Sergeant Scarier 18 - 26.11.23

F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Crindy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Crindy - 6
Otterfox - 2
Teddy - 1

Next topic: Language
Leg closed: 26.11.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 6 Crindy
2 5 Otterfox
3 3 Teddy

COCKNEY AND BULL

PUB.
TOM (bored)... Enter DICK, excited, flapping arms.

DICK Tom, you just GOTTA see this new hobby I've taken up! It's awesome, it's mind-blowing, it's - rather good, really.

TOM (yawns) What is it this time? Your last hobby was fly fishing.

DICK That was cute, too.

TOM My trousers still haven't regained their shape.

DICK Ah, that was last decade. Listen to this...

TOM Do I have a choice?

DICK Nope. (proud) Cockney!

TOM Any other parts of the body?

DICK No, duh! Cockney rhyming slang.

TOM Ah, cool. Let's hear it.

DICK All right. (clears throat) All right, me old friend! I was on the old TELEPHONE up the old STAIRS usin' me old HEAD to tell some old LIES to the old WIFE givin' an old LOOK with me old EYES and you wouldn't BELIEVE the old THIEF...

TOM No...

DICK What's wrong, the accent? OK: (bad London accent) I was on the old TELEPHONE...

TOM No. Cockney is when you take a word that rhymes and then associate it with another word but you only use the first one. Get it?

DICK (thinks) No.

TOM Like, stairs.

DICK OK. (looks ahead)

TOM Or, look.

DICK (continues)

TOM Or, eyes.

DICK (continues)

TOM (hits him) Like, what rhymes with stairs?

DICK (thinks) Nightmares, Duncan Dares, pubic...

TOM Shut up. Pears.

DICK (excited) Where?

TOM Shut - up. I meant fruity pears.

DICK (more excited) Where?

TOM Pears with a stalk on.

DICK That's pornographic now.

TOM (losing patience) What goes with pears?

DICK (thinks) Nipples?

TOM Apples.

DICK This is a pub. I don't think they do...

TOM Shut - UP. Stairs rhymes with pears, which go with apples. So in Cockney, apples means stairs. So up the apples means up the stairs.

DICK Sounds dashed odd to me. If I mean stairs, I'll say stairs; otherwise people might get confused.

TOM You don't get it.

DICK If I want someone to go up the stairs, I'll just ask them.

TOM But...

DICK I'm sorry. I really don't understand why anyone would want to say...

TOM SHUT UP.

DICK Yes, Tom. Sorry, Tom.

TOM Another example. What rhymes with head?

DICK Dick head.

TOM I'm only trying to...

DICK No, it rhymes.

TOM Loaf.

DICK I'm quite active, actually.

TOM Loaf of bread - head. See? You try.

DICK All right. Think I'll eat some head.

TOM No...

DICK All right. I'll eat some loaf...

TOM NO...

DICK I'll eat some of.

TOM One last try. Dog and bone: telephone.

DICK OK. I have a hungry hound at home. It's a telephone.

TOM The other one.

DICK I have a home at hungry...

TOM Other way round.

DICK I have a hungry home at hound...

TOM Forget it. (leaves)

DICK What a silly looking runt.

1: OK, I need everyone to be clear on this, there's no room for slip-ups, right? Beta team, you come in from this side, look to take down any defences. Wait 20 seconds, no more, then team gamma, you fly in from here, and go as directly to the goal as you can: there's no time for elegance at this point, just get it done. Any questions?

2: Why's team beta addressing the defences?

1: It's more your skill set, you're the big boys, the others are fast on their feet.

2: No, I mean, where's team alpha?

1: There isn't one, is there. Pay attention.

3: Well, that doesn't make sense.

1: How can it not make sense? There's two teams, you know that, they can't have 3 names.

3: I mean, how can there be a beta when there's no alpha?

1: Alright, alright: team beta, you are hereby known as team alpha. Happy?

2: No. That's worse!

1: How can it be worse?

2: Where's beta?

1: I just changed beta! You literally just asked me to change beta.

3: Only a psychopath would name teams alpha and gamma! That's worse than beta and gamma.

1: They're just names.

2: And they're the wrong names.

1: How can they be the wrong names? I know they're the right names, because I named them.

2: And you named them wrong!

1: Alright. So the teams will be called alpha and beta, seeing as Steve here is a sodding nincompoop? Everyone who was originally in team beta is now in team alpha, and everybody was in team gamma, is now in team beta.

3: I'm confused. I was in team gamma, so...?

1: So now you're in team beta.

3: And team beta is now team alpha?

1: No! Well, yes...but no!

2: Both of us are team alpha now? This is worse than before.

1: Shut up! Shut up about alpha and beta! They're are no longer the team names. I've just going to give the teams normal names! So, the first is called, err, John, and the second is called Matthew.

