Hi guys, hope you are all well.
I have started writing a radio sitcom (it is still just a bare bones of an idea) and I was hoping to get some feedback on the opening scene. Please if you have any time I would appreciate any responses. I just want to check obviously a)is it okay to read/ follow? b)is it even remotely funny or have I just got carried away with the idea? & c)does anyone have any advice or help they can offer me with regard to this idea?

SCENE ONE:

Narrator

Isaac is determined to make his dad proud. Being the heir to a golf merchandise fortune had not deterred him from wanting to forge his own career. This is the story of how Isaac tries to move out from his father's shadow. The only thing in the way now is: 'Whenever He Opens His Mouth.'

FX: Door opening.

NARRATOR

This is Isaac.

Isaac

Hello!

NARRATOR

He would describe himself as...:

ISAAC

Fun, outgoing, popular, smart, motivated and well hung.

NARRATOR

This however is only 1/6 true.

Isaac

1/6? I will take that.

NARRATOR

Isaac is unfortunately not what most people would consider traditionally intelligent. In fact it would even be a stretch to credit him with non-traditional forms of intelligence. Nevertheless he is determined to prove to his father that he is capable of taking over the family golfing merchandise business.

Isaac

I am not 100% sure of what golfing merchandise is, but I need to make sure my dad knows he can trust me to run the company.

Narrator

Rolf Price is Isaac's father. He is the owner of Rolf Price's Golf Merchandise's - forgive the grammar - the 7th largest golfing merchandise distributor in the United Kingdom; excluding the Isle of White. Tragically, due to a freak strawberry picking accident Rolf Price was unable to have more children and so was stuck with Isaac and his sister Elizabeth, who lets face it would not be suited to running the business. Not sexist, she is just also incredibly stupid and it is very likely that I will not mention her again.

Isaac

Tell them about my plan.

Narrator

Oh yeah. Isaac has recently come up with a plan. He thinks that if he gets a job, finds a wife and becomes less reliant on his father then he will in turn prove his worth to the family business.

Isaac

I have drawn a graph.

Narrator

He is not joking. He has drawn a graph. Honestly, if you could see it you would be laughing. Seriously it looks like it was made up by an 8 year old.

Isaac

Hey!

Narrator

Look, I am here to say things how they are, that's my job, I am sorry.

FX: Door slams shut.

Narrator

Oh great! Now he is in a mood. You see what I have to put up with? He has probably gone to meet his friends Toby and Rita at the coffee shop - Lets go and see.

Hi Joe, I'll jump straight to part c) of your question. It's difficult to know how strong this might be as a sitcom as we're only really meeting Isaac in this opening (other than the narrator) and sitcom humour is usually strongly character based needing big dynamics between the characters.

The angle lends itself to Isaac and his father having very different ambitions for Isaac but that didn't seem to chime with the line about him wanting a wife etc to prove himself worthy to the family business. If you haven't already done so it's worth stepping back and studying your characters a bit more - an other thread there is advice on building your characters including their motivations, flaws, what we (the audience) love about them, hate about them. I'm a getting a little flavour from the extract but not a lot. If you've already written more, then it might be worth posting an scene where Isaac is interacting more directly with someone else ie his father.

If you intend to make Isaac and the narrator to the two main characters (and there's no reason why that shouldn't work) you'd need them to be much stronger and clear conflict of some sort. Hope that helps.

I like the idea of a narrator commenting on one's life all the time.It's a very sound comic device and obviously helps add more verbal gags.It being for radio that must be a good thing.Two pedantic points - I think it's better to say he's "heir to the golfing..." rather than "the heir...".Flows better maybe.When you say "traditional" and "non-traditional forms of intelligence.." do you,perhaps,not mean "conventional" and "non-conventional forms..." or something that's a dead funny type of intelligence that I can't think of just now?Any road up.It's good.Cheers.

Hi Joe,

I agree with Alison. If the narrator is going to be an intrinsic part of the sitcom, you need to establish a relationship between the narrator and Isaac.

I am yet to be sold on the use of the narrator as a technique here, but as it is only the opening scene, I will reserve judgement.

Just because it is for radio, you do not need to explain absolutely everything. You can escort the listener through the story without spelling everything out. Think of it as a gentle hand on the lower back, rather than grabbing by the wrists and dragging through the story.

Post some more - it's much easier to get a feel of things from a larger extract.

Oh, and to answer your questions:

a) yep, fine

b) Not really - but don't worry about that. You said yourself it is the "bare bones of an idea". Get some flesh on those bones, then worry about the funny.

c) See above.

That all seems like great advice, thank you very much guys

the narrator is supposed to be representative of the audience and is there to offer context for the listener which is more evident in the next scene. the characters are very strange and so the narrator is almost the voice of reason. the conflict is that Isaac wants to make his father proud and is willing to change himself in order to meet those expectations.

This is the next short section, again it is just a first draft but I appreciate any further feedback - thanks again

Scene two: int. Sophie carr's Coffee Bar.

FX: Coffee shop atmosphere.

Isaac is sat talking to his friends Toby and Rita.

Isaac

I don't believe it, another rejection email from that last interview.

Rita

I did try to tell you that you probably weren't qualified to be the head chef at Jamie Oliver's new restaurant.

ISAAC

I have a GCSE in food technology actually! And anyway it is not just this job, nobody wants to hire me.

