Quote: sootyj @ September 22 2013, 9:13 PM BST

7That teacher who gave birth in her classroom?
Some people will do anything to get their first pick school.

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They used something very similar in the show didn't they?

Didn't listen maybe I should

INTROS:

The doctor who gave the world Viagra has developed a cure for premature ejaculation. One man, who wished to remain anonymous, said that its release couldn't come a moment too soon.

The number of drivers aged seventy or above has passed four million... hence why I get around by jetpack.

A councillor has apologised after suggesting that David Attenborough take a one-way trip to Switzerland. He now hopes that he'll be devoured by monkeys instead.

A time capsule has been unearthed thirty years after Steve Jobs buried it. Its contents included a six-pack of beer, computer hardware and a cure for pancreatic cancer.

JACK APPS:

If women splayed their legs wide on public transport... then I never would've bothered taking driving lessons.

I can tell you why Blackberry's aren't selling... it's because we're still in the strawberry season!

The Lib Dems shouldn't worry about the diversity of their MPs... as pretty soon they won't have any.

I wouldn't mind working a thirty hour week... after all it'd be thirty hours more than I'm currently managing.

It wouldn't bother me if Wayne Rooney's gone soft... but then I'm not a prostitute.

I've been cyber blackmailed... or at least that's what I told my wife when she caught me sexting her sister.

INTRO
Mistakes are like Miley Cyrus' bum, you don't really notice them until they're waved in your face. We would now like to correct some mistakes that have been waved in our face

Opinions. O is for opinions. P is the P in Opinions. I is for I have an Opinion. (fade out)

Welcome to Newsjack. For those people who took part in the survey that said they wanted more comedy from the eighties you're in luck

A two year old from Saudi Arabia became the youngest person to have a gastric bypass after he weighed in at five stone - wow they grow out so fast

Recent statistics suggest that one migrant is given citizenship every two and a half minutes, which is roughly how long it takes a Daily Mail reader to figure out how to click their fingers

The terror group al-Shabaab who have been linked to the siege in Kenya are now on twitter, which makes them the first official twitter trolls - although Cameron seems to like their tweets

JACK APPS
Thankfully tooth decay only affects one in four children today and not in the seventies - it could have been fatal to The Osmonds

I was happy to read that eight out of ten people disapprove of adultery, it finally explains all that tutting at my swingers party

I'm worried about the twenty-twenty-one Census being online, by then I'll be a pensioner and we all know pensioners can't use computers

First there's one parent families, now there's three parent IVF. What's wrong with a traditional family of a father who goes out to work and a mother who stays at home entertaining lots of men I can't tell daddy about because - oh mommy

I can't believe they're going to stop making VW vans this year, how will people know I'm an upper class kid pretending to be an American in the sixties? HashTag Totes Sad

People say politicians avoid questions from real people, but they didn't avoid mine. I mean it was rhetorical but it's nice to know how the prime minister sleeps at night

After a couple found themselves in hot water for buying eight hundred Ashes tickets I thought "finally the class war has truly begun!" Smash up the Couscous

Everyone is talking about how great that picture of the albino squirrel is. (Mocking) They're so rare. Rare or sneaky? I'm onto you red eye!

Ryanair have vowed to remove everything from their service that unnecessarily annoys their passengers. So that'll be their website, staff, Chief Executive...

UKIP - doing for the immigration debate what sailors on shore leave do for city centres

The Godfrey Bloom scandal has overshadowed the important policy decisions made at the UKIP conference - immigration, public spending and the unicorn cull.

Not keen on this new game where you have to kidnap the first Chancellor of a united Germany - Grand Theft Otto V B.

Durham police have left red boxes around the town for people to deposit their drugs in as part of an amnesty. That's going to be a really good game of Deal or No Deal when they get those back to the station. "Box 12 please Sarge." "It's a blue Chief, a blister pack of Viagra."

Ed Milliband has promised this week to keep public spending under control, disassociate his party from the Unions and keep a cap on immigration. Did he wander into the wrong conference by mistake or something?

Bradley Wiggins got a knighthood for winning the Tour de France. For winning the Tour of Britain he gets a Tufty club badge and a year's free hire of Boris bikes.

In this series of Downton Abbey, the part of Lady Grantham will be played by a replacement bus service between Lady Peterborough and Lady Newark Northgate.

BRAZILIAN:
I see the US was one button press from flattening South Carolina with a nuclear warhead. I promise my logging company do twice the area in half the time!

