Hi David. Who are you and what do you do in comedy?

I'm the weirdo in the cafe writing dialogue and saying it aloud. I can't help it. I write sitcom and short film scripts.

Can you remember the first thing you wrote?

I first thought about writing a script fifteen years, eleven flat shares and twelve 'permanent' jobs before I finally did so. The masterpiece I had been building up to was about my first job as a cashier in a bank, where I worked until I realised I was a cashier in a bank. It was all jokes and no character, which is probably what the bank manager would have said about me. The structure was all over the place, the plot didn't make sense and the comedic tone varied from scene to scene. None of this mattered because I'd done it. I'd written a script and no one could ever take that away from me. Although following a catastrophic error in a house move, the bin man did just that.

Tell us about your comedy favourites.

I started young on sitcoms in a house where the telly never went off. I was watching Ever Decreasing Circles as a child with very little clue about what was going on. I'm from the north of England, so perhaps I was drawn to Martin's despair. Richard Briers was my favourite comedic actor as a kid, although if anyone asked, I would have said Rik Mayall. That said, I don't think many 11 year olds would have bounded up to me in the playground asking "Who is your favourite comedic actor of this era?"

Aside from classics like Fawlty Towers, Blackadder, Seinfeld, Frasier, Cheers etc. I really like Brooklyn 99, Community and Modern Family and closer to home, Lovesick, Friday Night Dinner and Detectorists stick out as favourites.

How has your writing evolved, for the better, since you started out?

I remember clinging onto gags when I first started. I'd do anything to get a one liner I liked into a scene. It took me a few years to realise there will always be another gag. I've learnt about how to make comedy come from character through reading a lot of scripts and screenwriting theory books over the years. I'm also a big fan of Sitcom Geeks podcast. Having a writing partner really helps and Mike Arber, who I have been writing with for the last few years, keeps me improving. If one of us doesn't like a line, it goes.

If you had £1m to spend on comedy, where would your money go?

Assuming £1 million is as useful now as it was to 1960's Bond villains, I'd like to fund a pilot season of sitcoms by new writers. Each one would be ten minutes long and would have unknown actors. Can this go on BBC One? Let's say yes to that. And with any spare money (I know!), I'd pay someone popular, but skint to promote this to their one billion followers on Twitter. Ideas and business acumen....I really am the full package.

What are your hopes for your current comedy projects?

Having knocked gently on doors with a sparrow's tail feather, politely requesting someone read our scripts, Mike and I recently concluded this approach might not be working. We're planning to record a scene or two from one of our scripts and we're looking at recording them as audio comedies too. To add to these plans, I'm going to Edinburgh next month where I hope to meet like minded people who can advise on the best way to burn money in the name of comedy. I'd love to see one of our scripts performed in a theatre and why can't that happen? Don't answer that.

Where would your family be most surprised to find you?

A garden centre. I am not a garden person. The countryside does not belong in captivity.

If a genie offered you one wish, what would you ask for?

If the genie could grant me an extra day of satisfaction after finishing a first draft of a script before I want to burn it, bury the ashes and put up a sign saying 'No Scripts Buried Here', that would be lovely. Given the lack of restrictions on what I could wish for, I can see how this might come across as a touch selfish. Will anyone read this? If so, world peace was my first and only thought.

Published: Friday 23rd July 2021