F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Otterfox
1 - Gappy, Me
Next topic: Cheer Up
Leg closed: 15.5.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 3 - Otterfox, Me
2 - 1 - Gappy
DEAD QUIET
PUB.
TOM and DICK.
TOM 'Ere Dick, you know what I do when I'm depressed?
DICK Nothing. You're too depressed.
TOM Shut up.
DICK Yes, Tom. Sorry, Tom.
TOM When I'm depressed, I listen to Joy Division.
DICK (laughs) Why?
TOM Well, apparently, Ian C**tis was a tad down himself...
DICK He certainly got hung up on something...
TOM But I think, if he can survive it, so can I.
PAUSE.
DICK Tom, there is one small but rather significant detail you should...
TOM Or Kunt Cobain. Same arse, you see. If he was depressed, but managed to...
DICK Tom, Kurt Cobain shot...
TOM To fame, yes.
DICK Himself.
TOM Shot to fame himself, yes...
DICK Have you finished?
TOM No, there's always good old Sid Vicious, best bass player in the world. That man was born...
DICK And then he...
TOM To play bass. (sings badly) 'And now, the end is neeeaaarr, and so I faaaccceee the final c**taaaiinn.'
DICK Tom, all the singers who cheer you up are dead.
TOM Dead awesome, yeah.
DICK No, Tom, dead. They are so dead. They're deader than Monty Python's proverbial parrot. They're so dead they make Leonard Cohen look like Lady Gaga.
TOM (nods) That explains it. I thought it was weird, not doing anything for years except compilations.
DICK And to add incest to injury, they died by their own hand.
TOM Yuk.
DICK Indeed, yuk. Which kinda shots your argument in the butt, dunnit?
TOM Yes, Dick. Sorry, Dick.
DICK Now when I'm depressed, I don't listen to music. I read.
TOM Who?
DICK Sylvia Plath.
Samuel:
I love having guests on this show, especially if they're teachers, nurturers and like to help the useless. But especially if they're friends of mine. So next up, he's a great friend of mine, a nurturing man who helps the crap of society, its Clark Snozzle. Tell us what you brought in for us today Clark.
Clark:
Thank you Samuel. Several months ago when I was on the way back from a nurturing, I spotted a young man on the street. I took great pity on him as his clothes were threadbare and he was talking gibberish. He looked at a low ebb and I felt it was my duty to cheer him up and help him.
Samuel:
Useless to talk, useless to dress, even his ebb
is useless - gotcha.
Clark:
I let him move in with me and I've been teaching him English ever since. I never managed to find out his name so I christened him Creggy Foffero.
Samuel:
Even useless at having a name. This chap is extraordinary. You've really hit the jackpot with this useless sod Clarky.
Clark:
Yes, he really was in a bad place but I'm delighted to say that in only a few months his English has come on leaps and bounds. Would you like to see what he can do?
Samuel:
Sure, but if I'm honest, I hope he's crap.
Clark:
Come on Creggy... 'thank.'
Creggy:
th-ha-nke
Clark:
Thank
Creggy:
Thanke
Clark:
You
Creggy:
Yooooooooou
Clark:
You.....just read it.
Creggy:
Yooou
Clark:
For.....for.
Creggy:
Forfor.
Clark
For, just once.
Creggy:
Fortune teller
Clark:
For
Creggy:
Four
Clark:
Having
Creggy:
Sifftroog..ool...p.
Clark:
What on earth? Having....hav-ing.
Creggy:
Haveen
Clark:
Having. We practiced this - having.
Creggy:
Havening
Clark:
Me
Creggy:
Mepaluco
Clark:
Me
Creggy:
Mepaluco-me
Clark:
Me!
Creggy:
Mepaloon
Clark:
MEEEE!!
Creggy:
(Meekly) meloopadoor.
Creggy:
Get all right?
Clark:
No, all wrong.
Samuel:
You were useless Creggy.
Next up sport....
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it
And you really want to show it
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're unhappy and you know it, you could sneer
You could scowl, or moan, or shout, or shed a tear
If you're feeling quite unhappy
Cos your life is rather crappy
It will probably not help your being here
If you're happy and you don't know it...that's quite weird
I guess things are better than they first appeared
It's the best time of your life
You should make that girl your wife
You will probably realise in twenty years
If you're unhappy and you don't know it, you're not well
There's a major problem with your mental health
If you're drinking far too much
Use narcotics as a crutch
You should take a good, long, hard look at yourself
But if happy isn't something you can gauge
As you like things flat, and drab, and safe, and beige
If you hate la vida loca
And prefer things mediocre
Then cheer out and welcome Coldplay to the stage
Gappy this wank.
It's Gappy for me too. A fun read and I do like myself a good rhyme.
That's said, Michael's 'shot....to fame....himself' exchange was great.
Michael for me - and, yes, it was the the "shot...to fame" gag that swung it.
Thanks. It was inspired by a conversation I overheard where someone said she was listening to the Bell Jar and found it uplifting cos the writer survived. Ouch.
Results cumming...