I've bumped this up a bit (sorry!) but its heading for the bottom of the thread page! Would really like some comments, at least to know if its vaguely funny, as my current dilemma is whether to just stick to straight scripts or continue with SitCom. I quite like doing both as much ... Mike
Hi all.
The following might be of some interest. Its just 3 scenes that came out of a collaborative effort back in 1998 where all those involved corresponded via email. It’s a very small part of the total that was written (most of which was even more bizarre!) but unfortunately the Team Leader died and things rather fell apart after that. It never got an airing so any comments would be welcome, even 9 years later!!! Sorry about the formatting ... it was all on r.h. side of pages but that got lost in the cutting and pasting.
Mike.
3.1 FAIRFAX LIVING ROOM. EARLY EVENING.
JEMIMA FAIRFAX IS MUTTERING TO HERSELF AND READING FROM HER FENG SHUI BOOK. SHE WALKS AROUND THE ROOM, EXAMINING IT FROM DIFFERENT ANGLES.
CHARLES FAIRFAX IS SITTING IN AN ARMCHAIR READING HIS NEWLY ACQUIRED BOOK ‘MAKE A MILLION IN YOUR SPARE TIME’ BY ROBERT MAXWELL.
KATE (COMPUTER NERD DAUGHTER) IS SPRAWLED ON THE FLOOR SURROUNDED BY TWO OR THREE PROPPED-OPEN COMPUTER MANUALS AND TINKERING WITH HER NEW PALMTOP PC.
ALI & LIENA (2’6” ALIENS ADOPTED BY KATE) ARE SITTING ON THE SETTEE PLAYING CLUEDO ON THE COFFEE TABLE. SOMETIMES THERE ARE BURSTS OF ACTIVITY FROM THEM. OTHER TIMES THEY SIT QUIET LOOKING PUZZLED BUT WHEN THERE IS ANY FLICKER OF ‘EMOTIONAL’ INTERACTION FROM THE OTHER CHARACTERS THEY GO INTO ATTENTIVE ‘EMOTION-LEECHING’ MODE.
LATER APPEARANCE: ALICE, A RAMBLING BAG LADY ADOPTED BY JEMIMA.
CHARLES: Something wrong Mimi?
JEMIMA: (CONTINUES MUTTERING, THEN HALF IN REPLY) Energy ... energy ... ... that’s it ... levels too low ... need to increase ...
CHARLES: What do you suggest, that we turn up the central heating?
JEMIMA: No, silly ... I mean the spiritual energy, you know, I told you about Feng Shui before ... you’re just pretending you don’t remem - (ALIEN VOICES CUT IN)
ALI: Professor Plum in the Bathroom with the Mop!
LIENA: What mop? ... and where’s the bathroom?
KATE: (ABSENT MINDEDLY) Upstairs, first on the right. And the mop’s in the cupboard.
AFTER A SHORT PAUSE BOTH ALIENS RUSH TO THE DOOR, COLLIDE, AND ARE HEARD RUNNING UP STAIRS. THEY REAPPEAR ABOUT A MINUTE LATER (WITH THE MOP) AND CONTINUE PLAYING. MEANWHILE ...
CHARLES: Oh yes, I remember. All sounded like a Chinese take-away to me. I’ll have a twenty two ...
AS CHARLES REELS OFF THE NUMBERS, KATE SIMULTANEOUSLY BUT ABSENT-MINDEDLY ‘DECODES’ THEM FROM THE FLOOR, WITHOUT LOOKING UP, WHILE CHARLES’ EXPRESSIONS SHOW HIS INCREASING IRRITATION ...
KATE: ... Prawn Balls ...
CHARLES: ... thirty seven ...
KATE: ... Egg Fried Rice ...
CHARLES: ... nineteen ...
KATE: ... Duck and Pineapple ...
CHARLES: ... and a hundred and twenty eight ...
KATE: ... Lychees in Syrup...
CHARLES: ... to (SHOUTS) finish off!
JEMIMA: Hmmm. Didn’t expect you to take it seriously. Surprising since the Chinese often use Feng Shui to improve their prosperity, that being one of the few, or perhaps only, subject that seems to turn you on.
CHARLES: Well if you’re talking money I have a yen for that (CHUCKLES AT OWN JOKE). Somebody’s got to keep their feet on the ground and the wheels turning ...
KATE: (ABSENT MINDEDLY, WITHOUT LOOKING UP) Yen is Japanese ... the Chinese use Yuan ... you get about six to the pound.
CHARLES: Yen, Yuan ... what’s the difference?
