F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 2
APlate, Me - 1
Next topic: Celebrity
Leg closed: 15.6.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 6 Me
2 5 Otterfox
3 3 APlate, Gappy
UNIMPRESSED
PUB.
TOM sitting there, bored...
DICK rushes in frantically, flapping arms.
DICK Tom, you just gotta see this new hobby I got. It's funtabulous, it's enginormouse, it's awef**kingdiferous, it's quite good, mate.
TOM (Yawns) Your last hobby was singing Blur.
DICK Blur is cools.
TOM To the Oasis fan club.
DICK Ah, five out of ten who survived liked it. Anyway, get my new one: Impersonations.
TOM Dick, you haven't done an impersonation for approximately thirteen years, four months and nine days.
DICK It was nices.
TOM Yes, but I don't know who's gonna recognise Mr Higgins, Clapham High School's supply caretaker.
DICK Ah, that's old shat. Now who's this: (twiddles cigar) 'Now then, now then, now then, guys 'n' gals, Jim'll fix it as it 'appens...
TOM No.
DICK And owz-about that then?
TOM Stop it. You - you can't do Jimmy Savile.
DICK Why not? He did everyone else.
TOM I mean - he left a nasty taste in the mouth.
DICK So did he.
TOM It's - he f**ked with society.
DICK Never heard of her.
TOM Listen. If you wanna do an impersonation, choose someone harmless.
DICK OK. (thinks) Who's this? 'Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We hope you're enjoying your flight. Just coming up to one of New York's finest landmarks...'
TOM That's better. Who is it?
DICK The pilot on September eleven.
TOM DICK!
DICK All right. Um... Well hello and lovely to see you many of you here! I do hope you all have enough to drink - I'll be taking a shot myself later - before the visitors arrive...
TOM Don't know.
DICK Jim Jones.
TOM DICK!
DICK All right... Yes, do come in. Please leave your bags outside. You'll have a gas.
TOM Goebbels, right?
DICK NO!... Himmler.
TOM All right, Dick. One last chance. Do someone who isn't disgusting.
DICK OK...
TOM Where're you going with this?
DICK One direction.
TOM throws his drink over him.
TOMMY:[IN THE STYLE OF THOSE "HIRE A CELEB O GIVE A PERSONAL MESSAGE" THINGIES] Hi, it's me, Tommy Cannon - one half of Cannon & Ball. Now, I heard tell that you have a birthday coming up. All I can say, me love, is happy birthday and....rock on, Annie!
[IT'S KIND OF A RUNNER, SO ASSUME THERE'S A GAP OF SOME SORT BETWEEN EACH SPEECH, IF YOU'D BE SO KIND]
TOMMY: Annie, how you doing, it's me, Tommy Cannon, and a little bird has told me that you've been married for 30 years today! Well, hey, I were never the funny one, as people always liked to mention, but let me do me best, and wish you, Annie, a happy anniversary - Annie-versary. Oh, yeah, and rock on!
TOMMY: Annie, Tommy. That's like your body, innit, annietommy? Hey, but never mind that now, I have heard that last week you went to Pret a Manger. The one in Clerkenwell. And you had a crayfish sandwich and a tin of pop with elderflower in it. Quite posh, that, for a butty lunch! I hope you liked it - I don't know I weren't there - not even, like across the street, or anything. But, anyway, what was I going to say? Oh yeah, rock on.
TOMMY: Hi Annie. Right, so this time I discovered that as well Pret A Manger you like to buy sandwiches in Boots. Well, maybe you don't like it, exactly, but it's handy, isn't it, Boots. I saw you going in this time. And then, I waited, and saw you coming out, having a good old nosh on that there aforementioned sandwich. Now, I couldn't see from my vantage point what filling it was. But, I know now, because I found the receipt, in your bin. Tuna mayo. Classic, that. Classic Annie. Rock on!
TOMMY: Annie, sad to get your answerphone again. Cos I only get one phonecall and - oh, it's Tommy, by the way, in case you don't...no, you do, I think. But look, I get one call because I'm in the police station, so I rang you! But now I think about it, that's kind of funny, because I've been arrested for...I don't know, asking questions at your gym. David Lloyd, Stevenage. And I don't think that's a crime, exactly, but they said you'd made some, ah, complaints. So, look, I just wanted to say sorry. And rock on, obviously! Cos that's what we always used to...but mostly sorry. I don't know why I picked you, Annie. I've just felt untethered since Bobby passed on. Just so lonely, Annie. Adrift. [WHISPER] So lonely. [BRIGHTENING] Anyway, hope you're well and, err - hey, on the plus side, I'll probably see you in court! So that'll be nice. [PAUSE] Rock on...if you can...for me. Just for me.
[YES, THIS IS DEEPLY LIBELLOUS, I APOLOGISE TO TOMMY, BUT IT MADE ME LAUGH]
PETE: Guess what my latest invention is? It's a time machine.
JIM: A time machine? Ah, that takes me back.
PETE: Just think, Jim - we can travel through history and meet any celebrity that's ever lived. You like celebrities, don't you, Jim! George Best, George Harrison, George Washington... I mean, the possibilites...
JIM: ..End with Georges, apparently. Still, what an amazing invention! I can't wait.
PETE: Well, that's where I had you fooled, Jim, because...
PETE TAKES OFF MASK, AND REVEALS THE POPULAR ENTERTAINER ANT, OR DEC, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHICH ONE
JIM: Oh! I thought you were my friend Pete, but you're actually the popular entertainer Ant, or Dec, it doesn't really matter which one!
