Writers note: This is a long one but I like it
INT: THE SEAGULL INN.
A BAR MANAGER IS STOOD BEHIND HIS BAR IN A DIRTY, UNKEMPT PUB LOOKING AT THE CLOCK. HE IS BARSTEWARD.
BARSTEWARD IS BUTTONING UP A LONG COAT BUT YOU DON'T SEE WHAT HE IS WEARING UNDERNEATH
A BARMAN COMES IN TO START HIS SHIFT IN THE PUB. HE TAKES HIS COAT OFF REVEALING HE IS ALSO A VICAR
BARSTEWARD
Late as usual
(FINISHES HIS PINT)
Right I'm off to do some work
VICAR BARMAN
See ya later Boss
EXT: OUTSIDE SEAGULL INN.
BARSTEWARD LEAVES PUB AND WALKS AROUND THE CORNER.
CUT TO:
BARSTEWARD WALKS INTO A BUILDING THAT CLEARLY STATES IT IS HOLDING AN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING.
A GROUP OF ALCOHOLICS ARE SAT IN A CIRCLE, TAKING TURNS TO TELL THEIR TRAGIC TALES OF HOW ALCOHOL HAS RUINED THEIR LIVES IN HORRIBLE WAYS. A DISTRAUGHT MAN WITH A NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK FINISHES HIS STORY AND NEXT TO HIM SITS BARSTEWARD, WHOSE TURN IT NOW IS TO TELL HIS OWN STORY.
WE GET A TIGHT SHOT OF BARSTEWARDS FACE IN A VERY SOMBRE, SERIOUS MOOD AND IT APPEARS HE IS JUST ABOUT OF TELL HIS TALE OF WOE WHEN THE CAMERA QUICKLY ZOOMS OUT TO SHOW BARSTEWARD LEAPING UP ONTO HIS CHAIR, THROWING OFF HIS LONG COAT AND REVEALING HIMSELF TO BE DRESSED AS THE PIPE PIPER.
BARSTEWARD BRANDISHES A MUSICAL PIPE
AS THE PIPE PIPER HE BEGINS PLAYING THE PIPE WONDERFULLY, HE PRANCES AND DANCES BETWEEN PEOPLE, AND DRAMATICALLY MAKES HIS WAY TO THE EXIT DOOR.
SOON WE REALISE THAT TO THE TUNE OF HIS PIPE A CONGA LINE OF PEOPLE ARE FOLLOWING THE PIPER OUT OF THE DOOR. THE ALCOHOLICS FROM THE MEETING WHO WERE JUST TELLING EACH OTHER HOW BOOZE HAVE RUINED THEIR LIVES BEGIN TO DANCE MERRILY AND SKIP ALONG LIKE GIDDY CHILDREN AS THEY FOLLOW THE PIPER AND HIS MAGICAL TUNE
WE SEE THE CONGA LINE OF DRUNKS FOLLOWING THE BARSTEWARD MERRILY DOWN THE STREET AND AS THIS IS HAPPENING OTHER PEOPLE BEGIN TO JOIN IN, PEOPLE WHO REALLY SHOULDN'T
WE SEE A GROUP OF PEOPLE AT A FUNERAL ABOUT TO BURY A LOVED ONE, ALL VERY SAD WHEN THE COFFIN LID FLIPS OPEN AND A MAN JUMPS OUT AND PRANCES OFF TO JOIN THE LINE, THE PRIEST AND THE PAGE BOYS SOON FOLLOW
WE SEE A WOMAN HAVING A HOME BIRTH AND SHE IS JUST GIVING BIRTH WHEN THE BABY (A OBVIOUS DOLL/ ANIMATION TO ACHIEVE THIS PART) JUMPS OFF TO JOIN THE LINE AND THEN TOO THE SMALL HOUSE DOG (IMPORTANT THAT THE DOG IS SEEN FOR LATER SCENES) AS THE MOTHER CHEERFULLY WAVES THEM OFF
WE SEE A CROSS IN THE MIDDLE OF A COUNCIL ESTATE WITH JESUS SURROUNDED BY ROMANS, WEEPERS AND THE OLD BOY RACER SEEING WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT. JESUS LOOKS UP AS A LIGHT BEAMS DOWN AND HE BEGINS TO ASCEND TO HEAVEN BUT AS SOON AS BARSTEWARD PASSES PLAYING HIS PIPE HE GOES 'OOOOH', HOPS OFF AND JOINS THE LINE
TWO PRIESTS WITNESS THIS
PRIEST 1
(Says to second Priest)
Hey there’s Jesus, quick lets go say hello
THE SECOND PRIEST STOPS HIM
PRIEST 2
You should never meet your heroes, you’ll only be disappointed
CUT TO:
EXT: OUTSIDE THE SEAGULL INN PUB
THE REV BARMAN IS DRINKING A PINT LOOKING AT THE STRANGE SIGHT OF THIS MEDIEVAL PIPE PIPER LEADING A LONG GROUP OF UNDESIRABLES TOWARDS THE PUB
BARSTEWARD A.K.A THE PIPE PIPER STOPS NEXT TO HIS BARMAN AS HE CONTINUES TO PLAY HIS PIPE WHICH IS LEADING ALL THE AA MEMBERS AND OTHERS INTO HIS BAR. ALL OF THEM ARE STILL GIDDILY HAPPY AND DANCING INTO HIS PUB TO HIS MAGIC TUNE.
