INT. NIGHTCLUB - MIDNIGHT

A SMOOTH TALKING, SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT LOTHARIO WALKS UP TO A GOOD LOOKING GIRL IN A BUSY NIGHTCLUB.

MAN:
Hi there. Haven't we met before?

GIRL (dismissively):
I doubt it. I think I'd remember.

MAN:
Can I buy you a drink?

GIRL (sipping from her Bacardi and coke):
No thanks, I'm teetotal.

MAN:
Do you come here often?

GIRL:
I used to; I'm currently reassessing my position.

MAN:
Here's 20p, phone your mom to tell her you won't be coming home tonight.

GIRL:
I don't live with my mother, I'm a grown-up.

MAN:
You know, if I could remake the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.

GIRL:
I'd be pleasantly surprised if you could recite the alphabet as it stands.

MAN:
A quick question: do you sleep on your stomach? Because I'll let you sleep on mine.

GIRL:
No thanks, I'm scared of heights.

MAN:
Is that a ladder in your stockings or a stairway to heaven?

GIRL:
You're too fat to even consider climbing stairs.

MAN:
Are your legs hurting? Because you've been running threw my mind all night long.

GIRL:
My legs are fine; I do have an arsehole problem though.

MAN:
Do you have a plaster? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

GIRL:
You'd better tell the gaffer; that crater you left must be dangerous.

MAN:
How long have you been in the oven? Because I can feel something rising.

GIRL:
It's just my sense of repulsion.

MAN:
Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

GIRL:
I know what your father used to do...his sister.

THE MAN SLAPS HER ACROSS THE FACE

GIRL:
Your place or mine?

The Richard and Judy Book Club Top Ten books for Valentines day:

Have Her Eating Out Of Your Hand by Ro Hypnol

Chocolate won't Get Him Anywhere by Ima Dyke

Love Through Skimpy Undies by I.C. Muff

How to Love The Larger Lady Like Me by Nolene Bird

First Time Bum Fun by R.U. Ready and Stan By

Don't Let Her Know You Care by Professor Nuttin

Passion After The Menopause by V. Dry

Lady-boys need lovin too by Ivor John Thomas

If I Can't Love Her, No one Will by Hunter Downe

Petrol Station Flowers! by Han Zoff

INT.RESTAURANT.EVE

BATMAN AND CATWOMAN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING TO ORDER

CATWOMAN (GOING IN HER BAG)
Don't be angry darling but I've got you something?

BATMAN
But I thought we agreed this was our present

CATWOMAN
I know, I know, but it's only a little something... here, happy anniversary!

CATWOMAN HANDS HIM A SMALL WRAPPED PARCEL

BATMAN
Thank you but you shouldn't have, I feel bad now

CATWOMAN
Don't, just open it

BATMAN OPENS THE PARCEL. HIS FACE DROPS

BATMAN
Oh. Good. A dead bird

CATWOMAN
You don't like it do you?

BATMAN
No I do, it's lovely, it really is, very nice, thank you

CATWOMAN
You're upset because it's a Robin, aren't you?

BATMAN
No, absolutely not. Why would I be?

CATWOMAN GIVES HIM A LOOK

BATMAN
That's all in the past now, you know it is

CATWOMAN (SIGHING)
Yes, I'm sorry, you're right. I'm being silly I know...I love you Bruce

BATMAN
I love you too Robin...erm, Selina!

BATMAN WINCES AT HIS MISTAKE. A WAITER APPROACHES THE TABLE AND NOTICES THE REALLY PISSED OFF LOOK ON CATWOMANS FACE

WAITER
I'll come back shall I?

BATMAN
Please

WALTER: I've got a surprise for you.

LIFTS SHIRT TO REVEAL TATOO WITH 'STEPHANIE FANSHAW' ACROSS HIS CHEST.

STEPHANIE: Oh, Walter, you shouldn't have.

WALTER: It was only six hours of excruciating pain.

STEPHANIE: No really, you should'nt have. It's spelt F.E.A.T.H.E.R.S.T.O.N.H.A.U.G.H.

WALTER: Really, but that's not how it's pronounced?