DRUNK:
17 polices to deal with one drunk? (HIC) I'm only tipsy and seeing double! How drunk do you have to be to see that many police ossifers?! (FALLS OVER)

VIEW:
You can say what you like about dictatorial ex-Sunderland manager Paulo di Canio, but at least he made the training run on time!

VIEW:
I've sold all my shares in Blackberry and invested in Apple. Let's hope they don't collapse as well, because I'll just be left with a massive crumble!

JUSTIN:
Billion dollar computer game, Grand Theft Auto 5, is crashing Xbox 360 consoles. And not just crashing them: abusing them, smashing them up with a baseball bat and selling the parts to pornographers.

OLD:
Psychologists have declared that childhood runs right up to 25. Well I may be 79 but I'm not just young at heart (BEAT) I also wear a nappy.

VIEW:
(CLOSE TO TEARS) I was really moved when the Pope called for a global economic system not based on the idolatry of money. In fact, I won £50k on it down the bookies! (WAILS) I'm so happy!

JUSTIN:
Cricketers have reached the human limit of the sport, say scientists. It is not possible for it to be even a little bit more tedious.

JUSTIN:
Gordon Brown's spin doctor admitted to years of smearing. But then, that's the left-handed for you.

JUSTIN:
Paulo di Canio has been sacked by Sunderland after a string of poor results. It is thought the problems stem from a little too much emphasis down the right-wing.

DI CANIO:
My players told me I like Mussolini. I say yes! I like spaghetti, ravioli, tortellini, but Mussolini my absolute favourite!

END

Dan

The best of my utter failures...

A pilot appeared in court last week, charged with being drunk in charge of his passenger jet. Police boarded the plane and asked the 54 year old captain form Pakistan to do a breath test.
One passenger commented 'He should've known really, as a 747 landing from the opposite direction was flashing its landing lights.

It's been revealed that the nation's top rated dream was to be a B&B owner. This has been replaced by the new dream of being a BBM owner.

According to a recent poll, most men would rather be impotent than bald. The most common given reason was 'At least with a full head of hair, you can get to first base'.

Spice Girl, Mel B, has revealed how she has snogged all the other members of the band. She, however, remained tight-lipped about whether she had enjoyed a 'Spice Girl' threesome, although it's common knowledge it had been the case since the release of their second album.

The number of native red squirrels has risen for the first time in 140 years, whilst foreign grey squirrels are on the decline. It's believed the change in figures may be due to the introduction of acorns with 'Go home or face arrest' etched on them.

Katie Price has revealed that a man has been charged with blackmail, after demanding money from her for her sexually explicit personal photos. The man, from Boots the Chemist, commented 'It's the same for everyone. No four ninety-nine, no snaps'.

Top performing bosses in the NHS are to be sent to 11 hospitals, with high death rates, to improve care. Dame Julie Moore of University Hospital Birmingham will be one of the first drafted in to help. The Health Secretary has said she would be sharing her knowledge and expertise in IT, although there may have been some misunderstanding of the phrase 'problems with viruses'.

PB.

Second week of failure. Here's to a hat-trick next week! Page of one-liners.

A girl who suffered from uncontrollable hiccups has gone on trial for murder. Eyewitnesses say the victim drowned while counting backwards and drinking water.

A public meeting has taken place in Durham regarding cuts to road crossing patrols during school lunchtimes. The turnout was poor as locals due to attend were stuck on the other side of the street.

Kenyan poachers are to be shamed online. They are being made to pay for their substandard eggs.

A 1952 car has been put up for auction with only 20 miles on the clock. The Triumph Herald is described as a classic car with one very careful lady owner. The car is expected to fetch between 12 and £15,000 once the male bidders stop laughing at the words very careful lady owner.

The Pope has attacked global economics for worshipping God of Money. The Church has revealed it will now excommunicate him for saying there is more than one God.

A report has revealed crimes on Facebook and Twitter in Northern Ireland have increased from 71 to 2,100 in the past 3 years. Police are thrilled as it's unusual for Northern Irish residents to flag any issues.

Everton have backed a new anti homophobia programme with the slogan "right behind gay footballers." which narrowly beat Liverpool FC's slogan "Gay Footballers are inside all of us."

A campaign highlighting the links between the trade in counterfeit goods and organised crime has been launched in Scotland. Newsjack have yet to receive a statement from a Scottish official as he currently has trouble receiving messages on his BlueBerry.

