Sergeant Sportier 30.11 - 7.12.23

F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 3
Me - 2

Next topic: Charity
Leg closed: 7.12.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 7 Otterfox
2 6 Crindy
3 3 Teddy
4 2 Me

Phoney

Bloke (on phone) Yeah, I know, but can't it wait till tomorrow? It's the end of my shift and I'm meeting my mate for a pint later. How about tomorrow morning?

He puts down the phone and leaves through a door marked Samaritans.

[DEADPAN, OVER AN ELECTRONIC BEAT IN A KRAFTWERK STYLE]

Charity shop, charity shop
I'm going to hop on over to the charity shop

Let's delve into storage bins, let's take a look,
A VHS tape of Robin Williams in Hook
A Pez dispenser shaped like Alistair Cooke
A pornogaphic Manga filed beside the kids' books
It's a charity shop

A vast selection of manhandled LPs
James Last, Mrs Mills, musical cheese,
The Pan Pipe Troubadors Salute The Bee Gees
A surprisingly large number of Lost Prophets CDs
It's a charity shop

The flowing cornucopia never ceases
A 100-piece jigsaw that has 96 pieces
A book about Follyfoot might interest your nieces
A paddling pool with the aroma of faeces
It's a charity shop

A framed poster reading "Carry on, or be calm"
Top Trumps about the cast of Emmerdale Farm
Some vintage badges that are pro Vietnam
Hang on, is this somebody's prosthetic arm?
It's a charity shop

A woman is sitting alone at a table under a parasol of a packed hotel poolside.
A couple come over. The man indicates the three empty chairs,

WALT
Do you mind if we sit here?

KATE
No that's fine,

WALT
Thanks, you're a real sport I'm Walt and this is my wife, Matilda.

KATE
My names Kate, well if the accent doesn't give the game away the Walt and Matilda part seals the deal.

WALT
What do you mean?

KATE
That you're Australian.

MATILDA
Actually, we're from New Zealand

WALT
(irked)
That's over 2500 miles away before you say, 'Same difference'.

KATE
I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend...

MATILDA
(Smiles)
None taken.

KATE
I'm terrible at accents I always get Canadians and Americans mixed up as well.

WALT
Who doesn't

Kate tries to get off the subject.

KATE
So, are you here on your own?

MATILDA
No, we have the triplets with us, our youngest stayed home, he hates the sun.

KATE
Triplets, wow what are their names?

WALT
(Glum)
Charity, Faith and Hope!

KATE
That's a strange way to say It I would have gone the traditional way.

MATILDA
They insist we do it that way as they were born one minute apart, and Charity is the eldest.

WALT
(Glum)
We didn't know that we were having triplets.

MATILDA
We'd already chosen the name Charity because we had been trying for years and God had mercy on us.

WALT
When the next one came, we called her Faith as that was my mother's name.

MATILDA
And when I had a third, we called her Hope as we both hoped that there wasn't going to be another one.

Kate can see she has hit another sore spot so she again gets off the subject

KATE
And you have a son as well.

MATILDA
(proud)
Yes his names Lock he's two years younger than the triplets and football mad,

KATE
Loch is that a Scottish name?

WALT
It's spelt L-O- C-K

KATE
That'd unusual.

MATILDA
We went with that in case we had triplets again. We didn't want to get caught out twice

KATE
What do you mean?

WALT
Well if she did we were going to call the other two Stock and Barrel because they're be no more f**king kids for us after that!

Radio Studio.

Samuel:
Hello folks. You all know how much we- l love a good charity, especially at this time of year. We all like to do our bit to help those less fortunate here (upbeat) on the Night Gordon with me Samuel Gordon. I'm delighted to say that 40% of all proceeds from today's show will go to the Billy Lassiter Home for Disappointed Owls.

Blennermore:
It's 100% sir.

Samuel:
100% of what Blennermore?

Blennermore:
100% of proceeds from the show and t-the song you wrote.

Samuel:
My song, my Christmas song that I worked long and hard at - all gone for nothing!

Blennermore:
It is for a good cause. These birds are very disappointed.

Samuel:
We all get disappointed! I'm disappointed every day of the week working with the people around me. Present company included of course. You still don't see me contacting Billy Lassiter to go live in his sanctuary and asking for songs to be written about me. Birds can sing. Why don't they write their own songs?

Blennermore: (quietly)
They're glum.

Samuel:
Speak up Blennermore, you'd have to be a mouse to hear that.

Blennermore:
The owls are glum, they're depressed. It's hard to write an upbeat song of hope when you're down. Plus they're birds - they can't write.

Samuel:
Depressed owls? Is that what I'm reduced to?...All I ask is for my dignity somehow. Where's the gala luncheons and film premieres? Look folks, of course I want to help animals. I love animals, I really do and I'd hate to see them damaged. It's just that they're so useless.

Blennermore:
Most of our money comes from ads. Shouldn't we be queueing the ad?

Samuel:
Shhh Blennermore. That reminds me, it's time for an ad folks and this weeks show is sponsored by badgers scarves...

Advert:
Now that winter is upon us, have you checked your neck for warmth? Protect yourself from neck flu, neck chill and trench neck with badgers scarves. Handmade by our team of badgers, we pick only the finest quality material from all over the place. Their unique three ply overlay system will be sure to keep your neck snug this winter. The badger is not called the seamstress of the animal kingdom for nothing. Ha, ha, ha!

Protect your neck from cold with warmth. Badgers scarves - those badgers are brilliant!

Samuel: (miles away)
T-thanks to badger s-scarves. Those...badger scarves handmake all those wonderful...winters....No, NO! 100%? I'm fuming. I've gotten worse since before the ad folks. We put in all the hard yards and then the owls sit back and reap the benefits. Get Dan Spaniel out to Lassiters place. I want an in-depth report as to what the hell is going on.