3: That won't work. Matthew comes before John.

2: And where are Mark and Luke? Have you got any different names?

1: No! You want to name the teams, you name the teams. Maybe you'll find it's harder than it looks. Go on: go!

3: OK, but just before I do...are you sure the Football Association will let us have two teams?

1: Err, not sure.

2: I think they have to be only 11 players too.

1: Oh. Alright, the other 40 of you can stand down.

SFX:THE SOUND OF FORTY DISAPPOINTED PEOPLE SOUNDING DISAPPOINTED

Sports Interview.

Vance:
I have a very special treat for you tonight. My next guest needs no introduction, that's what I'm nearly saying to you folks. It's only the greatest almost jockey the world has nearly seen... Johnny Clapperhead!

Vance cntd:
Johnny, it's an absolute pleasure to have you on the show. It's no secret that I'm a huge fan. How long have you almost been a jockey for now?

Johnny:
Eighteen, coming up on nineteen years.

Vance:
For nineteens of years you have been doing the business in the shadows - on the periphery. Any particular highlights?

Johnny:
Oh it must be about seven or eight years ago now. The Willow Bank-

Vance:
The Willow Banklet Stakes. Oh yes, I remember this. A terribly wet day.

Johnny:
I was imagining being on the shoulder of the leaders but I just couldn't get ahead no matter how hard I pretended.

Vance:
Oh no! What did you do?

Johnny:
I gripped hard on the reigns but they were slippy from the rain. I wiped my hand on my jodhpurs and felt something in my pocket. Hello, that's something in my pocket, I thought, maybe they're a pack of boosters.

Vance:
Boosters?

Johnny:
It seemed like a suitable word for the shape of them. Boosters I thought loudly, until I finally said it and shouted it and said it again and shouted. Boosters! Boosters! So I looked at my trusty steed Bobby Bruce, he looked back at me. 'Boosters Bobby Bruce' I repeated having said it once loudly already. He absolutely loved the alliteration and flew to the line taking the victory on that cold wet day in the month of March through the mist and the fog - in my head.

Vance:
'Boosters Bobby Bruce', incredible! No-one ever thought of that before.

Johnny:
That's exactly it. No one has ever thought of anything before.

Vance:
Winning a race through alliteration. Johnny, I hope you don't mind me saying that I think you are some kind of genius.

Johnny:
I also dreamed of riding in the national.

Vance:
No way! You really dreamed of that?

Johnny:
Oh yes hundreds of times.

Vance:
Oh good God! I never knew this. What was it like?

Johnny:
It's an unbelievable feeling. Tiring but exhilarating at the same time. You should try it some day.

Vance:
I could never dream of that. That's your dream. Could I almost be a jockey too?

Johnny:
Nearly....Let me show you something....now I want you to have a look at this photo. This was taken during the queen mother chase two years ago.

VANCE:
You weren't in it, surely?

Johnny:
No, but listen to this- if I had been in this race I would also have been in this photo....let that sink in for a minute...

Vance:
Wow! They say never meet your heroes but this is amazing....C-can I keep the photo?

Johnny:
Of course. My mother has this same one framed at home.

Vance:
Well, what a memento to finish up our epic chat.
Give it up one more time for the almost astounding, practically a prince, half a hero. Just one word away from being a true legend. Undoubtedly nearly the greatest sports star to practically exist - Almost jockey, Johnny Clapperhead!

And Johnny will be nearly signing copies of his notabiography this Saturday...in his head.

Euston Station
Bureau De Change Booth

A Chinese man with thick rimmed glasses appears at the window.

A girl aged about 18 is behind the glass and her tone is very keen and helpful.

MAN
Sterling please

GIRL
Certainly sir, just so you know for next time they're called pounds over here. Now how many would you like sir?

MAN
1

GIRL
No problem would that be 100? Or 1000?

The man at the window becomes extremely irate.

MAN
100 no no no 1000 no no all wrong!

The girl is clearly upset and apologetic.

GIRL
I'm sorry sir its only my first day and I only sell foreign money I can't talk foreign languages.

An older woman enters the booth carrying two Costa coffee cups. she gives the girl a cup with a smile. She then goes to the window and leans over the counter as she looks down at the Chinese mans legs and sees that he is wearing a kilt. The woman's eyes roll and she points as she speaks to him very firmly,

WOMAN
The train ticket office is over there sir, you'll probably have to go via Glasgow.

As the Chinese man leaves the woman speaks kindly to the girl.

WOMAN
So now you know about that one and the other one to watch for is anyone who wants less than 10 Euros. You'll get at least 5 of them a day. You just point to the tube sign and tell them to get off at St Pancras.

I liked them all, but Otterfox pips them at the post.

Otterfox,

Michael

Otterfox

'Tis the Monkhouse for me too this week. All enjoyable reads.