Thanks for all the feedback. I'm still not sure what is wrong, but I will go back to the drawing board. I will study dialogue from the shows I love and see if I can improve.
This was my first time trying to write a sitcom (I am a creative writer, but not of scripts) and I wrote it in 5 days, so I don't really think I gave myself enough time to tinker with it. It was a good experience though and I will continue to try with comedy and other genres.
Gbus, television is a very 'highly paid' profession with lots of people looking to get a gig. Readers will expend the effort you spent exponentially downward in relation to the effort you put in. Nobody gets to play at Carnegie Hall without learning scales first. If you are serious about progressing take on board what I said.. which is that the dialogue is the least of the problems with the script. It is just the symptom most immediately manifest. Build from the ground up. I am guessing the five days you mention doesn't equate to five working days?
Quote: gbus @ 16th May 2014, 10:58 AM BSTI wrote it in 5 days, so I don't really think I gave myself enough time to tinker with it. It was a good experience though and I will continue to try with comedy and other genres.
Yeah, you need to spend longer than that on it. Plus allow time for it to sit before coming back to it with fresh eyes for the next draft. And the next draft. You shouldn't be showing off a rushed first draft.
Quote: Badge @ 16th May 2014, 10:27 AM BSTNot just talking. Doing.
Does that chat up line ever work?
But good point. Never forget the action
It's the same point as your chat up point.
Careful notorious lest I point it at you
Is there anywhere to get a hold of decent sitcom scripts? I can only seem to find shite like Mrs Browns Boys and 2 Pints of Lager on the writersroom site.
Don't be downhearted, gbus. Five days is a very short time in which to write a script, and what you call "tinkering" with it is by far the most important process, when after leaving it for a while the scales start to fall from your eyes, and you see the glaring faults, and rewrite, and see more faults and how you can improve the plot, and rewrite, and leave it, and rewrite again...don't for God's sake send this to the BBC, as it'll be rejected and you then won't be able to send a vastly improved version.
Quote: gbus @ 16th May 2014, 10:58 AM BSTThanks for all the feedback. I'm still not sure what is wrong, but I will go back to the drawing board. I will study dialogue from the shows I love and see if I can improve.
This was my first time trying to write a sitcom (I am a creative writer, but not of scripts) and I wrote it in 5 days, so I don't really think I gave myself enough time to tinker with it. It was a good experience though and I will continue to try with comedy and other genres.
If you want to pursue Sitcoms, Plays, dramatic/performance led writing, either now or in the future, I'd strongly suggest you take some acting classes. Even a bog standard class could be very beneficial, and it shouldn't be too difficult to find something cheap/reasonably priced either eg Adult Education classes. I learnt a tonne that way.
Initially I was totally out of my comfort zone, but I took the plunge, knowing I'd be pretty rubbish at acting and that it wasn't something I wanted to do per se, but sensing it'd do me a lot of good. I also told the teachers and my classmates upfront the reason I was going (to help my writing), and that seemed to go down fine - it also meant I felt under less pressure to prove myself as an actor. Later on, it led to some great opportunities too.
Just to be clear though, I'm not suggesting this path as a route to writing slick, superficial dialogue. An acting class should lead you to a greater understanding of the dynamics of a scene - what's really going on - and how to keep an audience on their toes.
Quote: beaky @ 16th May 2014, 1:51 PM BSTDon't be downhearted...don't for God's sake send this to the BBC, as it'll be rejected and you then won't be able to send a vastly improved version.
I think he already has, so maybe more downhearted than he was before. 2Pints was a special case coming from a specific internal initiative. Mrs Browns Boys is great, laugh out loud stuff. Sitcoms are meant to make you LOL as the young beatniks say man.
Quote: Marc P @ 16th May 2014, 3:46 PM BSTI think he already has, so maybe more downhearted than he was before. 2Pints was a special case coming from a specific internal initiative. Mrs Browns Boys is great, laugh out loud stuff. Sitcoms are meant to make you LOL as the young beatniks say man.
I'd rather gouge out my eyes than watch Mrs Brown's Boys 
Yeah, I already have submitted it. The final version was slightly different from the one on here - I tried to tidy things up a bit. After this thread I have no expectations, so if nothing comes of it, then that's okay. Will revise it for the next few months and try again. I know some people think it's a bad concept, but I really like the idea of it, so don't want to give it up for a while yet. At the same time, I don't plan on flogging a dead horse.
If it helps gnus it is a really bad idea. You are writing about something you have no experience about and it shows... the people reading it are in the industry you are writing about. For example you start with a ridiculously expensive scene that is neither necessary or funny. You may say it is intended not to be funny - but you don;t get a second chance to make a first impression. This particular in-house joke/comedy writers writing about comedy horse has been flogged long before you strode up with a crop. They guy who wrote Curb and Seinfeld knew his stuff inside out remember.
Quote: gbus @ 15th May 2014, 11:22 PM BSTOh no, I didn't mean it like that at all. It seems to amuse a lot of people, but then it doesn't amuse some people as this thread has proven. I guess it's just not everyone's cup of tea.
To be perfectly honest (and you have been nothing but gracious on here) it isn't funny. The people on here know how to spot a well constructed joke (I.e. Objectively funny) that is not their cup of tea. Be careful that people you know in real life do not have other agendas (I.e. They like you and want to keep you happy.)
I also agree that I would try and find a different subject - writing about the industry just makes things ten timed harder for yourself. How about putting this one away for a while and starting something else?
Quote: Jennie @ 16th May 2014, 8:18 PM BSTHow about putting this one away for a while?
Jennie's case for the prosecution. I don't know... It's not exactly Rumpole is it?
Quote: Marc P @ 16th May 2014, 10:29 PM BSTJennie's case for the prosecution. I don't know... It's not exactly Rumpole is it?
no ,more like 'clown' court....