For Emma - With Love and Squalour 11-19.7.21

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 3
Me - 1

Next topic: Death
Leg closed: 19.7.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 10 Otterfox
2 9 Me
3 5 Gappy, APlate, Alfred

EXORCISE ONE

TV STUDIO.
INTERVIEWER and DEBORAH.

INTERVIEWER Good evening, ladies and gentleman and you, and come well to this morning's edition of 'Mucous To My Ears', the show covering the UK's top bands, and Pulp. I'm Claude Nobbes and in this afternoon I'm proud to introduce our speckled guessed, Ms Deborah Curtis. Ms Debs, come well.

DEBORAH Yerse.

INTERVIEWER Thank you for a rare interview on the anniversary of the tragic death of your husband Ian, singer of Joy Division, legend and total Mancunian cult.

DEBORAH (sniffs) Yes.

INTERVIEWER What a complete cult... Debsie. When you agreed to appear, we thought, Hang the expense - sorry... But you didn't hang about...

BEDORAH Please.

INTERVIEWER Apologies. I'll get the hang of this... Could you tell us about the final moments of this cultish figure?

DEBORAH Yes. My husband was very depressed...

INTERVIEWER Just hanging on the edge...

DEBORAH Until he was reaching the end...

INTERVIEWER Hanging by a thread...

DEBORAH He was frustrated...

INTERVIEWER Yes, must've thought, Ah, hang it all...

DEBORAH Exacerbated by an alcohol problem...

INTERVIEWER Causing hangovers...

DEBORAH And guilt over his extra-marital relations.

INTERVIEWER Yes, I've heard he was well hung.

DEBORAH With groupies...

INTERVIEWER Usual hangers-on...

DEBORAH And of curse Anouk.

INTERVIEW He was hung up on her, wasn't he?

DEBORAH Yes, he was obsessed.

INTERVIEWER What a hang-up.

DEBORAH Especially when she refused his calls.

INTERVIEWER Just hung up on him.

DEBORAH PLEASE stop saying that.

INTERVIEWER Now, hang on!

DEBORAH Stop it!

INTERVIEWER I'm hanging on your words!

DEBORAH (sighs) Well he sought solace in fellow band members.

INTERVIWERS Guys to hang out with...

DEBORAH Around the pubs of Manchester.

INTERVIEWER Nice hang-outs.

DEBORAH Where they'd play games...

INTERVIEWER Hangman, perhaps?

DEBORAH And plan sports events.

INTERVIEWER Hang-gliding?

DEBORAH But just before they flew to America...

INTERVIEWER From a hangar...

DEBORAH He - (sniffs) he decided - to hang himself.

INTERVIEWER (shudders) Oooh, I hate that word.

DEBORAH I - I think our lovely daughter saved me.

INTERVIEWER Yes, nothing like children hanging around - I mean, hanging about - sorry, just hanging. Now let's change the subject.

DEBORAH Please.

INTERVIEWER Joy Division's influence has hung over our greatest bands, and Pulp.

DEBORAH Yes. Ian's own tastes ranged from traditional bands, like The Beatles...

INTERVIEWER (sings) 'Nothing to get hung about... Let me take you down...'

DEBORAH To current new wave, like Blondie...

INTERVIEWER (sings) 'Hanging on the telephone...'

DEBORAH He never liked Clapton...

INTERVIEWER Hung up on your love again...

DEBORAH But he'd've loved the eighties: Kim Wilde...

INTERVIEWER (sings) 'Keep me hanging on...'

DEBORAH Through the nineties, like Pulp...

INTERVIEWER No, they're shit.

DEBORAH Madonna...

INTERVIEWER 'Hung up!'

DEBORAH OK, that's enough. (to audience) Don't worry. Of course we're not making fun of Ian's suicide.

INTERVIEWER (to audience) No. It'd be ropey.

RAY:How are you feeling, mate?

CHARLES:Not so bad. They've got me pumped up with drugs to my eyeballs, though, so no surprise.

RAY:Reminds me of the lower VI.

CHARLES: [CHUCKLE] Not a million miles away. [BEAT] Look, Ray, there's no point us pretending any different: I'm on the way out. Might not wake up tomorrow. You know it, I know it, the doctors know it. Let's not pretend any different.

RAY:I know you're dying, old son. It would be dishonest of us not to admit it.

CHARLES:I knew you'd get it, mate! You always do. So, on what is doubtless our last time together, there's just one thing I want you to do for me.

RAY:Name it!

CHARLES;I want you to...tell me the spoilers.

RAY:Which spoilers?

CHARLES:All of them. All the spoilers.

RAY:I don't know what to...

CHARLES:You know, all the things people don't say and instead say "spoilers". Tell me those things. You might as well, you won't spoil anything for me now. Like, who wins the Squid Game?

