INT. CASTLE.

KING:
Finally our salvation has arrived. The Knights Templar are here to save the day and just on time. The savages attack tonight.

KNIGHT:
Thank you sire but we're not the Knights Templar sire. We're the Knights Simpler.

KING:
The who?

KNIGHT:
(CONFIDENT VOICE) The Knights Simpler at your service. We cut out several components of extravagance that the Knights Templar employ. We're here to do a job for you andthat's what we might do Godammit!

KING:
Do you have the same level of skill?

KNIGHT:
Yes. Yes, we certainly do not have the same skill levels.

KING:
Now listen here. I got a letter back clearly stating that the Knights Templar would be coming.

KNIGHT:
Let's see. Ah yes, you see that may look like the Knights Templar written down there but you see we have a great devotion to St. Bartlebus and he is the patron saint of getting your T and A's mixed up with you S and E's so 'Templar' becomes 'Simpler'.

KING:
But the 2nd letter of Templar is 'e' and that has been changed to 'i' in Simpler.

BEAT
KNIGHT:
He is also the patron saint of incompetance, idiosyncrecy and clumsiness. Allow us now to say our prayer to St. Bartlebus before we do battle.

'Oh idiotic Bartlebus. Whose clumsiness embraced eejits and fools alike.

You joyfully endured ridicule, stonings and tickles for the pronounciation of your T and A's.

We would now like to use this verse to imitate thy virtues and pronounce as wrongly as you once did.
Bartlebus you endured meny Sriels and Sribuletions for our glory.
You resisted the sempsesions of money, women end comforss for meny months bus finelly geve in.
Help us to do much besser shen you.

Oh Bartlebus you are truly an idiot. You showed us this when you fell off a roof unto the Romans.

Oh Bartlebus you are truly a clumsy bastard. You showed us this when you spilled all the bread into the river needed for thy needy brethren.

Oh Bartlebus you are truly incompetant. You showed us this by the way you could never do anything.

Allow us to be as useless in thine honour. Amen.'

Right. Let us ride into battle like heroes! Where do we get the horses and the swords and all that kind of stuff?

END.

It's Mutton Geoff for me. Nice twist at the end!

Between Steve and the Mikado for me. I'll go for Mr. Sunshine.

Mr Sunshine for me.

Steve sunshine gets my vote.

Leevil for me

Sunshine gets my vote too

The Cool Mikado.

I'M past it in the deadline sense. However here's my mediocre contribution:

A) Good day my good man, I came running when I receive word that you are
bent upon jousting.

B) Where'd you hear that?

A) T'were a chain-mail letter that carried the news.

B) I thought I'd protected meself against all that tinned-spam, bollocks?

A) Verily so, I see that your bishop is well protected.

B) Way you're talkin' you must be a roundhead?

A) I'm a fully paid-up knight.

B) Really? Let's see yer helmet, then.

A) I'll show you my helmet if you show me your Jack Straw's Castle.

B) Got your number pal, gay cavalier aint'cha?

A) Would you like to feel the tip of my lance?

B) You jesting?

A) No. I'm talking about a bit of friendly jousting.

B) Piss off before I joust you in the bollocks.

A) I come in peace, why so much agression?

B) You ain't gonna cum in my piece. Piss off.

A) Fear not my good man. It will all be alright on the knight.

B) Who are ya, anyway?

A) I am the famous Sir Lanceabot, slayer of men and enemies of my King.

B) SWINGS HIS BROADSWORD AND LOPS OF HIS ANTAGONIST'S HEAD
I'm Jack the lad, slayer of dragon queens, take that you flamin' nancy.

The harpist formerly known as 'Fred Sunshine'

Lots of good ones, too many to mention.
My favourites were the Cool Mikado & Leevil.
I'll go for the Cool Mikado.. by a 'Whisker'

Steve Sunshine.

Damn that Whisker!

Regrettably... Freve Sunshine.

Liked Sunshine Steve's, but I'll go for Nigel Kelly [despite the fact that knights had sh*t-flaps in their suits of armour].

Nil Putters gets my vote. The last bit made me laugh out loud.