Spice-Boiled Sergeant 26.10 - 4.11.23

F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 4
Gappy - 1

Next topic: Holiday (suggested by APlate)
Leg closed: 4.11.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 12 Otterfox
2 11 Gappy
3 10 Me
4 5 APlate
5 1 Firkin

A COUPLE (NIGEL AND TINA) AND THEIR SON (KEVIN) ARE IN A CAR

NIGEL: Are we there yet?

TINA: Not quite, Nigel. We haven't even left. I mean, you haven't started the car.

NIGEL: You're right, wife. Anyway, it's gonna be a great holiday, I just know it. Are you all right in the back there, Kevin? Did you bring the bucket and spade?

KEVIN: No, dad, because we're going to the zoo.

NIGEL: Well, I thought you might want to, er, dig a tunnel, or something shit like that.

TINA: Please stop swearing in front of Kevin. He's only 23. It's a very impressionable age.

KEVIN (IN AN UNCONVINCING SCOTTISH ACCENT): Och, I'm Billy Connolly!

NIGEL: No. No, you're not, actually.

KEVIN LOOKS DISAPPOINTED

NIGEL: Now, it should take an hour to get to the zoo. We'll stay there until lunchtime, then head off to the holiday cottage from there.

TINA: OK, Nigel. Let's get going.

NIGEL: Ooh, I'm nervous! What if we see those creatures with the long necks? I might have one of my episodes again.

TINA: Just start the car, dear.

THEY START THEIR JOURNEY.

NEXT SCENE: AT THE ZOO

NIGEL: It's great here, isn't it? You know... Monkeys, and so on and so forth.

KEVIN: Where are the giraffes, dad?

NIGEL: What does that mean?

KEVIN: You know, the dudes with the long necks.

NIGEL: God. Keep those creatures away from me. I don't want to have one of my episodes again.

TINA: You'll be perfectly safe, Nigel...

NIGEL: Perhaps we should just stay here, rather than go to the holiday cottage? We could sleep with the so-called 'Spectacled Bears'.

TINA: What?!

NIGEL: No, maybe not. The pretentious bastards! Calling themselves 'spectacled'. They wear no glasses.

KEVIN: Mum! Dad! We're all certifiably insane, aren't we!

THEY ALL LAUGH

COMEDY:This seems like a good spot. Not too near the stage, bit of shade, easy access to the Tia Maria bar.

FUNNY: Sounds good. I love these bank holiday music events. Unroll the blanket.

COMEDY:Erm, where's the blanket?

FUNNY:In the same bag as the rug.

COMEDY:What, here?

FUNNY:No! that's not the rug, that's the throw. Look in the bag next to the icebox.

COMEDY: Oh, yes, here it is. So, shall I lay out the blanket first, or put up the folding chairs?

FUNNY:Well, don't be silly. No point putting up the folding chairs till we know where the folding table is going to be.

COMEDY:And that can't be placed until we've got the folding coffee table done. got you.

FUNNY:Why you don't you put it there? [BEAT] Not, there. [BEAT] No, not there, there. [BEAT] There. [BEAT] Left of that.

COMEDY:Here?

FUNNY:No! Downwind of that. Move a bit left, but like you were a knight in chess. [BEAT] No, not there! [BEAT] Yes, there!

COMEDY:Well, I can't put it here! Where will I place the inflatable humidor and the telescopic escritoire.

FUNNY:Why not put up the telescopic wine rack and see how we go. It's there, behind the umbrella stand.

COMEDY:That's not the telescopic wine rack.

FUNNY:What is it?

COMEDY:The telescopic telescope.

FUNNY: Oh, I think it will be too bright for that.

COMEDY:Yes, but we could hang towels on it after we've used the bidet tent.

FUNNY:Good thinking. So all we need now is Arthur's nappies. And Arthur's healthy snacks. And Arthur's unhealthy snacks. And Arthur's change of evening dress. And Arthur's books. And Arthur's nanny.

COMEDY:I've got all that. [BEAT] Did you bring Arthur?

FUNNY: Oh, might have forgotten. Never mind, let's just leave the rest packed up and enjoy the festival.

SFX:QUIET FIRST FEW BARS OF MUSIC

COMEDY:Gosh, it's loud. Shall we move further back?

FUNNY:Actually, I was thinking we could perhaps make a move - I've got a big day in the office on Tuesday.

COMEDY:Yes, probably for the best - I think it's a getting a bit crowded already - they let too many people into these events.

FUNNY:Quite. [GRUNT] I can't quite get the mahogany to fold on Arthur's travel bassinet.

COMEDY: Oh, just leave it. They're disposable, really, aren't they?

FUNNY:Quite.

COMEDY:Quite

A packed Boardroom at the J&J Chocolate Company

A man in a sharp suit is standing in front of the board with a cloth covered box in front of him,
MAN 1
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you ... He unveils the box with a flourish.

'The Chegg'

We see a chocolate egg in a box with a tag on the side.

MAN 2
What the hell is that?

MAN 3
Isn't that just an Easter egg with chocolate holly on it

MAN 1
It is now, but what if I do this.

He rearranges the holly to make a rabbit face.
MAN 1
Cont
Viola... Now it's either and the tag's blank so you can write Happy Christmas or Happy Easter it's a win win!