RAY: Sorry, I don't know.

CHARLES:Alright. Which one of the little women dies? Come on, you can tell me.

RAY:I can't. I've no idea.

CHARLES:What animal did Zeus impersonate to have sex with Princess Eurymedousa?

RAY:Christ knows.

CHARLES:Which one of the Avengers has the biggest cock? Did Dirty Den really die the second time? Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?

RAY:Charles, can you give it a break?

CHARLES;[GETTING EXCITED] What does he whisper in Lost in Translation? Can you dial M for murder? Did Morph and Chas ever spit-roast Delilah? What's nanoo nanoo?

RAY: Stop asking me these things!

CHARLES:Christ's sake! I'm hardly going to find out the slow way, am I? Just tell me the spoilers cos I'm about to die. Don't you think someone should be allowed to know the spoilers when they're about to die?

RAY:Yes!

CHARLES:Then why won't you tell me the spoilers when I'm about to die?

RAY:Because I'm not about to die!

CHARLES:What?

RAY: So I don't know the spoilers! Nobody tells me the spoilers! If I ask about the spoilers everyone just says "spoilers"!

CHARLES Does anyone know the spoilers?

RAY:Quite possibly not.

CHARLES:I don't believe you! You know the spoilers and you're holding out on me!

RAY:I'm not, I swear.

CHARLES:[WHEEDLING] Just one, just one, please. [INSANE] Tell me a spoiler!

RAY:Alright, I slept with Janice! I'm the father of your son!

CHARLES: Oh [BEAT] I'll be honest, that was a letdown. Thought I'd feel excited. Oh well, I forgive you, mate.

RAY:Would it help if I told you I was in the form of an ant? Like Zeus was with Eurymedousa?

CHARLES: So you did know! You absolute shit! [GASP]

SFX:FLATLINING MONITOR

The Conquixitor was a miracle ship of that there was no doubt. Having survived many pirate attacks, unimaginably dense fog, even sabotage, Captain Don Stavros trusted her like the back of his own back. When they got caught in the mighty Calagascar storms, Don and his crew knew they could rely on their trusted Conquixitor to guide them to safety; but they were wrong. Before the storm had even reached them, the ship had crumbled like a piece of crackerbread in a fat man's pocket.

Her crew fell disappointedly into the cold murky waters and were scattered to the four winds. Great was their surprise when the entire crew tasted the sands of the same beach. Pulled by an unknown force, possibly the tide, they had all washed up on the same island. Not just any island - a mysterious one. After Stavros convinced his men to stop eating the sand they set to work planning their escape.

They traversed many strange landscapes and encountered numerous peculiar occurrences on their quest.

They first had to navigate the undulating flats - an area of perfectly flat land that paradoxically also had many hills and valleys, peaks and troughs.
After surviving this confusing terrain with only minor befuddlement they came across an unusual tribe known as the flat undulators who were both 2d and 3d but had little else to recommend them.

For those who claim that words can't hurt, they have obviously never encountered the pits of sarcastic snakes whose tongues were as sharp as their tongues. Lavrov, Bailey and McCarthy were the most noticeable victims as the limped over the rickety bridge having got the most severe tongue lashings.

Just up ahead the sailors encountered a figure pointing towards a mountain. He looked like a reverse monk with a tuft of hair on top of his head instead of the traditional ring of hair around the sides. He was bedecked in gold medallions and expensive rings and vowed to live a life of luxury. Fittingly he was known as Brother Opposite.

The mountain provided its own set of challenges including a team of Sherlock Holmes impersonating foxes who made you prove your powers of deduction before negotiating the unpredictable Ridges of Terrible Stuff Altogether.

Finally they reached the mouth of a cave atop the mountain and it was here that they discovered what appeared to be a portal back to their own land. Captain Stavros addressed his men, his voice carrying a hint of excitement.

Stavros:
We have had one hell of an adventure men but it looks like we may be just one step away from rescue. We will return and regale all with tales of our encounters and make heroes of our fallen friends.

McCarthy:
Um, what fallen friends sir?

Stavros:
Those who succumbed to the shipwreck and the hazards of the island. Who do you think I'm talking about McCarthy!?

Lavrov:
Which friends sir?

Stavros:
Our colleagues Lavrov, our colleagues. I know some have had their differences but we'd still call them friends would we not?

Bailey:
Oh yes sir. Definitely.

Stavros:
Great. So to be on the safe side we will jump into the portal one by one. I'll lead the way then Lavrov, Bailey and continue in a clockwise direction.

Doctor:
Won't we need to have our story straight when we're quizzed on the other side.

Bailey:
If we're quizzed. This portal could rip us to shreds.

Stavros:
Yes and go the same way as our lost companions. Someone will need to keep their memories alive.

McCarthy:
Whose memories sir?