JEMIMA: To you Charles, hardly any. There’s no point in talking about it if you can’t be bothered to try to understand (PAUSES). I think I shall go and sit in my quiet place for a while (STARTS TO GATHER UP PAPERS, ETC.)
LIENA: (TO ALI) What do people do in Ballrooms?
ALI: Don’t know. Play football maybe.
LIENA: (MISS-HEARS) What’s fruitball?
ALI: Football. I think its a game, where man-humans try to catch a small round leathery creature with two big nets.
LIENA: Sounds exciting (EMOTION GLIMMER). Can we see it?
JEMIMA: (OVERHEARS) I expect Charles will take you, if he can be dragged away from his book. (SHE PACES SLOWLY UP AND DOWN THE ROOM, ARMS BENT AT THE ELBOWS AND EXTENDED FORWARD IN UNNATURAL POSTURES. SHE SEEMS TO BE DOING SOME TYPE OF ORIENTAL DANCE).
CHARLES: Yes, I suppose we can go on Saturday if you want. (JEMIMA WAFTS PAST) Mimi, what are you doing now?
JEMIMA: (STOPS DANCING) You wouldn’t see the point even if I told you. As is the case with most men, spiritual energy has no meaning whatsoever. One day you’ll realise that life isn’t only about putting things into a calculator. (ALOOFLY) I shall go now. All of you ... kindly leave this room as you found it, if you can remember how that was. (DRAMATICALLY WAFTS OUT).
CHARLES: Hmmmmm. (LOOKS SHEEPISH, RE-CROSSES LEGS AND RETURNS TO BOOK)
KATE: (STILL ABSENT MINDEDLY) Mummy’s right you know.
CHARLES: (NOT LOOKING UP) What?
KATE: I said Mummy’s right (LOOKS UP). Life isn’t all balance sheets and company accounts. From what I’ve read of Feng Shui and other oriental philosophies ...
CHARLES: (INTERRUPTS) Don’t tell me you’re into it too, although I’m not surprised (LOOKS POINTEDLY TOWARDS ALIENS) seeing how we now seem to be running a hostel for homeless space travellers who are a bit lacking in their navigation department. Now your mother’s head is full of this Chinky nonsense. Before that we’ve had yoga, aroma therapy ... what a stink that was ... then there was the time of the tea ceremonies, the saving of the rain forests, the shrine to Vritslanda Bhuddia on the patio ...
KATE: Oh, come on Dad, it wasn’t that bad. And my aliens are no trouble. You need to keep a sense of perspective in these things ...
CHARLES: (HOTLY) Perspective! Perspective! And what do you mean your aliens? The way I see it I’m the one providing a roof over their heads. And what use are they, tell me? They just sit about playing Cluedo making up the rules as they go along ...
LIENA: (LOOKS UP) Cluedo is a simple third order framed matrix puzzle. It’s no fun the way your earth rules are written ...
CHARLES: (TO KATE) See what I mean. They talk a lot of nonsense too. I’ve got something lined up that might result in them being a bit more productive ...
KATE: Oh no! Not another one of your ghastly money-making schemes. I don’t believe it. They’re only here because I invited them, so they’re mine. You just want to exploit them. It’s true what Mummy says, you’re only interested in what you can get out of people.
CHARLES: (PARTLY TO HIMSELF) Rubbish!
THE DOOR BELL RINGS. KATE GOES TO ANSWER IT AND ALICE BUSTLES IN AND BEGINS A RAMBLING MONOLOGUE
ALICE: It was really impressive ... you must go to see ... (TO HERSELF) what have I done with it? (SEARCHES THROUGH THE CAVERNOUS POCKETS OF HER RAINCOAT). Ah! ... (RETRIEVES BUS TICKET) here it is ... no that’s not it ... (MORE SEARCHING) got it! ... look! (HOLDS OUT PAMPHLET TO KATE). Its a show at the gallery, French Impressionism ... oh! the colours and textures! Where’s Jemima? (TO CHARLES) What’s that you’re reading, not another one of those nasty money books? (TO ALIENS) Hello you two, what are you doing? Oh I see ... Cluedo. Strange game. Must be a big house with all those rooms. My room at the Sally is quite small. Ever tried card games? I used to play a lot, down at the social, before the secretary said the other players didn’t ... no ... it was all so embarrassing ... but then the doctor did warn me ... I’ve been again you know ... I keep getting my pills in a muddle ... is it three blue ones twice a day or two blue ones three times a day? ... very confusing ... I had them all laid out on the dresser but the cat ate most of them ... it had to go to the vet to be exfoliated, or something like that ... its so difficult sometimes, what with my leg as well ... (BREAKS OFF). Oh Kate you’ve got your new computer. Isn’t it tiny! Amazing what they ...
