Philosophy. What is the point? What's the point of anything? Someone should look into that.

Guv (Al Murray) in episode 2.9

Honestly, the only person who knows less about Ireland than you, is everyone in America.

Guv (Al Murray). Guv is not impressed as Connie flirts with an Irish decorator in episode 2.4

Old Man, you know we don't use the 'A' word in here! We refer to them as the Liquid Crusaders Fighting the Holy War Against the Tea-Total Taliban.

Guv (Al Murray). The Guv objects to use of the work 'alcoholic' in episode 2.2

The people I'll never understand are those Americans who pretend to be Irish. As if it's not bad enough being American!

Terry (Phil Daniels) in episode 1.13

Jealous? Of the Irish? The only reason, love, I can think to be jealous of the Irish is that they're further away than us from FRANCE.

Guv (Al Murray). Janet's suspicions over the Guv's adverse reaction to a stout pump are quickly denied in episode 1.13

I tell you, this country's called Great Britain; it would be called Amazing Britain if it wasn't for tits like him pulling the average down.

Guv (Al Murray). The Guv delivers his verdict on a St. John's Ambulance volunteer in episode 1.3

It's true, we never put a man on the moon; BUT, we were the first up Everest, which is the nearest you can get without the sodding fireworks.

Guv (Al Murray) in episode 1.3

Old Man: "Well, I think a gay night sounds like fun. A whole night, where folk can forget their worries and be as gay as they please."
Guv: "Yeah Grandad, I think you're using the word 'gay' in its old-fashioned sense."
Old Man: "I can assure you, I am not."

The nameless old man reacts to the news of the pub holding a gay night in episode 1.2

Steve, I'm all for equality, I am, yeah? That's why I let my female staff work longer; so they can earn the same as the men.

Guv (Al Murray). Guv explains his approach to equality in episode 1.1