A report states that more workers will die building World Cup stadiums than will take to the field to play. Sepp Blatter's recent reasoning for bigger football teams is seen as his craziest yet.

Longer hours for Wales' air ambulances have led to a significant number of rescues at road crashes that crews would not have attended otherwise, saving many lives. The team's morale is sky high.

Texas is running out of the lethal execution drug. Officials are wondering how the band got hold of it in the first place.

Shadow chancellor Ed Balls has warned Labour not to "flinch" from cutting the deficit and reforming the economy. The same was asked of Balls when he was asked to stay awake during a vasectomy.

Ryanair has promised to be nicer to customers. A statement released by CEO Michael O Leary says that passengers will now be treated like dogs rather than cattle.

A reintroduction project has seen two releases of queen bees brought over from Sweden. Prince Charles is said to be livid after thinking he's been moved down the royal throne pecking order.

A huge snake on a plane has grounded a jet in Sydney. It's said to be a Boeing constrictor.

Intros;

Rolf Harris found himself in front of Magistrates, apparently a verdict has been made - but from the courtroom sketches we can't tell what it is yet.

A Tennessee judge has ruled a baby can keep the name Messiah despite rumours he's a very naughty boy.

Prince Charles has become the longest heir to the throne since 1714, while it's estimated that William only has seventeen to fourteen of his longest hairs left atop of his head.

The world record for visiting every tube station in London has been shattered by eight minutes... four hours, six days, two weeks and... basically the first person to attempt is yet to finish.

JackApps:

I'm glad Labour is planning to cut rates for small businesses; I can't downsize my flea circus any further.

If Labour really wants the women's vote they should expand twenty-five hours of child care a week to twenty-five hours of child care a day.

Five billion dollars for Blackberry; rip off, you can get a carton of Ribena for under a quid plus it stays in date twice as long.

These Tesco tablets are rubbish, I've had mine for three days now and I still can't figure it out, I'm starting to think I'll never get rid of this migraine.

The Beeb must supporting UKIP after Nigel Farage's Hitler moustache, pixel glitch; nice try BBC, on making him look like a powerful, right-wing leader that people will vote for, but I'm not falling for it... again.

Quote: Franklin @ September 27 2013, 11:59 AM BST

Everton have backed a new anti homophobia programme with the slogan "right behind gay footballers." which narrowly beat Liverpool FC's slogan "Gay Footballers are inside all of us."

A huge snake on a plane has grounded a jet in Sydney. It's said to be a Boeing constrictor.

View original

Franklin, I really liked these two, especially the Boeing constrictor.

Quote: BenBroughton @ September 27 2013, 3:46 PM BST

These Tesco tablets are rubbish, I've had mine for three days now and I still can't figure it out, I'm starting to think I'll never get rid of this migraine.

View original

I bought one of those Tesco tablet PCs. The minute I opened it up it shut down every other tablet PC in a three-mile radius.

Quote: AndyGilder @ September 27 2013, 3:57 PM BST

I bought one of those Tesco tablet PCs. The minute I opened it up it shut down every other tablet PC in a three-mile radius.

View original

Outclassed me with the Tesco tablet one-liner there, so I'm going to steal it for next week's episode.

Quote: BenBroughton @ September 27 2013, 4:11 PM BST

Outclassed me with the Tesco tablet one-liner there, so I'm going to steal it for next week's episode.

View original

See, plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery, not imitation.

Screw you, Charles Caleb Colton

Here's my efforts, anyone fancy saying anything nice that would just be swell

One liners

Its been revealed that seven athletes tested positive at this years world athletics championships, but with only one athlete making the finals, their steroids were probably ana-bollocks.

As scientists claim to have a vaccine that can eradicate all forms of flu, doctors warn of newer and more fabricated diseases such as man-fever, man-measles and the dreaded tu-bloke-ulosis being created during the next World Cup.

While Ed Milliband has this week made demands for more apprentices, Alan Sugar has responded by claiming there isn't the space around his board room table.

Despite having the UKIP whip taken from him, Godfrey Bloom has managed to find work on Channel 4 as the new face of Countdown's Dictionary Corner.

News-views

So a crane fell through the roof of a McDonald's restaurant, that's awful isn't it - calling McDonald's a restaurant.

Godfrey Bloom should count himself lucky, the last time I called someone a slut, it was me getting hit afterwards!