MAN 3
I'm not so sure

MAN 1
And because it covers both holidays the retailer won't have to reduce the price on Boxing Day and we get no returns

BOSS
I like the sound of that!

WOMAN 1
But why would people want that?

MAN 1
What if your guests don't turn up at Christmas? Or God forbid Covid comes back? If it does you just put it in a cool cupboard and give them out at Easter

MAN 4
What if the Holly / Rabbit could also turn into a rose we could crack Valentines Day as well!

MAN 3
Brilliant
MAN1
But what would we call it? ' The Chegg; had a ring to it

MAN 3
What if we use the 'X; from Xmas 'Love; for Valentines and the traditional Egg for Easter

MAN 1
So, it would be 'The X Love Egg'

WOMAN 1
That sounds way too sexual. And it would cause all sorts of mix ups on line

MAN 2
With a name like that it would go viral in minutes, we wouldn't even have to pay to advertise it

BOSS hands out the cigars

BOSS
I'll order the new moulds first thing in the morning!

MAN1
So, you're going with it sir?

BOSS
puffs cigar
Son I've been in this game my whole life. If I can't shift 30 tons of chocolate between Christmas, Valentines, Easter and half the perverts on the internet, no one can!

ADVERT:

Have you fallen on holidays? By that I do not mean have you had an accident while holidaying, I mean, have you fallen through a hole and inexplicably found yourself to be on holidays?

If this is you then you will know the smooth fresh scent of the smell of fresh sun air. But once you fall back home again you return to the smell of the air of stale air and wet dog and scruff and all manner of disgustment. But disgust no more!

With Bloomerang Summer Candles you can return to the scene of your plummet anytime you wish; nasally. Experience that ocean breeze or tropical mist from our noses directly to yours.

Bloomerang Summer Candles are hand made using 100% natural weather. Close your eyes, drift away, hear the swell of the sea, feel the sun on your skin and the summer smells inside in your nasal cavities.

Be transported to a meadow blushing with weather or a sun with flowers in its hair. Our candles are made by hand picking only the finest weather. This is then hand poured using 100% natural hands and packed in specially selected socks once worn by 100% feet.

For the sunniest snout all year round, turn to the smell of a summer sound.

For a limited time only why not try our horrible summer range, such as Dead Crab Rotting in the Hot Midday Sun; Summer Blossoms Withered in a Vase and the Rancid Water Beneath; and Rolling Hills of Slurry Stink.

Now, even on the darkest of winter nights you can have the whole summer experience anytime you want up your nose.

Bloomerang Summer Candles - made by hand; packed by foot.

MADGE-ORITY

PSYCHOLOGIST'S STUDIO.
PATIENT (writhing on bed) and PSYCHOLOGIST.

PATIENT Oh goodness gosh and gracious, Mr Psychologist Sir, you simply must aid me!

PSYCHOLOGIST Come, come, come, as the priest said to the choirboys. Fret not, I've studied in Stoke... What screams to be the problem?

PATIENT Madonna.

PSYCHOLOGIST Come on, she's not that bad.

PATIENT I mean, I'm obsessed with Madonna.

PSYCHOLOGIST I see... And this is similar to worship?

PATIENT Yes, like a prayer.

PSYCHOLOGIST Or never being touched?

PATIENT Like a virgin.

PSYCHOLOGIST Or being in a magazine.

PATIENT Vogue.

PSYCHOLOGIST Gosh, you ARE obsessed.

PATIENT Hung up.

PSYCHOLOGIST Teetering on the edge...

PATIENT Borderline.

PSYCHOLOGIST And your dad...

PATIENT Oh, father!

PSYCHOLOGIST What do you say when he lectures you?

PATIENT Papa, don't preach.

PSYCHOLOGIST Well, at least you'll survive.

PATIENNT I will survive. I mean, live to tell.

PYSCHOLOGIST And admit in in a Spanish isle, like...

PATIENT La Isla Bonita.

PSYCHOLOGIST Or a discothèque, where you...

PATIENT Get into the groove.

PSYCHOLOGIST And curtsey...

PATIENT Take a bow.

PYSCHOLOGIST As you make...

PATIENT Confessions on a dance floor.

PSYCHOLOGIST As you bare your soul...

PATIENT Open your heart?

PSYCHOLOGIST To an attractive foreigner, a...

PATIENT Beautiful stranger.

PSYCHOLOGIST Explaining the topic to a lady. Discussing the...

PATIENT Material, girl.

PSYCHOLOGIST Well, instead of telling her you're nuts over her and...

PATIENT Crazy for you.

PSYCHOLOGIST You need to...

PATIENT Don't tell me.

PYSCHOLOGIST... To show your true colours...

PATIENT True blue.

PSYSCHOLOGIST Put this on ice...

PATIENT Frozen.

PSYCHOLOGIST Is this possible?

PATIENT You'll see.

PSYCHOLOGIST But first, you need to take a vacation and party. A break and rave. Time out and divert yourself.

PATIENT You're right! Cheers, mate.

Teddy gets my vote this week. (I could see that egg idea actually working, maybe you should get it patented..!)

Otterf**ked.

Super-close runner-up place to Teddy, for his worryingly feasible idea, but Otter gets my vote: "This is then hand poured using 100% natural hands" made me laugh.

Otterfox made by hand packed by foot.

I think Mr. Paddalack is onto a winner with the chegg. I agree that it should be patented - quick. Lovely stuff and he gets my vote.