ANT/DEC: That's right, Jim! And you're on a new hidden camera show on ITV, called 'Gullible's Travels'!
JIM: (laughs) Oh, no! You got me! Well, it's nice to meet you. So, what happens now, then?
ANT/DEC: Well, I'm going to go and find my comedy partner, Ant or Dec - whichever one that's not me. And then we'll both look in the camera, and say "join us next week on Gullible's Travels'!
JIM: This has got to be the best format for a television programme EVER.
HILLY WOOLLABY:
Okay, that's the queen seen, thank God. Now we've been seen doing it on TV our profile will be even greater, and I've got my contract renewal talks next week so that should be worth an extra million.
PHILIP SHOWFAILD:
Yes, glad that's over, having to wait a whole five minutes was a complete drag, God knows how many rent boys on Grindr I've missed chatting up.
NEXT MORNING
HILLY:
Oh I don't believe it, look what the bastards have done to us in the papers.
PHILIP:
Ooh, there goes your extra million.
HILLY:
It must've been all those nobodies in that long queue we drove past. Jealous bastards have obviously complained.
PHILIP:
It's hardly our fault we happen to be TV royalty and they're not.
HILLY:
Yes, sad little people.
PHILIP'S PHONE RINGS
PHILIP:
Oh hi John, I'll see you usual place after the recording, yes the cleaners cupboard, love you.
DIRECTOR:
Okay, silence please. Ready camera one, good luck guys.
PHILIP:
Hello and welcome to Talking Bollocks, where we will indeed be talking bollocks about a variety of inane subjects but in a self important way that makes you think we're worth our obscene salaries.
HILLY: (in hushed condescending tone, sounding faintly sinister)
Now it's come to our attention that some of you plebs were extremely jealous for us having been given VIP entry to see the late Queen. Now, as you can imagine we are very busy people and we don't have all the time you people do just to stand about all night, especially when weren't on any bonus for it, which frankly is a disgrace, given our enormous celebrity status...
I started writing this about an hour ago. Apologies if it's all over the place...
INTERVIEW STUDIO.
Greg:
Welcome folks. You're in for a special treat tonight. It's an honour to have with us now rock star, nay, rock legend Malcolm Stingwell.
Malcolm:
Thank you, pleasure, pleasure, pleasure.
Greg:
We'll get straight into it. 1965, your first band had a minor hit with 'look at me when you're talking to him' but it didn't last long.
Malcolm:
No. A brief flame that burnt out like a match that only ever sparked and broke in two when attempting to light it and fell into the grate unreachable.
Greg:
And this was the band 'Fluff Masters'.
Malcolm:
That was the first group god rest them.
Greg:
What? The whole group?
Malcolm:
Yes the whole group got poisoned and died except for me and we broke up a couple of years later.
Greg:
They ate poison?
Malcolm:
It was the 60's. The motto was 'you don't know if you don't try it', and they died. They tried it and died.
Greg:
I suppose there's a lesson there.
Malcolm:
I suppose there is but I haven't quite worked it out.
Greg:
Your next band was of course Ace of Sevens. This was a couple of years later, we're talking......?
Malcolm:
Yes, we are talking. I thought that was obvious. It might be more interesting if you ask me about the year, era, that sort of thing.
Greg:
This was the dawn of prog rock. Late 60's I suppose, would that be right?
Malcolm:
I've absolutely no idea.
Greg:
Well cometh the hour, cometh the band and you certainly took the world by storm with your surreal concept albums starting with 'Monsoon of Cabbage'. Where on earth did the idea come from?
Malcolm:
It was based on real events. Our drummer Roger Shaw got caught up in a monsoon for a couple of weeks with nothing to eat but cabbage so we looked at things from his perspective.
Greg:
That's incredible. He must have had some stories to tell after an experience like that. Can you tell us about any of his experiences?
Malcolm:
He never told us. I'm afraid after the monsoon we never found dear old Rog so it was a tribute to our fallen drummer and based on the force of the monsoon we can assume that he fell quite a distance.
Greg:
The next album was sort of a natural progression from the first with 'Monsoon to the Moon', what was the genesis here?
Malcolm:
Well it was based on real events. As we considered where Rog might have ended up so we thought of him drifting to the moon looking down on us like some sort of star man. Anointed as such by the moon king.
Greg:
Really fascinating stuff. So Malcolm is there any plans to reform? Get the band back together?
Malcolm:
I'm afraid three more have since died in monsoons and the other has been poisoned.
Greg:
But there were only five of you in the band?
Malcolm dramatically slumps and dies.
END.
Great stuff from everyone. Gloriously tasteless stuff from Michael, gappy's managed to be creepy yet poignant (glad you put the apology in at the end, so there's no ill will meant to Tommy Cannon!) and even starting close to the deadline Otterfox came up with his usual great dialogue (especially liked the response to "we're talking..?").
But my vote goes to Alfred for the timely spoof of the current This Morning controversy - using the name "Philip Showfaild" is a gem in itself...
APlate.
I've invented a time machine. I'm so excited, I'm having a party last week.
The strongest week in quite some time. I enjoyed reading them all but it's Gappy's Tommy Cannon descent that gets my vote.
Fun week, but despite (because of?) the fact it was bashed out without too much thought, I vote Otterfox. Some great lines there, especially "We're talking". Also, "the whole group got poisoned and died except for me and we broke up a couple of years later" could easily have been in Spinal Tap.
A Plate (of potatoes please)