F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to me for winking. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank please. I won't really. It's a joke! Meanwhilst...
Me - 3
Alfred, Otterfox - 1

Next topic: Police (chosen by APlate)
Leg closed: 7.7.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 9 Me
2 7 Otterfox
3 5 APlate, Alfred
4 4 Gappy

POLICE POLICE ME

OFFICIAL POLICE REPORT.
Suspect: Richard Staines.
Crime: Robbery of Hill Street Bank, Stoke, 18 July 2022.
Motive: Drug trafficking.
Date Of Birth: 12 February 2001,
Address: 69 Green Street, Stoke.
Inside leg measurement: Not sure.
Favourite Spice Girl: Ginger Spice (née Geraldine Estelle Halliwell)
Favourite Netflix series: They're all crap.
Favourite sitcom: Duh, Fawlty towers! It's still bleedin' awesome, mate.
When and how did you lose your virginity: Aw, you! Trust Constable Higgins to come up with a rude question, you naughty boy!All I'm gonna say is she was a very sweet girl - probably still is, tee hee! - and I was eighteen years old in a farmhouse during my Christmas break from robbing banks and stuff. Let's just leave it there, OK?
Favourite Beatles song: I think they're all fairly cool, actually. Maybe there are a coupla fillers in there, but ma , those lads was workin' themselves silly. Bands these days take years to make a single album and then it's shit. Everything's so darn corporate these days, you know whaddI mean? Anyway, coming back to your question, probably Strawberry Fields Forever. Love that track!
Favourite colour: Yes.
Favourite number: No.
Favourite animal: Cat. Sorry, is that a boring answer for the fans?
Additional information: I did the crime.
Hobbies: Playing on the swing.
Today's Facebook Self-Quiz: What kind of silver-haired, lithe-fingered Welsh mongoose would you be if Paul McCartney joined the Mice Protection League and licked a green, electric tour poster of The Monkees in Finland for the charity of your choice? A, B, or C?: Is it just me, or are these Facebook things getting weirder every day? Oh, I dunno. C. Ain't gonna happen though, is it?
Bonus question. - Tee hee, you said boner! - Ah, stop it. What're you like, eh? All right, extra question. Capital of Australia? - Duh, Sydney! Everyone knows that! - Mwahahahaha! No, it's Canberra! Sydney is Australia's most famous city, but technically NOT the capital! - You FIEND! - Just doing my job, Sir. So, make it up with... Ah, that's the buzzer! Well thanks mate, you've been a great sport. - Ha ha, sport! - See you next week.

ADVERT.

Do you fall over easily? I know I do.
If so, then the police force may be the perfect job for you!

Be it falling on top of criminals or tripping over vital pieces of evidence, we encourage plummeters of all shapes and capsizes.

We will take your skills and enhance them ten fold. Whether it be falling out of trees, tripping over straps of bags or stumbling over absolutely nothing. With the police you need never stay upright again.

At our training camp you will be taught by only the best the police force has to offer. Such as Sergent Johnny Cacophony, Chief Walter Sedge and 'Tumbling' Tommy Peterson. Their bespoke, ready-made course ensures a simple, yet very complicated three step process to be a champion toppler.

Step One; Trippage: master the art of the trip by getting your leg snagged on almost anything. Be it loopy bits of something, a load of camels tails tied together, or the string of the thing you purchased several weeks before and forgotten you even had. You'll be tripping like a pro before you can say: 'aaaah'.

Step two; The Plummet: This will include, Acceleration: how to speed up your fall so that you descend at an alarming rate. Distance: this will show you how to really plunge from great heights so that your topple seems to last forever. And of course, Beginnings: the art of any fall lies in the start. Here we show you how to make a fall happen from practically nothing, practically something and practically.

Step three, is the other two steps again but with an extra topple thrown in. This fall is the key ingredient as it happens in a very unexpected way, such as tripping out of a moving car, tumbling out over your desk whilst filing a report or slipping on the office police dog.

Our new and improved course now guarantees one extra fold. Yes that's right! Instead of ten, your falls will now improve eleven fold.

Remember, for a faller, the police force has it aller.

ADMIN:The suspect is still waiting in the interrogation room, Mr Brown. Are you going to interview him?

ARCHIE:Yeah, course just give a me a minute, if that's OK. [BEAT, THEN UNDER BREATH] Pick up, damn you.

BRIAN:Yello!

ARCHIE:Brian, where the hell are you?

BRIAN:Home.

ARCHIE:What? Had you forgotten that we have the number one suspect on the McGinty murder awaiting interrogation?

