doing so?
As the audience, were much more likely to delight in her being the victor!
Quote: Wills @ 10th January 2015, 11:15 PM GMTHere we have a vulnerable woman in a mans world, alone. Presumably she's desperate and destitute, and turned to prostitution as a result. To add insult to injury she's not the best looker, overweight with a hairy back, and she's being bullied.
When you put it like that, it's pretty clear why it's not funny! Thanks for the replies, I'll stick at it, thinking it will be a good learning curve for me!
Yep - aim your vitriol up, not down.
Blackadder Goes Forth - who comes off worst? Melchett. Who comes off best? Baldrick.
Same principle.
Also think about moving the setting. You're starting off with a barrack room when there are a million house/flatshare comedies out there. You've got a hundred different scenarios you could begin with, for example:
A field exercise that people are trying to duck out of for various reasons like titch wanting to get away to shag someone he's texting. The ultra-keen new lance corporal trying not to put too much cam cream on because of his skin condition, Troops are a bit too top heavy for sitcoms (OC, Staffy, Sergeant) so remove one of them. Have either the Staffy or the Sergeant constantly doing resettlement or clearing but communicating with the troop by funny notes placed on the nominal roll or notice board, he must never be seen.
There are a lot of different things you can do and people want to see soldiers doing soldiery stuff. I know the funniest stuff in real life comes up around the back of a trailer (the old 'trailer of knowledge' as we used to call it) or a table in the cookhouse but people want to be shown not told.
Its good, needs some work, the comment cover it I think