HEARING THE COMMOTION JEMIMA RE-ENTERS
JEMIMA: (NOT UNKINDLY) For heaven’s sake calm down Alice, its like a madhouse in here. What’s that you’ve just given Kate?
ALICE: Oh, yes, it was for you really ... French Impressionism ... at the gallery ... finishes Saturday ... you’d hate to miss it.
JEMIMA: Miss what? ... (KATE PASSES PAMPHLET) oh, I see, that does look interesting. Ends on Saturday you say. I could catch it tomorrow afternoon. Do you want to come Charles?
CHARLES: French Impressionism? No way! Doesn’t switch me on at all. Any fool can make daubs like that. Waste of paint I say.
JEMIMA: You really are a Philistine Charles. Some Impressionist paintings sell for millions today and I would think at least that would spark some interest.
CHARLES: And a fat lot of good it did most of them while they were alive. Completely bonkers if you ask me. If I painted something like that I would want to see the benefit now, not after I was pushing up the daisies!
JEMIMA: But they did it for the sake of their art, not to make money. If, say, van Gogh, were alive today he wouldn’t be thinking in terms of return on investment but of form and line and colour.
CHARLES: (SHOWING MILD INTEREST NOW). Wasn’t he the lunatic who chopped his ear off?
KATE: Lobe, actually. (LOOKS UP AT JEMIMA) Mummy, don’t encourage him, he’s starting to see pound signs.
JEMIMA: (MUSES) An interesting thought. If van Gogh were alive now ... think of the art he would be able to produce ... and the appreciation it would receive. The world owes him that appreciation. He never got it in his lifetime.
ALI: (TO LIENA, BUT OVERHEARD BY THE OTHERS) I think they’re talking about phase shift re-generation of quasi-beings using ultra-saturated gel particles. Pretty old bonnet technology but they haven’t invented it yet. What have you done with the dagger? (SEARCHES AROUND FOR MISSING CLUEDO PIECE).
LIENA: You’re sitting on it. And I think the term is ‘old hat’!
JEMIMA: (TO ALIENS) Are you saying that ... where you come from ... its possible to re-generate people who are no longer with us?
CHARLES IS NOW GETTING VERY INTERESTED AS HE SPOTS A WAY TO MAKE LOTS OF QUICK MONEY. JEMIMA’S INTEREST IS SOMEWHAT MORE SPIRITUAL.
ALI: Well, yes, something along those lines. The subject must already be dead of course otherwise there’s a danger of hypoid mass collisions. They can be very messy.
ALICE: (BUTTS IN) I had those! I had those! Its what the red pills were for.
JEMIMA: Quiet Alice! (TO ALIENS) So you could actually bring back van Gogh, so he could produce some more of his beautiful art.
CHARLES: (RUBBING HIS HANDS) Never mind the art, think of the sales potential.
KATE: (ANGRILY) Daddy, No! It isn’t for your benefit.
ALI: (CANNILY, REPLYING TO JEMIMA) Yes, it can be done. The, what-do-you-call-it?, hmm, physics?, is simple. We re-generated a dryorg once and that worked OK. It takes a lot out of us though. We need to get our strength up first, and replenish it afterwards.
JEMIMA: (WISTFULLY) It would be so nice to have a Vincent back again. Such a deep man. Such culture. Such an opportunity to have him here once more. A light in our troubled world.
ALICE: (BUT IGNORED BY EVERYONE ELSE) My cat’s called Vincent, fancy that.
CHARLES: I vote we get those two cracking straight away. I’ll be his agent. That’ll ensure at least the financial aspects are handled properly.
KATE: No! No! No! Not with my aliens. (TO ALIENS AND ALICE) Come on all of you, we’ll go upstairs.
KATE LEAVES ROOM, ALIENS AND ALICE FOLLOW, CLUEDO BOARD GOES FLYING. CHARLES AND JEMIMA SURVEY THE DEBRIS.
JEMIMA: You really are awful, Charles. You know your attitude annoys Kate. You can’t be surprised at her feeling protective. With you its all money, money, money. You should learn to take people as they are and then let it be. (STARTS TO COLLECT UP CLUEDO PIECES AND REPLACE THEM IN THE BOX).
