Hello folks. You all know how much we- l love a good charity, especially at this time of year. We all like to do our bit to help those less fortunate here (upbeat) on the Night Gordon with me Samuel Gordon. I'm delighted to say that 40% of all proceeds from today's show will go to the Billy Lassiter Home for Disappointed Owls.
It's 100% sir.
100% of what Blennermore?
100% of proceeds from the show and t-the song you wrote.
My song, my Christmas song that I worked long and hard at - all gone for nothing!
It is for a good cause. These birds are very disappointed.
We all get disappointed! I'm disappointed every day of the week working with the people around me. Present company included of course. You still don't see me contacting Billy Lassiter to go live in his sanctuary and asking for songs to be written about me. Birds can sing. Why don't they write their own songs?
Speak up Blennermore, you'd have to be a mouse to hear that.
The owls are glum, they're depressed. It's hard to write an upbeat song of hope when you're down. Plus they're birds - they can't write.
Depressed owls? Is that what I'm reduced to?...All I ask is for my dignity somehow. Where's the gala luncheons and film premieres? Look folks, of course I want to help animals. I love animals, I really do and I'd hate to see them damaged. It's just that they're so useless.
Most of our money comes from ads. Shouldn't we be queueing the ad?
Shhh Blennermore. That reminds me, it's time for an ad folks and this weeks show is sponsored by badgers scarves...
Now that winter is upon us, have you checked your neck for warmth? Protect yourself from neck flu, neck chill and trench neck with badgers scarves. Handmade by our team of badgers, we pick only the finest quality material from all over the place. Their unique three ply overlay system will be sure to keep your neck snug this winter. The badger is not called the seamstress of the animal kingdom for nothing. Ha, ha, ha!
Protect your neck from cold with warmth. Badgers scarves - those badgers are brilliant!
Samuel: (miles away)
T-thanks to badger s-scarves. Those...badger scarves handmake all those wonderful...winters....No, NO! 100%? I'm fuming. I've gotten worse since before the ad folks. We put in all the hard yards and then the owls sit back and reap the benefits. Get Dan Spaniel out to Lassiters place. I want an in-depth report as to what the hell is going on.
I'm here at the Billy Lassiter Home for disappointed owls. And it's here that Lassiter himself houses owls of a disappointed nature. As we are funding a charity drive for this very Billy Lassiter...home for....disappointed owls. We need to get up close and personal to make sure that our money is not going to waste. Ah here's the man himself here...
Billy.....Lassiter Home for Disappointed Owls. What makes a disappointed owl? How do we know they're not just looking down?
We use several indicators to check the mood of owls. The shrieks, the peaks, the birds, the beaks, they're all indicators. The flight, the height, the dark, the night, are they smooth operators?
That's a lovely poem. Now, about the owls. How would you go about depressing one of these owl fellows?
We don't want to depress them, we want to rehabilitate them. Allow them to flourish before releasing them back into the wild.
Release them? Why are you holding them captive? I thought you were supposed to be helping them.
Take this Balsas Screech Owl for instance. We found him under a hedge measuring saw dust and chasing after mice that weren't even there.
And you noticed this, took him in and wanted to see what other crazy stuff he'd get up to. I can see why, it sounds like a right laugh, but how does that help the owl. Where is our money actually going here?
We need to house, feed, nurture and rehabilitate
The birds. I can't do it all myself.
Why do it at all then? I mean you can't very well put your name to something and then constantly look for loads of other people to help. if that were the case you'd have to call it the Billy Lassiter, Samuel Gordon, Sir Frederick Brongaloon and the staff at The Night Gordon and friends Home for Owls that act weird, are then captured and held in captivity against their will and released back into the wild at the drop of a hat.
Good day to you Mr. Spaniel.
I feel we're onto something here folks. Lassiter didn't like my line of questioning but I'm not giving up just yet. Here's some owls (whispers) I'm going to sneak in around the back. What's this, a great horned owl and some other lad. Oh they are big boys. And look at this, flying around in their element. No disappointed owl would have such a laissez-faire attitude....now look, the minute they see me, they act all sad. No, no, you're not pulling the wool over my eyes buddies. I'm going to blow this operation wide open. Get up! Get up let ye! Act normal and stop pretending. You're not fooling roving reporter Dan Spaniel. GET UP!
That lad is-is looking at me. Finally a bit of eye contact, yes, now flight...now being attacked...now loads of them. Oh Jesus, this may have been a mistake! For the Night Gordon, I'm Dan Span- OW! Abort! Abort! Abort the charity! Give em nothing. Give em nothinggg!! Ow.. ow...OWLLLSSSSS!!!
Samuel (in studio):
Happy Christmas Dan........now, Christmas wines, what makes a good one...