WHEN THE LAST PERSON HAS VENTURED THROUGH THE PUB DOOR (THAT LAST PERSON BEING THE NEWBORN BABY AND HIS PET SMALL DOG) BARSTEWARD TURNS TO A SHOCKED LOOKING REV BARMAN
BARSTEWARD:
(VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED)
Great an' it!
REV BARMAN:
Bloody'ell your gonna come unstuck one of these days with your 'clever' ideas to get new bums on seats
BARSTEWARD:
Aye! ……what's the worst that can happen?
CUT TO INSIDE THE PUB 5 MINUTES LATER
INT: INSIDE PUB
THE SCENE BEGINS WITH EVERYONE FIGHTING AND THE REV BARMAN IS KNELT UNDERNEATH A BAR TABLE, SIPPING HIS LAGER, WATCHING ALL THE EVENTS UNRAVEL AROUND HIM.
HE LOOK OVER TO BARSTEWARD WHO IS BADLY BEATEN UP ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS LIKE HE IS JUST COMING AROUND AND WAKING UP
BARSTEWARD STANDS UP AND AS THE CAMERA ROTATES AROUND HIM WE SEE THE MAYHEM OF DRUNKS RIPPING THE PLACE APART.
(THE FOLLOWING HAPPENS IN A QUICK, FLUID MOTION)
WE SEE A SMALL DOG THAT CAME IN SAT ON THE BAR WITH A PINT ON HIS HEAD, WHICH HE IS DRINKING FROM. SOMEONE GETS PUNCHED AND GOES FLYING INTO THE DOG, KNOCKING OVER THE SMALL CUTE DOGS PINT
CUT TO A CLOSE UP OF DOG, HIS EYES GLOW RED
CUT BACK OUT AND WE SEE THE DOG FLY AND ATTACK THE BIG FELLA IN AN OTT MANNER. THE MAN QUICKLY FALLS TO THE FLOOR, SPROUTING DRAMATIC BLOOD FROM HIS WOUNDS AND ANOTHER FIGHTER QUICKLY SEES THIS AND PULLS THE DOG OFF, THOUGH NOT TO HELP BUT TO USE THE DOG AS A WEAPON AND HOLDS IT OUT TO BITE ALL HIS VICTIMS
ONE OF THE MEN BEING CHASED BY THE DOG WEILDING BRUTE CLASPS HIS HANDS TOGETHER
CHASED MAN
Oh GOD please help me
SUDDENLY THERE IS A BRIGHT FLASH AND BEFORE THE MAN IS GOD, WHO TAKES A SHARP LOOK AT THE MANS FOOTBALL SHIRT
GOD:
MAN UNITED supporter!
GOD RIPS OPEN HIS ROBE TO REVEAL HIS RIVAL FOOTBALL SHIRT
GOD:
Your f**ked sunshine
GOD KICKS THE POOR SOD IN THE GOOLIES, CAUSING THE YOUNG FELLOW TO KEEL OVER
GOD:
PILE ON!
EVERYONE IN THE FIGHT PILES ON
A GROUP OF POLICE OFFICERS PILE INTO THE CROWD AND BEGIN ARRESTING PEOPLE
CUT TO
INT: COURTROOM
SKETCH STARTS WITH A ONE OF THE FIGHTERS WHO WAS JUST PULLED OUT OF THE PUB, HE IS A VERY LARGE, HAIRY TATTOOED MAN BEING WHO HAS TO BE DRAGGED INTO COURT AS HE MAKES A NASTY MENACE OF HIMSELF, TAUNTING HIS GUARDS AND SHRUGGING ALONG, HE EVEN SNEERS AT WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY HIS GRIEVING VICTIMS RELATIVES
THE COURT IS ASKED TO REMAIN SILENT AS THE JUDGE PASSES SENTENCE
CUE JUDGE KEV WHO IS A OLD SENILE LOOKING PENSIONER
JUDGE KEV:
For the heinous crimes committed by you, Mr Mark Hittal on July 12th 2006 of murder in the first degree of Miss Brown, Miss Siian, Mr and Mrs Kelly, Master Young, and the rape of Miss Sarah Closes, Sally Wright and Margaret Sales (pause) plus the near death of Mr Bob (pause again) the (said quietly and almost inaudibly) Gimp / I sentence you to……………………….
CUT TO THE ACCUSED SNARLING, LOOKING TOTALLY UNBOTHERED BY WHAT HE WILL BE SENT DOWN FOR
JUDGE KEV:
I sentence you to ……..BE GINGER
CUT TO THE ACCUSED
THE ACCUSED:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
THE GRIEVING RELATIVES JUMP UP WITH A ROAR OF DELIGHT AS IF THIS IS THE WORST SENTENCE HE COULD HAVE RECEIVED. THE COURT IS FULL OF APPLAUSE AS THE ACCUSED IS DRAGGED AWAY WAILING AND SCREAMING
CUT TO
INT. THE SEAGULL INN
BARSTEWARD JOINS THE REV BARMAN UNDER THE TABLE
BARSTEWARD:
Oh well back to the drawing board