Rita

I would hire you. I can think of loads of jobs you could help me with. There are plenty of folds in my back that can't be reached by my loafer. I could do with a good scrubbing if you're interested?

ISAAC

Thanks Rita, but I don't think that my dad would be too impressed. I need something a bit more permanent.

Rita

I would pay you.

Toby

Why don't you do what I do?

Isaac

You play your guitar in the street Toby.

Toby

Hey,that's how Bob Dylan started.

Isaac

Yes but he at least knew how to play the guitar.

Toby

Chords and frets are just boring details. Music comes from within man. And trust me you can earn some serious money. I am filled daily with big bucks from the generous men passing by.

NARRATOR

Toby is an American and has a rather unfortunate way with words.

Isaac

I don't thinkthat's for me to be honest Toby.

Toby

Oh come on! I could really do with a man like you backing me up while I strum myself off in the street all day.

Isaac

There must be a better way to say that.

FX: Footsteps

The waitress comes over to take their orders.

Waitress

Good morning

ISAAC

You didn't hear any of that did you?

WAITRESS

No

NARRATOR

She heard every word.

Waitress

What can I get for you today?

Isaac

I think we will have 3 CAPP-UCK-KINOs please

Waitress

Do you mean cappuccinos?

Isaac

Yeah well, Potato, Tomato

Toby

Actually I wouldn't mind something a bit stiffer inside me if I can stretch myself for it.

Isaac

Seriously? I am going to have to start recording you. Your phrases are becoming worse.

Still no conflict, still no story. (There is a semblance of one with his failure to get jobs, but that then gets neglected in favour of the small talk with the waitress.)

Write a scene where there is conflict. Doesn't matter what it is, what it's about, who it's between. Just write some conflict.

Ok this needs a lot of work.

First of all the narrator is a very poor idea. A narrator can work if a character in their own right (DangerMouse), a character reflecting back on themselves (The Middle). But not as a device for driving the story along.

Secondly all the action revolves around the hero who is totally sympathetic. So it's a case of a dull character being the foil to jokes from other characters.

Thirdly the dialogue is completely stacato. It just doesn't sound at all natural.

I really think you need to start over. Seriously create some actual characters in a more convincing setting. At the moment this is mostly a collection of one note jokes.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but you gotta write a lot of not so good stuff before you hit your stride.

Quote: Joe Scholes @ July 21 2013, 1:46 AM BST

Hi guys, hope you are all well.
I have started writing a radio sitcom (it is still just a bare bones of an idea)

View original

I think this is the problem. It is difficult to start writing a script without a proper idea of your characters, setting and plot.

Do some planning. When you eventually sit down to write, you will at least know where you are going and what you want to achieve.

A sitcom should be like popping into meet a bunch of people you want to spend time with.

Yeah, I agree with a lot of what has been said and I'm glad for the advice. I'm aware that this needs a lot of work and I'm still very new to all this so I am happy to learn from critiques on here - so thanks

but for the sake of debate I would have to contest a few of the points raised.
the narrator can be a beautiful tool in comedy when it is done well (admittedly I may not be using it that way) - it can be used to re-inforce, remind, switch attention and even makes jokes itself, as well as moving the plot seamlessly along. it also heightens the humour in the plot or the situation to the same level as the actual gags within the show. if you have ever watched arrested development, which in my book is the best sitcom for the last 10 years, you can see it being used brilliantly (again, I know my work is way off)

in terms of the characters I agree with jennie that they are not fully formed and so do not drive the plot forward enough and that is something that obviously needs to be worked on - however I think that dialogue doesn't always have to sound 'real'. each sitcom is its own unique world and the norms within them may not be the same as the norms of real life - and the dynamics of that in itself can be funny (when done right)

the characters that I wanted to create are weird and stupid and awkward - which is what was meant to make them intriguing and likeable - I realise that I haven't managed that though

thanks again

Have a read of this, Joe:

http://sitcomgeek.blogspot.co.uk/2010/04/wonder-of-narration.html

Debate is good - always come back on the points you disagree with!

Keep going with creating characters that are weird and stupid and awkward. The next step is working out HOW they are weird and stupid and awkward, and how that is funny.

And for what it's worth, I am totally with you on the dialogue front. Dialogue needs to sound natural within the boundaries of the sitcom, not necessarily
"real". All dialogue is heightened realism.

But I think Sooty's point was that the dialogue should sound "natural". "Natural" is different to "real". The dialogue should sound right coming from the lips of that character. Keep going with it

Yeah you're right Jennie - thanks again for your help

that link is great as well, cheers

Hi Joe

Just to be clear a good narrator can be a fantastic tool. I think the Wonder Years maybe the best example, or was there one where the hero had a live commentary.

You haven't written that. You've got a second comedic voice andthat's it, slows the action, kills the tension doesn't work.

Secondly by natural I mean sounding vaguely like people speak. Everyone from Mo the Bar Tender to CJ in Perrin can be weird, eccentric or surreal. But their styles are at least plausible.
Your's aren't, read it aloud slowly. And hear how much it sounds less like dialogue and more a series of setup and punchlines from a joke book.

But supreme compliment you've inspired me to have a go at a narrator centred sitcom.

I really like the narrator idea. I think you could have more dialogue between the narrator and Isaac, as it could be really funny, Isaac getting pissed off with him and all (assuming it's a man). Couldn't really get an idea of overall story and driving narrative but there were some funny lines.