Sitcom sample - King of the Road Page 2

I thought Tom began to emerge as a character in the second posting. As he grows in confidence and begins challenging his uncle more it should be possible to flesh him out, and to allude to his own life outside of driving lessons, on which Barry will doubtless give him advice.

If this is a full episode my concern is whether there is enough plot and whether it ends strongly enough. On the later point it might perhaps help to have a closing credits helicopter shot of Tom reversing - and reversing - and reversing....

Lack of plot is not necessarily a problem in a pilot, but are you not concerned that carbound set-up might be overly restrictive?

I think you're right about the restrictions of the car-bound format. Not entirely sure how best to get round that, although I reckon if I keep up the theme of each "lesson" actually revolving round an errand of Barry's I could get the pair of them out of the car a lot.

Here's how it ends...

INT. BARRY’S CAR - DAY

Barry and Tom drive on.

TOM
Mum told me you’d retired.

BARRY
I was considering it, yeah.

TOM
Why?

BARRY
Oh, well, I had a bit of an incident. A prang, shall we say.

TOM
You had an accident?

BARRY
It happens to the best of us, dunnit?

TOM
Was it serious?

BARRY
I would describe it as fifty percent non-fatal.

TOM
My God, you killed someone? On the road?

BARRY
I think technically it was more pavement, but yeah, adjacent to the road, definitely.

TOM
Shit.

BARRY
Yeah, I felt bloody awful, I mean you can imagine.

TOM
You killed a man.

BARRY
People don’t kill people, Tim, cars kill people. I was practically an innocent bystander. Should have got rid of the car, really. I mean, it had tasted blood. That’s why, well, this is pretty important to me, Tim. You know, I think that’s why your mum, my sister, she asked me to teach you to drive. It’s my shot at redemption, innit? You know, you and me, we’re family, I’ll teach you to drive and you, you’ll teach me to live again.

Tom is quite overcome by the emotion of the moment.

TOM
Wow, Uncle Barry, that’s really...

SFX: A digital watch’s alarm going off.

BARRY
Time’s up, stop the car.

Barry looks at his watch and switches the alarm off.

TOM
What?

BARRY
Stop the car, that’s your hour over.

TOM
Oh, right, ok.

Tom pulls the car over to the side of the road and parks. He gets out.

Barry scooches across from the passenger seat to the driver’s seat while Tom walks around the outside of the car.

He places the goldfish bowl on the passenger seat and puts the seatbelt around it.

Just as Tom reaches the passenger door, Barry reaches over and locks it. Tom looks puzzled. He knocks on the window. Barry leans over and winds the window halfway down.

BARRY
Yeah?

TOM
Let me in.

BARRY
Sorry mate, no can do.

TOM
Seriously Barry, let me in.

BARRY
I wish I could, Tim, I wish I could. It’s the rules, see. I cannot be seen to be fraternizing with my pupils out of office hours. The DVLA would be on me quick as a fat bird on a ham sandwich.

TOM
But, what you were just saying, we’re family.

BARRY
Shhh! That’ll be our little secret.

TOM
Barry, stop messing about.

BARRY
I’d love to stay and chat but I’m off duty, you understand.

Barry starts winds the window up.

TOM
Wait, what if I pay for another lesson?

Barry stops winding the window up.

BARRY
Go on?

TOM
Well, if I pay for another lesson, I could get back in the car, right, and we could drive back into town.

Barry sucks his teeth.

BARRY
Well, yeah, I suppose that could work, technically, yeah, why not? Have you got twenty five pounds?

TOM
What? No. But wait, I lent you twenty pounds just now, didn’t I?

BARRY
Yeah, yeah you did.

TOM
Well?

They stare at each other for an awkward moment.

TOM (cont’d)
So, maybe that could go towards a lesson?

BARRY
What? You’re asking to start up a slate? Tim, we might be family, but don’t take the piss, mate. It’s a bit insulting. I’m going to let it go this once for your mother’s sake. F**king hell, your generation, I don’t know.

Barry winds the window up again. Tom is stunned.

Barry starts the car and drives off. We see Tom, looking bewildered, receding in the rear window.

SFX: The orchestral main theme from Jaws, but very tinny.

Gifford puts a hands-free earpiece in. The music stops.

BARRY (cont’d)
Barry Gifford. Wotcher Cheryl. Yeah, he’s just on his way home now. I think he’s learned a lot, yeah. What, another one? You don’t ask for much, do you? No, no, you’re family. I’d have to check my schedule, though, hang on.

There is a pause as he just keeps driving.

BARRY (cont’d)
I’ve had a look, how’s next Tuesday sound? Yeah, I got a little errand to run that morning but I’m sure we can work around it. I’ll see him then.

He rings off.

BARRY (cont’d)
(singing)
Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies, farewell and adieu to you ladies of Spain...

EXT. DVLA TEST CENTRE CAR PARK - LATER

Barry’s car pulls in, and he gets out.
Van Cleef and Sophia are there, leaning against their respective cars.

