F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox and APlate for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox, APlate - 2
Me - 1
Next topic: History
Leg closed: 4.6.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 5 Otterfox, Me
2 2 APlate
1 1 Gappy
VO 1:[EXCITED] So now it's crunch time: who do you want to see voted off the Britvic pedalo? Will it be Magz, Japhet, Colin, or the ghost of Pliny the elder? Call the number on the screen now!
VO 2:[LEVEL-HEADED] Viewers should of course remember that this is a repeat of yesterday's final, so do not call the numbers, your vote will not be counted and you may still be charged.
GRAMS: ORCHESTRA CRASH STING
VO 3: [EXCITED] And that nail-biting scene from the final of The Lucky Lake of Tango is the last competitor in our Greatest Reality Show Phone-ins competition. But which was the best? To vote for Britvic and that plucky Roman spectre, or any of the clips from earlier in the show, call the relevant number on the screen. Lines are open...NOW!
VO 4:[LEVEL-HEADED] And, needless to say, as you're watching this on ITV+1, the numbers should not in fact be dialled: the decision has already been made and you may still be charged.
GRAMS:TENSION BED, FADES
EXEC 1:And that was our show. I think it was a great success.
EXEC 2: So, who won?
EXEC 3:Big Brother series one came first, with Searchlight for a New Jacko from Brush Strokes a close second.
EXEC 2:Yes, yes, but that's not what I meant.
EXEC 3:I don't understand.
EXEC 2:Tell them, Steve.
EXEC 1:I can report that 27 different people called in to vote for Peaches Geldof to turn on the millennium lights in Aberystwyth.
EXEC 3:Even though this was a repeat of a show which replayed a clip from a repeat of a show in the twentieth century where that was actually possible?
EXEC 1:Yes. And even though we said straight afterwards that the Honey Monster won.
EXEC 3:Right. So, how is that useful?
EXEC 2:How is that useful? We get on the phone to these idiots, get them signed up.
EXEC 1:I tell you, this is going to be the best series of Family Fortunes ever!
HISTORY IN THE FAKING
TV STUDIO.
MELVYN BRAGS and PONCE.
MELVYN Good evening and welcome to the BBC's history program 'History', the program on the BBC about history. Tonight I welcome Oxford University's modern history professor Robert Robertson, who's a professor of modern history at Oxford University. Mr Robertson, welcome.
PONCE Yerse.
MELVYN Now I believe you've uncovered a postcard by Adolf Hitler...
PONCE And I'm afraid it's a fake.
MELVYN But how do you know? Is it the style, the dating, the inaccuracies therein?
PONCE Well as my colleague A J P Taylor stated, The proof of the pudding's in the eating you silly f**ker.
MELVYN How dare you...
PONCE No those were his words, you silly f**ker. I now translate (takes out the postcard): 'Dear Mummy and Daddy, - So how the ballyhooks are you? Having an absolutely super-duper time here on the Western Front, where it's all jolly quiet. That's a bit of a joke, you know us Krauts and our whacky knockabout sense of humour! The sky's darn red and boiling hot, and that's just at night. In fact I quipped to Squadron Leader, who's an awfully nice card, "Why all the fireworks? We celebrating or what?" - and the silly Lederhosen retorted, "Shut yer marth yer silly Kant, they're shells." I joshed, "Shells? This is bally North East Germany, not Blackpool pier!" And when he stopped kicking me in the face he snorted, "Those fellows're going OTT" - always exaggerating, the German japester! - I assumed they were shooting off to lay their towels down, after all that's what made der Vaterland der Vaterland innit - yet he hooted, "Ja and ya're next!" Dashed interesting how the blighters rarely come back and those who do get a marvelous medal! Gosh I'd love one of those on meself, make you two pissing proud of me, what? Actually the last 'un - dashed good sort - he came back redder than the night sky I told you of earlier: I said, "Is that tomato sauce?" He uttered, or should I say, muttered, "Yeah and you can complete it with yer sausage and mayo!" Lovely how we grouts always manage to fix a barbeque in times of crisis! - Must tear now, matron says it's lights out and she's an awful stick-in-the-mud - as are most of us, ha ha! What a stickler!... Your loving son, Adolf. - PS Dem' awful weather out here. Squadron Leader says It's raining, men! You know I like the sound of that... I gushed, Do what? He yipped, Hail, Hitler! You know I like the sound of that too.'
PAUSE.
MELVYN And you stick by your guns...
PONCE So did he.
MELVYN I mean you're absolutely convinced it's a fake.
PONCE I'm afraid so. The word 'stickler' was invented several months later.
MAKING HISTORY
JIM AND IAN ARE IN A RESTAURANT
JIM: Just think, if we manage to make this business work, we'll be making history.
IAN: Well, you could say that about anything! (laughs)
JIM: Can you elucidate?
IAN: I'd rather not. This is a public place. But, you know, anything that anyone does is making history, innit?
JIM: Oh, really? What about me doing THIS?
(JIM WAVES HIS ARMS AROUND MANICALLY WITH A PECULIAR EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE)
JIM: You think that was making history, do you? You think people will be talking about that in fifty years time, do you? Writing books about it? Making a f**ken RELIGION out of it?
IAN: I didn't quite say that. I just mean that, like, everything that happens will become history. You know, once it's, er, finished happening.
JIM: That's profound stuff, man. Anyway, let's order something to eat, and discuss the new business. We're onto a winner with this one, Ian. This new enterprise is gonna win us awards. It's gonna, um, make history.
IAN: Well, you could say that about anything! (laughs)
JIM: I'm getting deja vu.
IAN: OK. I'll have the salmon.
PRESENTER:
I'm delighted to be joined tonight on our historical talk on the fa cup by someone. That someone is someone who has lived though many great events and indeed matches in history. Ladies and gentlemen, that someone is non other than someone who is very well known to you and I, although a bit more well known to me and even more well known to some others. I would like to point out however that I do know him more than most others...but not as much as some, a few others.
It is definitely and honour and a privilege to be joined by him here this evening. So without further ado let me introduce you the the one and only player, manager and all round involver in the fa cup. In fact, he was instrumental in the formation of the cup. Here he is the 207 year old!
BEAT.
What an amazing opportunity it is to have the chance to interview such an iconic individual, although I do know him relatively well...I think.
What he doesn't know about the history of the FA Cup isn't worth knowing, such as the quickest goal, the slowest goal and of course, goals. Also, the first player to receive a red card in a final was in 1985 when Manchester United's Kevin Moran received his marching orders. But far be it from me to tell you these. I'll let him tell you all the facts and stats that I've just told you, again. He knows it all as they also call him the memory man. I forgot to mention that bit.
This giant of a figure needs no introduction. Here he is: Bill Shambles!
Bill enters and sits down.
Presenter:
Bill, what an honour it is to have you on the show. Now...and that's all we have time for, goodnight!
CREDITS ROLL. Bill looks around utterly confused.
END.
I vote gappy.
"Searchlight for a New Jacko from Brush Strokes"!
Gappy.
Monkhouse for me.
A PLate, I think, though really close runners-up in Michael and Otter.