CHARLES IS DEEP IN THOUGHT, PLANNING HOW HE CAN CAPITALISE ON THE SKILL OF THE ALIENS TO RE-CREATE A VINCENT. HE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ANY MORE ABOUT IT NOW. HE WANTS TO WAIT UNTIL HIS PLAN IS COMPLETE.
CHARLES: Yes, my dear. Of course, you are right. I’ll put things straight with Kate later. (TO HIMSELF) Now, let’s see. Where did I put my book?
SCENE ENDS
3.2 FAIRFAX HOUSE, KATE'S ROOM. LATE AT NIGHT.
KATE HAS TWO ROOMS, HER COMPUTER/WORK ROOM ACCESSED FROM LANDING WITH HER BEDROOM ADJOINING WITH DOOR AJAR. THE ALIENS ARE ASLEEP, UPRIGHT, IN A LARGE CUPBOARD IN THE WORKROOM FROM WHICH A DULL RED GLOW CAN BE SEEN THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOORS. KATE IS ASLEEP IN HER BEDROOM.
CHARLES TIPTOES INTO THE WORKROOM WEARING A NIGHTSHIRT DECORATED WITH LARGE BLUE POUND SIGNS. CROSSING TO KATE’S BEDROOM DOOR HE CONFIRMS SHE’S ASLEEP BEFORE APPROACHING THE ALIEN’S CUPBOARD. AS HE GINGERLY OPENS THE DOORS THE RED GLOW IS EXTINGUISHED AND THE ALIENS CAN BE SEEN IN THEIR HUMANOID STATE, ASLEEP ON THEIR FEET. CHARLES NUDGES THEM AWAKE AND THEY JUMP FROM THE CUPBOARD IN A MILD STATE OF SHOCK. THEY ARE ABOUT TO CRY OUT BUT CHARLES STOPS THEM ...
CHARLES: (IN LOUD WHISPER) Shhhhhh! Its only me ... Charles. I wanted a word with you both. Over there. Don’t wake Kate.
CHARLES LEADS ALI AND LIENA OVER TO SOME CHAIRS AROUND KATE’S COMPUTER TABLE. HE WAITS UNTIL HE AND THEY ARE SEATED.
CHARLES: I wanted to talk more about what was being said earlier downstairs. Can you really do it. Bring back a Vincent van Gogh?
ALI: Yes, we can do that. Easy really. But its very draining. If we don’t have enough emo-energy then things can go wrong, bit like last time, you remember the first ‘gadget’?
CHARLES: Yes, very well! We can’t have that sort of thing happening again. How can we prevent it.
LIENA: We must get our emo-charge up. And, of course, replenish it afterwards.
CHARLES: I don’t understand this ‘emo’ notion. What do you mean? There must be something that can be done.
ALI: Where we come from some of us depend upon emotion input to live. It becomes almost ... what would you call it? ... addictive ...
LIENA: We think its caused by some kind of virus but the others didn’t believe it. Lots of us became outcasts ...
ALI: One day we hope to find a cure but for now we must receive emo-charges or we die. The people of your planet, when they get excitable, you know, angry, sad, that sort of thing, provide us with a rich source. We need that source to give us energy.
CHARLES: Well, that doesn’t seem too difficult to arrange. I could fix it so that you get exposure to human emotions and in return you make ‘gadgets’ for me. Better be sure they work properly though, we don’t want another nasty accident. Do you agree? Do we have a deal?
ALI LOOKS THOUGHTFULLY AT LIENA.
LIENA: It would make things much easier for us if Charles could arrange things.
ALI: Yes. But I wonder if Kate would agree to it although Jemima certainly seems interested in this van Gogh idea.
CHARLES: Never mind those two. This will just be a deal between the three of us. You two get what you want and I get what I want. Simple.
ALI: Oh, alright then. We’ll give it a try.
CHARLES: (LOOKS AT ALI AND LIENA POINTEDLY) So its agreed then eh?
ALI AND LIENA: (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Yes. Agreed!
ALI AND LIENA RETURN TO THE CUPBOARD. AS THEY CLOSE THE DOORS BEHIND THEMSELVES THE DULL RED GLOW RE-APPEARS. CHARLES, LOOKING VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, QUIETLY OPENS THE WORKROOM DOOR AND EXITS, CLOSING IT BEHIND HIM. PAN TO KATE’S BEDROOM DOOR. ARISING SHE HAS CAUGHT THE TAIL OF THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN CHARLES AND THE ALIENS. HER EXPRESSION IS ONE OF RESIGNED FRUSTRATION.
