F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox, Gappy, APlate and me for winking. PM me with a subject apiss for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox, Gappy, Aplate, Me - 1

Next topic: TV
Leg closed: 22.10.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 10 Gappy, Me
2 8 Otterfox
3 5 APlate
4 1 Firkin

BOOBTUBE

MAN looking vacantly ahead for three minutes...

VOICE That was a Youtube Reaction Video of a German watching Mr Bean.

We had a packet of Daz on top of our TV, couldn't afford Ariel **

** That's not one of mine, so it's not an entry.

I've seen one-liner joke in previous comps, so I trust it's OK ?

* On TV prostitutes are always in dimly light places. No wonder they struggle to find a way out.

* Did you see the TV program about Hollywood colostomies ? It's called "I'm a celebrity shit get me out of here."

* When they repossessed the TV they had to take granddad with it, he was glued to the screen.

* My partner keeps going on about having a change of scenery, so I bought her a bigger TV. ++

++ not sure if this last one is similar to one I've heard, but it doesn't come up on google. Mind you I wrote most of the above a long while ago, do they sound dated ? I'd value your feedback.

Quote: Firkin @ 17th October 2023, 12:26 PM

I've seen one-liner joke in previous comps, so I trust it's OK ?
.

View original

Yes. It's like my mother. Anything enters.

INT. RADIO STUDIO. 1930's. Samuel Gordon presenting his show - The Night Gordon.

Samuel:
(Off mic)Blennermore, where's my footstool?

Blennermore:
You told me to throw it out as it didn't agree with your heels sir.

Samuel:
You threw it out? This is 1933 Blennermore, I need a footstool. Alright, you're just going to have to let me rest my feet on your back......Now our next guest on the Night Gordon is a rather bizarre one. Call him unusual, strange, off-centre, a bit of a waste of space but the show must go on. He's here to talk to us about his predictions for the future. It's Norman Panpipe.

Norman:
Good night.

Samuel:
Oh you've finished up already, fantastic.

Norman:
I was merely wishing you a good night...

Samuel:
Which means tha-

Norman:
By way of a salutation.

Samuel:
I thought it was the other one. The goodbye one. (Mutters) So we have to let this farce continue. (Normal voice) Right, so according to you, you have ideas about the next great technological advances which you obtained through years of scientific discovery.

Norman:
Not exactly. I observe current trends, moods, what's popular with the general public and what they are gravitating towards and then predict what the next advancements will be.

Samuel laughs heartily.

Beat.

Samuel:
You're serious!? I've never heard such rubbish in all my life! Blennermore, do you have another word for it?

Blennermore:
Balderdash.

Samuel:
Fantastic! That's great (laughs)

Blennermore:
Twaddle.

Samuel:
(Laughs)Twaddle. Excellent.

Blennermore:
Hot air, gibberish, claptrap, poppycock.

Samuel:
Alright, alright, calm down Blennermore. Now, Panman, can you tell us some of your predictions?

Norman:
It's Norman.

Samuel:
Bad start. You couldn't even predict what I was going to call you and I'm sitting directly across from your face.

Norman:
It's not about proximity, it's about outlooks, moods, interests, that sort of thing.

Samuel:
And you do that by...

Norman:
Studying them.

Samuel:
And another way of saying that is...

Norman:
Observing them.

Samuel:
Yes, and another way?

Norman:
Notice.

Samuel:
You're very bad at saying the word that I want you to say. Two faults I can see in your...you. You can't predict, and you're no good at knowing what people want you to say.

Norman:
I don't follow.

Samuel:
Exactly my point. And I don't follow you either and I never would. 'Viewing' is the word you were not predicting I was looking for, 'viewing.'

Norman:
With due respect Mr. Gordon we should really talk about my prediction.

Samuel:
With no respect off you go.

Norman:
I see a time when all people will sit at home watching a box known as a television and it will become the number one source of entertainment.

Samuel:
Tele-vision? Watching a tele-vision. Sitting, staring in one direction for hours? Come off it!

Norman:
Yes, broadcast from a tv centre somewhere, much like the way radio is broadcast today but visually.

Samuel:
You mean like photovision if it existed?