STEPHANIE: You don't even know how to spell my surname? We're finished!

WALTER: Don't worry, I'll just add 'IS A STUCK UP BITCH'.

INT. DAY. FLORISTS.

A WOMAN IS IN THE SHOP FLOWER ARRANGING WHEN TWO MEN WALK IN. ONE IS DRESSED AS A PRISON OFFICER AND IS HANDCUFFED TO THE OTHER MAN WHO IS WEARING A PRISON UNIFORM.

PRISONER:
Hello, do you deliver flowers?

WOMAN:
Yes, we do.

PRISONER:
Ok, can I write a verse first to send with the flowers?

WOMAN:
Sure.

SHE GIVES PRISONER A CARD. HE WRITES SOMETHING DOWN.
CLOSE UP OF CARD WHICH READS:

'Roses are red,
Domestic violence is black and blue,
I'm due out of jail soon,
here's a little bouquet for you.'

WOMAN:
And what flowers would you like sir? Perhaps some lilies or carnations?

PRISONER SCANS THE SHOP AND HANDS THE WOMAN A WREATH.

INT. CASTLE BEDROOM. DAY

A WOMAN IN HER 40s IS SNORING IN A LARGE DILAPIDATED FOUR-POSTER BED. A 50-YEAR-OLD PRINCE IN MOTH-EATEN JACKET AND TIGHTS STOMPS INTO THE ROOM AND THROWS OPEN THE DUST-LADEN CURTAINS

PRINCE
C'huh. surprise, surprise - get up you dozy mare!

HE KICKS THE BED. NO RESPONSE. HE LEANS IN AND SHOUTS

PRINCE
Oi! Wake up sleeping ugly!

SLEEPING BEAUTY (ROUSING)
Ooooh, I was just having forty winks.

PRINCE
Weeks, more like! Now shift your suppurating hulk out of bed.

SLEEPING BEAUTY (HURT)
Charming. You know... you used to be so romantic

PRINCE
Before I found out you had terminal bedsores, you mean?

SLEEPING BEAUTY
That's not very PC.

PRINCE
Well, perhaps you should have married bloody 'PC' instead. Oh hold on, I forgot - you're narcoleptic twin 'Ho White' snapped up the poor schmuck, didn't she?

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Don't be so mean. She's lovely and so is Prince Charming - sweet and simple.

PRINCE
Yeah - certainly not the brightest tights in the wardrobe. Couldn't even work out the reason she was unconscious was that the diamond-digger was shagged out from servicing seven horny midgets.

SLEEPING BEAUTY
That's not true. Just like me, she was a lady in waiting hoping that one day her prince would come.

PRINCE
Well, at least she gets to see her prince come - you're dead to the world the minute your hand touches my prick!

Kasm - loved the idea. Just wasn't as well executed as your usual stuff. Would have preferred a non-crude ending.

Will Cam - had a good chuckle at some of those

Steve Sunshine - something different and I did laugh at them all BUT it was way tooooo easy with those pics :-)

Angie - again...brilliant idea but I don't think the excection was up to your usual standard

Gerry - WAS my winner until Nigel posted. Loved it Gerry. Out there as always. GREAT.

Nigel - totally different angle. peed myself laughing. you need your head looked at...the topic was ROMANCE!

VOTE = NIGEL

I loved Angie's but Nigel's dark humour just pipped it.

NIGEL for me.

AngieBaby.

An excellent crop this week, with M Paterson, Mr Sunshine and Will Cam's efforts my favs.

I'm a bit of a wordplay fanboy, so my vote goes to Will.

Gerry McDonalds no. 1.

I liked 6, 9 and 10 Will.

Cool Mikado, liked the idea but it went out with a whimper, or little meow.

Otterfox, nice idea, possibly a bit long for my tastes and could have ended stronger.

AngieBaby

Gerry for me

Angiebaby was my favourite.

Nil, Nigel and Gerry were all very good but I think Otterfox just pipped them with this bit:

A nice red brick reminds me of you
An elf getting sick reminds me of you

A swan on helium reminds me of you
A tshirt sized medium reminds me of you