BRIAN:Nope, nope, nopedeee-dope.

ARCHIE:What's going on, then?

BRIAN:We agreed, didn't we, that you'd do good cop, and I'd do bad cop.

ARCHIE:Yeah.

BRIAN:I figured a really bad cop would skive off work.

ARCHIE:And how will you interrogate this scum from home?

BRIAN:I won't. Because I lied about home, I'm actually in the pub. Excellent bad copping, you must admit.

ARCHIE:For Christ's sake, get your badge and get over here.

BRIAN:Can't. Swapped the badge for a Pernod spritzer.

ARCHIE:You gave your badge to a civilian?

BRIAN:[WHISPER] Bad cop. [NORMAL] Tell you what I'll do though. Just let m send out word on the detectives WhatsApp, and we'll get a replacement in.

ARCHIE:What detective WhatsApp? Why aren't I on the detective Whatsapp?

BRIAN:Errm....oh, you're breaking up. Bye.

ARCHIE:This is unbelievable..

CHARLES:Hi Archie. Saw Brian's message, here to help. Shall we?

ARCHIE:Ah, detective Johnson. Yes, let's interrogate, time's running out.

CHARLES: Sure. And, just to check, you'll be good cop and I'll be-

ARCHIE:Not bad cop!

CHARLES:No course not. This.

ARCHIE:Charles, why have you put on a blond wing?

CHARLES:Isn't it obvious. I'm fair cop. Good cop, fair cop, that's how it works.

ARCHIE:That's not how it works.

DEREK:[ROBO VOICE] I. Am. Here. To Ass-ist. With. The. In-terr-o-ga-tion.

ARCHIE:What?

CHARLES:Ah, yeah, let's do that: Fair cop, Robocop. Classic.

ARCHIE:What? What happens when you do fair cop, Robocop?

CHARLES:You get results.

DEREK:Affirmative.

ERIC:[SQUAWK! SQUAWK!]

CHARLES:AH, that's the stuff.

ARCHIE:What is the stuff? How can Detective Sneddon screeching be the stuff?

CHARLES:He's doing good cop, hamerkop.

ARCHIE:What in hell's a hamerkop?

DEREK:A medium-sized icthyphagous South African wading bird.

ERIC:[BEAT, THEN SQUAWK!]

ADMIN:Mr Brown?

ARCHIE:Yes, what!

ADMIN:You've been so long the suspect started to get twitchy. They've just signed a full confession.

ARCHIE: Oh...err, great. Thanks.

CHARLES:Nice on, Archie. you really are a good cop.

ERIC:[PAUSE...THEN SQUAWK!]

A POLICEMAN IS QUESTIONING A MAN WHO IS WEARING A RATHER GARISH HAWAIIAN SHIRT

OFFICER: For the benefit of the sketch, what is your name?

IAN: Ian.

OFFICER: That's a very unpleasant shirt you're wearing, Ian. Rather garish, I would say.

IAN: Who are you, the fashion police?!

OFFICER: Actually, I am a bona fide police officer.

IAN: You're a what? A boner what? Like 'is that a truncheon in your pocket, or...'

OFFICER: The point is, I'm actually an actual policeman. And you're under arrest.

IAN: You're arresting me? Why?

OFFICER: For outraging public decency. With that horrible shirt. Now...

IAN: What?! You can't do that!

OFFICER: Hang on, let me try and do the thing. I can never remember all this. Now, you do not have to say anything.

IAN: (shrugs and doesn't say anything)

OFFICER: Um, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something... something which you later rely on in court.

IAN: Oh, right.

OFFICER: Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

IAN: Will it? Then I'll say 'stop punching me, officer! Ooh! Ahh!'

OFFICER: (laughs) You lost your bra, sir? You left your knickers in your boyfriend's car, sir?

IAN: (laughs) Well, it's nice that you're calling me 'sir'.

OFFICER: Oh, we're very respectful nowadays. Now, I'm going to put the cuffs on.

IAN: What, the SHIRT cuffs?

OFFICER: (laughs) No, I mean handcuffs. I'm going to put the handcuffs on.

IAN: Oh. Go on, then.

OFFICER TRIES TO PUT THE HANDCUFFS ON HIS OWN HANDS

OFFICER: Oh, you've got me all confused now.

I vote for Otterfox this week, I particularly liked "With the police you need never stay upright again" and 'Tumbling' Tommy Peterson.

Sec**ted. Otterfox.

I enjoyed them all this week but Gappy takes it for his unique take on the good cop/bad cop.

Otter for me too.