Norman:
I'm not sure what you mean by photovision. I see, I see moving images-

Samuel: (mockingly)
Oh you see now do you? You see. You couldnt see though when I was inches from you, and you couldn't say the word 'viewing' when it was the one word that I really wanted you to say. Now it's all teleVISION and SEE and, and...other words that mean the same thing that you might have already said or maybe not, hmm?

Norman:
I-I'm not sure what the question was?

Samuel:
Oh, now you can't see it or vision, vision...

Blennermore:
Envision sir?

Samuel:
Or envision it, thank you Blennermore, and stop moving, it hurts my heels....I am sorry to subject you to this silly facade folks. Mr. Piedpiper here is nothing more than a fraud and I bid him good night - the goodbye one. There's the door, if you can see it....

Norman:
I do beg your pardon! I have never been so insulted in all my life!

Fx. Footsteps and door closing.

Samuel:
Beg all you want sport but you're not pulling the wool over my eyes here on the Night Gordon.

Blennermore:
Just looking at the paper here sir and it says-

Samuel:
Look at me when you're reading the paper Blennermore.

Blennermore:
But sir, I need to read the-

Samuel:
And then look at the paper when you're telling me what it says.

Blennermore:
It would be far easier if I-

Samuel:
I want it the opposite way around. Thank you!

Blennermore:
It.ahem.. says that Mr. Panpipes research...has been commended and...utilised by many highly regarded publications, governments and.... and scholars the length and breadth of this country. He is lauded from a height sir. Very well respected.

Samuel:
Now I see. Any chance he'd like to come back in?

END.

GLASTON:Thanks for coming in, Nostidge; cup of tea?

NOSTIDGE: No, programming manager.

GLASTON:Quite right, you're our programming manager. And I've been dealing with a few complaints about last night's scheduling.

NOSTIDGE:That's interesting, Mr Glaston. I put a lot of thought into last night. What was the nature of the comments, if I may ask.

GLASTON:Well, let's have a little look, shall we. If you'd cast your eyes to that monitor...

ANNOUNCER:[ON SCREEN] And now, on Channel 5: Channel 4.

GRAMS:CHANNEL 4 NEWS THEME FOR A FEW BARS, THEN FADE

NOSTIDGE:Yes, I agree, I thought that announcer was a bit close to the mic, too.

GLASTON:No, that's not the problem. The problem is that we showed all the same shows as Channel 4 last night. What on earth convinced you that this was a good idea?

NOSTIDGE:Market research. Their shows are more popular than ours.

GLASTON: But you can't just show 6 and half hours of someone else's programming. The only difference between Channel 4 and us last night, is that we put a little frame round the edge of the screen. Are people supposed to be convinced second-hand shows are somehow better if they're surrounded by a cheap graphic of pine?

NOSTIDGE:Balsa wood, sir.

GLASTON:What was the frame supposed to be for?

NOSTIDGE:Irony?

GLASTON:What?!

NOSTIDGE: No, not irony. I definitely didn't mean that.

GLASTON:Then why did you say it?

NOSTIDGE:[BEAT] Irony? No, but the frame made it clear people weren't watching Channel 4. I figured this was like our version of Gogglebox. People like Gogglebox.

GLASTON:And last night Channel 4 showed Gogglebox! How can our version of Gogglebox be slightly smaller Gogglebox with wood round the edge?

NOSTIDGE:[PAUSE] Is there another word for irony?

GLASTON:Right, let's forget the imbecility of your idea, and get down to tacks: how can this possibly have been legal?

NOSTIDGE:Fair usage! If you waited until shutdown, just after we stopped steali- err, quoting Channel 4's schedule, a bloke came on and did a bit of a shrug. It's alright to use copyright material for the purposes of criticism.

GLASTON:[ANGRY] And speaking of the purposes of criticism, your idea was atrocious, and you are definitely, uncontrovertibly, and immediately fired!

NOSTIDGE:I'm just going to go ahead and assume that this is irony. You're not very good at it though. [BEAT] Oh, unless you actually are...

I keep changing my mind but final decision, Otterfox this week.

Otterfox.

Otterfox

Otterfox

Gappys Channel 5, Channel 4 gets my vote.