****
Spaniel:
I'm here at the Billy Lassiter Home for disappointed owls. And it's here that Lassiter himself houses owls of a disappointed nature. As we are funding a charity drive for this very Billy Lassiter...home for....disappointed owls. We need to get up close and personal to make sure that our money is not going to waste. Ah here's the man himself here...

Billy.....Lassiter Home for Disappointed Owls. What makes a disappointed owl? How do we know they're not just looking down?

Billy:
We use several indicators to check the mood of owls. The shrieks, the peaks, the birds, the beaks, they're all indicators. The flight, the height, the dark, the night, are they smooth operators?

Spaniel:
That's a lovely poem. Now, about the owls. How would you go about depressing one of these owl fellows?

Billy:
We don't want to depress them, we want to rehabilitate them. Allow them to flourish before releasing them back into the wild.

Spaniel:
Release them? Why are you holding them captive? I thought you were supposed to be helping them.

Billy:
Take this Balsas Screech Owl for instance. We found him under a hedge measuring saw dust and chasing after mice that weren't even there.

Spaniel:
And you noticed this, took him in and wanted to see what other crazy stuff he'd get up to. I can see why, it sounds like a right laugh, but how does that help the owl. Where is our money actually going here?

Billy:
We need to house, feed, nurture and rehabilitate
The birds. I can't do it all myself.

Spaniel;
Why do it at all then? I mean you can't very well put your name to something and then constantly look for loads of other people to help. if that were the case you'd have to call it the Billy Lassiter, Samuel Gordon, Sir Frederick Brongaloon and the staff at The Night Gordon and friends Home for Owls that act weird, are then captured and held in captivity against their will and released back into the wild at the drop of a hat.

Beat.

Billy:
Good day to you Mr. Spaniel.

Spaniel:
I feel we're onto something here folks. Lassiter didn't like my line of questioning but I'm not giving up just yet. Here's some owls (whispers) I'm going to sneak in around the back. What's this, a great horned owl and some other lad. Oh they are big boys. And look at this, flying around in their element. No disappointed owl would have such a laissez-faire attitude....now look, the minute they see me, they act all sad. No, no, you're not pulling the wool over my eyes buddies. I'm going to blow this operation wide open. Get up! Get up let ye! Act normal and stop pretending. You're not fooling roving reporter Dan Spaniel. GET UP!

That lad is-is looking at me. Finally a bit of eye contact, yes, now flight...now being attacked...now loads of them. Oh Jesus, this may have been a mistake! For the Night Gordon, I'm Dan Span- OW! Abort! Abort! Abort the charity! Give em nothing. Give em nothinggg!! Ow.. ow...OWLLLSSSSS!!!

Long beat.

Samuel (in studio):
Happy Christmas Dan........now, Christmas wines, what makes a good one...

End.

CHUGGERS PLAYS POP

A MAN WITH A TIN IS COLLECTING FOR A CHARITY - A 'CHUGGER' AS SO-CALLED IN INFORMAL SLANG

CHUGGER: Hello handsome sir, could you spare a moment..?

MAN IN SUIT: No, sorry, I'm in a rush... (WALKS AWAY)

CHUGGER: Hello beautiful lady, would you like to donate to...

MAN IN FLOWERY HAT: Actually, I'm a gentleman, but I'm wearing a flowery hat, so it's an easy mistake to make... (laughs as he continues walking by)

CHUGGER: ..It's a good cause, to save the elephant...

MAN IN FLOWERY HAT: (PATS HIS VARIOUS POCKETS) Ooh, no spare change, anyway...

CHUGGER: Nice hat.

MAN IN FLOWERY HAT: (laughs as he walks off)

CHUGGER: This poor elephant! Will nobody save the elephant?

MAN WITH ORANGE SCARF: Hey, sorry to interupt, but I couldn't help overhearing you talking to yourself like a f**ken lunatic.

CHUGGER: Interupt away, man with orange scarf!

MAN WITH ORANGE SCARF: Now, did you really say "elephant"? No plural, just one solitary elephant?

CHUGGER: Yes. Just five English pounds and you can help elephant.

MAN WITH ORANGE SCARF: What country are you from, by the way?

CHUGGER: Oh, Bristol, England. I just leave the occasional word out of a sentence to save time.

MAN WITH ORANGE SCARF: Ah. Where is this elephant that I'm being asked to save with my five English pounds?

CHUGGER: He's there! He's up there, look, just above your head, right now...

ELEPHANT FALLS ONTO MAN WITH ORANGE SCARF

MAN WITH ORANGE SCARF (FROM UNDERNEATH ELEPHANT) Well, what was that all about, then?

CHUGGER: If you'd been a bit quicker with the five English pounds, I could've bought a net to catch him in...

MAN WITH ORANGE SCARF LAUGHS, AS DOES THE ELEPHANT, SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH

gappy for me. I don't always go for song lyric ones, but that had some quite clever and creative ideas for charity shop items - some absurd, some quaintly believable (100 piece jigsaw with 96 pieces), some a bit bleak (like the reference to a large number of 2nd hand Lostprophets CDs).

Quote: a plate @ 8th December 2023, 2:50 AM

gappy for me. I don't always go for song lyric ones, but that had some quite clever and creative ideas for charity shop items - some absurd, some quaintly believable (100 piece jigsaw with 96 pieces), some a bit bleak (like the reference to a large number of 2nd hand Lostprophets CDs).

As a very regular charity shopper, I can confirm that a lot of their records have been donated - and of course not bought.

I vote for a plate, I often really enjoy the entries that are absolutely batshit bonkers.

I'm plumping for the Gap man too. An excellently observed ditty 😁

Gappy.

Gappy