Stavros:
We've been over this McCarthy. Those who died on our journey of course. What's wrong with you!?

McCarthy:
I understand that sir but who died?

Stavros:
Who died? Who died!?....how many of us have made it to here?

Doctor:
Twelve sir.

Stavros:
And we had how many at the start of the mission?

Doctor:
Twelve sir.

Stavros:
So we've lost...no-one? How on earth has that happened? Someone always dies in these adventures.

Doctor:
Not this time. We've all survived.

Stavros:
We can't have that. We have to be able to go back and say how we were determined to survive to keep our comrades memories alive. That's our whole angle.

Bailey:
So what do you suggest?

Stavros:
Someone's g-going to have to nominate themselves aren't they.

Lavrov:
Nominate themselves for what?

Stavros:
For, for...well...you know...for. Oh let's not beat around the bush. We don't know how long this portal is going to stay open. Someone's going to have to step up and take the hit.

McCarthy:
What if we all jump into the portal and maybe some of us won't survive?

Stavros:
We can't leave it to chance. The portal looks quite safe. We'll have to do it here to be sure. Who's not a main character? Who's said nothing yet?

Hayes:
Me sir.

Johnson:
And me.

Bilby:
Me too.

Stavros:
Stop saying stuff now, trying to make yourselves main. Anyone who still isn't a main character stand over there. Now which of you chaps is willing to die a futile death? No? Meaningless? Anyone? Come on! Surely someone wants to die inconsequentially? We'll make a big deal of it when we get back.

McCarthy:
That portal looks like it's getting a fair bit more dangerous sir. Maybe you could jump in, hopefully die and we'll tell all of your senseless gesture.

Stavros:
By george McCarthy it might just work. And up I go onto the edge and about to jump into the abyss and here I go and...

Lavrov:
There's a ship approaching! Looks like a rescue ship sir! We're saved!

Stavros:
...but I'm jumpiiiing!!!

SWOOSH.

Crew:
We're here! We're saved! Over here! Captain Stavros?

Stavros:
I'm come back to rescue you men! Hop aboard. Where am I?

McCarthy:
You jumped into the portal sir. Remember?

Stavros:
I'll run up and get me.

Lavrov:
Look. Another ship approaches. Captain Stavros is on it again.

Stavros:
Where did I go?

Doctor:
Into the portal.

Stavros:
Won't be a moment chaps. Will just go rescue me.

Bailey:
Another ship approaches. It's him again. You went into the portal! Will we just leave altogether?

McCarthy:
We'll be sure that tales of Captain Don Stavros and his pointless gesture will be told for many years to come.

Lavrov:
But is he dead then or what?

McCarthy:
Close enough.

END.

JOB INTERVIEW.

THE MANAGER, PAUL BUNION, A YOUNG MAN IN A SUIT, IS SITTING OPPOSITE A RATHER THIN ELDERLY MAN IN A BLACK CLOAK

PAUL: Good afternoon. My name's Paul Bunion, and I'm the manager here at Bunion's Home Furnishings. You must be Mr. Reaper.

REAPER: Yes, that's right. You can call me, er, Jim. Yes, Jim Reaper, that sounds good.

PAUL: I'm glad you think your name sounds good! (laughs) That's the kind of attitude we like at Bunion's Home Furnishings. Now, what made you apply for the position?

REAPER: Well, I've been in my current job for... rather a long time. And I felt it was time to try something new.

PAUL: Yes, I've been looking at your C.V., and your employment history just has one job. It says here that you had your own extermination business.

REAPER: That's right.

PAUL: Pest control?

REAPER: Er, yes, you could call it that.

PAUL: Do you have any hobbies? Gardening, perhaps? I noticed that you have a rather large scythe.

REAPER: That's what she said! (laughs)

PAUL: Good Lord. That was so amusing that I'm going to offer you the job. I'd like you to start in our design department. This is a big responsibility, so don't let me down. Now, your first task will be to create your own style of seating accessories.

REAPER: Then I must warn you. There will be grim reaper cushions.

My vote goes to Otterfox's rather ambitious epic, I like the whole bit of "stop saying stuff now, trying to make yourselves main"!

Otterfox for me too.

It's Monkhouse for me for his very well crafted sketch.

A Plate for me (I have an inkling I've heard the final pun before, but it's a goodun).

Quote: gappy @ 21st July 2023, 10:31 AM

A Plate for me (I have an inkling I've heard the final pun before, but it's a goodun).

Thanks! I know what you mean, I didn't intentionally rip it off anyone/anywhere, but it feels like it's probably been done before!

If you think of something independently, it's yours.

Yep, 100% agree, no allegations of halfinchery from me!

One of my go-to lines was, I don't like anal. It's f**king shit... I later discovered Jimmy Carr had exactly the same gag, but as I'd thought of it alone, I kept it in (tee hee).