VAN CLEEF
Well I’ll be danged, looks like he lost another one.

BARRY
I haven’t lost anything. It’s all part of the patented Gifford system, my holistic approach to tuition. He thinks he’s just walking home, like Ralph Macchio thought he was just painting a fence, then bang! He twats the arse-chinned bloke out of Cagney and Lacey right in the noodle with an unexpected bird-related manoeuvre. And that’s my philosophy, innit? Maybe you two ought to be writing this down.

VAN CLEEF
You’ve got some cojones, Gifford.

BARRY
I got balls like weather balloons, mate, don’t you worry about me.

INT. BARRY GIFFORD’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Close on a piece of paper on which Barry is writing the name "Van Cleef".
Pull back to reveal the paper is stuck to Barry’s wall. It is headed with the title "Barry’s List", and there are a lot of names on it, many of which have been crossed out.

Next to it is another list headed "Christmas cards". There are only two names on it.

Barry, back in his shirt/underpants combo, walks to the record player. The goldfish bowl containing Chief Brody now sits next to it. He pulls the switch that starts the turntable spinning, and goes to sit down.

Barry sits in his armchair, scratching his balls and staring at the cut-in-half photo of himself.

The record player starts playing the half-a-Phil-Collins record:

RECORD PLAYER
Oh if she called me I’d be there, I’d come running shkkkkkkkkkkkkk (the sound of the needle on the bare turntable) KLIK all my life I feel so good if I just say the shkkkkkkkkkkkkk KLIK Oh sussudio, su, su, shkkkkkkkkkkkkk KLIK

END.

Excuse my earlier post about it ending abruptly! ( I did think it seemed short, even for ITV). This works very well as a complete episode. And as you say, so long as you can tie the lessons into Barry's (and Tom's) life outside of lessons, there should be scope.

You do realise whoever you sell this to will want to cast Rasmus Hardaker as Tom?

Very good. Get it sent out now my friend.

I like this a lot, but I agree about the swears not being necessary.

Very good ending, especially the two lists.

Thanks everyone who took the time to read this. I really appreciate it.

I think it's time for a f**k-cull, and maybe a call to Rasmus Hardiker...

This is quite brilliant. The best sitcom I've read on here by a country mile. You've set a very high standard, James. Dump a couple of f**ks and you're onto a winnner.

Only had time to read the first sample posted, but I really liked this too.

My only tiny criticism would be the dialogue about Barry's wife/aunt Portia - just seemed a little forced to explain that he was separated - not hugely - but could have maybe been done in a different way?

I think this is the first sitcom post I've read the entire way through (not that I thought others were bad, I'm just lazy like that), but this had me smiling all the way through (and indeed laughing out loud in a few places, which doesn't happen all too often).

Like somebody (forget who it was) posted on the previous page, I can really see Barry as a Saxondale type character. He's fantastic.

And this bit...:

TOM
Was it serious?

BARRY
I would describe it as fifty percent non-fatal.

...made me laugh a hell of a lot. I hope you can stretch more episodes out of this because it's looking fantastically promising.

This is the first sitcom I've read on here that I could genuinely see on the telly.

Thanks for raising the bar, you jammy git!

Thanks again, y'all. I'm going to give this a bit of a polish (and a de-f**k) and then try and pitch this to telly people.

Do any of you have suggestions as to casting, particularly Barry? Steve Coogan has been suggested, but Barry is too close to Saxondale I reckon. In my head, he's a mix of Ronnie Barker in Porridge and Simon Day in anything in which Simon Day speaks...

Any ideas?

Quote: James Harris @ July 8 2008, 9:34 AM BST

Thanks again, y'all. I'm going to give this a bit of a polish (and a de-f**k) and then try and pitch this to telly people.

Do any of you have suggestions as to casting, particularly Barry? Steve Coogan has been suggested, but Barry is too close to Saxondale I reckon. In my head, he's a mix of Ronnie Barker in Porridge and Simon Day in anything in which Simon Day speaks...

Any ideas?

View original

Not exactly, but for some reason, when I read it, I could hear Barry speaking with a Scottish accent. Although that doesn't really make sense if he's Tom's uncle.

Just read it again, by the way, and done a LOL in work at the Van Cleef scene.

Very nice James. What about the portly bloke in the post office ads? Can't remember his name.

Quote: James Harris @ July 8 2008, 9:34 AM BST

Thanks again, y'all. I'm going to give this a bit of a polish (and a de-f**k) and then try and pitch this to telly people.

Do any of you have suggestions as to casting, particularly Barry? Steve Coogan has been suggested, but Barry is too close to Saxondale I reckon. In my head, he's a mix of Ronnie Barker in Porridge and Simon Day in anything in which Simon Day speaks...

Any ideas?

View original

Rob Brydon? I can see the welsh accent working with this too.

Quote: Marc P @ July 8 2008, 9:59 AM BST

Very nice James. What about the portly bloke in the post office ads? Can't remember his name.

View original

John Henshaw. He'd be great.