SCENE ENDS
3.3 FAIRFAX LIVING ROOM. NEXT DAY. MORNING
JEMIMA IS SITTING AT HER DESK WRITING. SHE HEARS THE FRONT DOOR SLAM, LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES THAT CHARLES HAS LEFT THE HOUSE. SHE GOES TO THE HALL AND CALLS TO ALI AND LIENA. THEY SUDDENLY APPEAR, LOOKING BLEARY EYED.
JEMIMA: Oh, there you are. How are you feeling?
ALI: Feeling? We are not feeling anything. See ... our hands are by our sides ... there is no contact ...
JEMIMA: No, no, I didn’t mean that. How do you feel inside? Sad? Happy? Your feelings are your emotions ... your inner being. Do you understand?
ALI: Oh. We thought you meant touching. We can’t touch our insides. Can you?
JEMIMA: No, not literally. But I try to understand my inner feelings, to get in touch ...
ALI AND LIENA LOOK PUZZLED.
ALI: This all sounds very confusing.
LIENA: We don’t understand. Sorry.
JEMIMA: Oh dear. I think you need some help. I shall arrange for you to talk to someone. We could try to contact your parents.
ALI: Our parents? What are they?
JEMIMA: Your mother and father?
LIENA: Mother?
ALI: Father?
JEMIMA: You know ... the man and woman who brought you up.
LIENA: Up ... where? Or do you mean sick? Ugh!
JEMIMA: No, no. Here ... hmm ... when two people meet ... fall in love ... get married ... later they ... by ... hmm ... a certain action … or process … they have children.
ALI: How strange. We thought when people met they just said ‘hallo’ and sometimes shook hands. What is ‘love’? What is ‘married’? We have not seen that.
JEMIMA: But your parents ...
ALI: Mother, father!
JEMIMA: Yes ... you’re getting the idea. Their’s was a special kind of ‘hallo’ which, in time, gave rise to you.
LIENA: We don’t remember that. We just are Ali and Liena. We don’t know of our mother and father.
JEMIMA: Oh, my poor sweet ones. If you don’t know them you must be orphans. How sad. But your parents will be somewhere. I wonder if they are still alive. (MUSES) now ... how old would they be? (TO ALI AND LIENA) How old are you two?
ALI: I’m nine varx and Liena is eight. But of course we should use zol time ... so that’s (DOES SOME MENTAL ARITHMETIC) a hundred and eighty zolits for me and ... hmm ... a hundred and sixty zolits for Liena.
JEMIMA: Zolits?
ALI: Ah, yes. Well, a zolit is roughly 72 of your earth years so ... (MORE MENTAL ARITHMETIC) ... rounding down ... that puts me at twelve thousand nine hundred and sixty and Liena at eleven thousand five hundred and twenty. I’m a bit older than her you see.
LIENA: But not necessarily brighter!
JEMIMA: Goodness me! No wonder you can’t remember your parents! But I shall find them for you. I shall arrange a seance. That way we will be able to contact them. I think we must presume that they are indeed dead?
LIENA: (TO ALI) They would’ve gone to the ‘grater on their 20,000th anniversary wouldn’t they? (ALI NODS) (TO JEMIMA) Yes I think we can safely say that.
JEMIMA: Ah ... gone to their Creator. How peaceful!
ALI: Disintegrator actually. After two hundred and seventy seven point ... hmm ... seven ... hmm ... recurring zolits, they would’ve started to whiff a bit. It’s the best way.
JEMIMA: (SOMEWHAT SQUEEMISHLY) Ugh! But if they are gone we can try to contact them. Let’s see ...
JEMIMA LIFTS ‘PHONE, DIALS AND WAITS FOR IT TO ANSWER.
JEMIMA: Hello ... Atlanta. I need to hold a seance. I have two friends ... orphans ... innocents ... children ... pure ... wholesome ... unspoilt ...
ALI: (ASIDE TO LIENA) She thinks we are children, now. This is all very strange.
LIENA: Mmmm.
JEMIMA: (INTO ‘PHONE) Yes, Atlanta, I know you’re very busy. I ... that is ... they ... want to contact their parents ... what’s that you say? ... how long ago did they die? ... hmm ... well this will sound a little unusual ... it must’ve been about ten (SOFTLY) thousand (NORMAL VOLUME) years ago ... what ... yes ... I did say ten thousand ... hallo! hallo! are you still there Atlanta? (TO ALI AND LIENA) Oh dear, that’s odd, the line's gone dead. I'll just have to try Myrtle ... hmm ... now where’s my copy of the White Witch Yearbook?
SCENE ENDS