As Mr Clegg's solicitor, I can tell there no connection between Angela Merkel looking for a new coalition partner and him changing his name to Nicklaus Kleig.

Well we've marked Ed Balls' sums, and while they were largely correct we were shocked by the literal drawing of his surname on the back of page 5.

Corrections

We would like apologise for last weeks report on chemical weapons, the letter from the US to Syria outlined a suggestion for their disposal, and did not, as we reported, say "Angela Merkel thinks you're well fit."

Quote: Pete Turton @ September 27 2013, 4:33 PM BST

News-views

So a crane fell through the roof of a McDonald's restaurant, that's awful isn't it - calling McDonald's a restaurant.

View original

V good

So here are some of my failures from the first two weeks.

------------ WEEK ONE - w/c 16/9/2013 --------------

JackApps

I'm surprised the UK is Europe's addiction capital for drink and drugs. I always thought 'Europe's drug capital' was the big E at the start.

(Yorkshire old) Which daft bugger thought the current North-South split of Silver Surfers was owt but obvious? I'm 76 meself an' propah love ridin' t'waves, but Scarborough Bay in September's too bloodeh cold fer it!

I really do hope parliament doesn't waste time debating muslim veils when any vote to ban the niqab's a foregone conclusion. I mean everyone can see the eyes have it.

(male middle/upper class) I'm not surprised Prince William relaxes to the sounds of crickets, I've always found the sound of leather on Willow helps me sleep. And luckily Willow's normally up for it. (optional FX of whip/paddle and Willow's response)

One Liners (Even if some aren't one line...)

Opinions are like underwear - I rarely change mine.

This week a Google streetview car was involved in a collision with two buses. Crash investigators are appealing for photos of the accident. I wonder if they've tried googling it?

This week the Argentinian ambassador to London apologised for calling the PM 'Tonto' - the Spanish for dumb. It turns out she'd mistaken him for Johnny Depp. (beat) A relatively common problem ever since Cameron started making cuts like Edward Scissorhands.

This week the US and Russia faced criticism that their plan to destroy Assad's WMDs was a half-hearted token gesture, a claim they denied saying "when it comes to chemical weapons, they're totally Syria's."

Corrections

Our earlier report about Vince Cable attacking ugly conservative politics may have implied that he's against the politics of ugly conservatives such as Gove and Osborne. Thank you to everyone who called in to point out that Eric Pickles is no oil painting either.

----------- WEEK TWO - w/c 23/9/2013 ----------------

Viewsjack/JackApps

I always knew people could detect 10 basic smells. There's fragrant, pungent, woody, fruity, minty, lemony, popcorny... sneezy, dopey, and doc. Everyone always forgets Doc.

It's not fair that prisoners can still smoke wherever they want. I work in pubs, have never broken the law, but I'm not allowed to smoke behind bars.

I've heard a lot of people have concerns about Apple fingerprint recognition. Personally I'm more worried that apples have fingers at all. It's GM crops gone mad.

(Brummy accent) I hope Europhiles are pleased at the German election - I've always said that if it's going to survive then the EU needs a ruddy Merkel.

It's okay Labour saying they want an apprentice for every foreign skilled worker, but who's going to look after them all? Alan Sugar can't do it all by himself.

I don't know why the Irish are going on about their old bogman. My grandad's 97 an he's been in the lavvy ever since he ate all that Christmas pud in 1985 - but you don't hear me mention it, do you.

Like many, I voted for Dr Who in the poll of TV shows I'd most like to spend an evening with. I don't watch it, but if I want to spend an evening with Blue Peter, Sir Trevor McDonald and the Trotter family I'll need the extra room the TARDIS gives.

One Liners (Even if some aren't one line...)

Welcome to Newsjack - covering all the worlds news from the Venezuelan governments seizure of a toilet paper factory to the Brown smears of Damian McBride.

This week saw steam trains return to Rotherbridge station after 50 years. The driver apologised for the delay which was due to leaves on the line.

This week, guru Baba Ramdev faced embarassment at Heathrow when it looked like he might be turned back to India. A spokesman for the yoga guru said it wasn't the first time he'd found himself in a very awkward position.

This week the Office of Fair Trading accused big department stores of price fixing. They became suspicious when, no matter how much the retail price index bounced up and down, sports bra prices stayed firmly in place.

This week it was announced that the rate of town centre shops closing was slowing down. Absolute codswallop, I checked where I live and there's still as many closing as open each morning.