F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 3
Me - 1

Next topic: Island
Leg closed: 24.5.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 4 Me
2 3 Otterfox
1 1 Gappy

DJ (off) And that was Miley Syphilis with her cover of Peter Gabriel's 'Sledgehammer', and we've never seen a sledgehammer look so happy. But now, coming from that Island Down Under his pants, it's the sexy, the sizzling, the scorching Rolf Harris with his madley!

ROLF (tune: 'Waltzing Matilda')

Once a horny madman, camp with a willy long,
Under the shade of some cooled-off bums three
And he twanged at a snatch and jerked until his panties boiled
I'll come if you bop me bishop for me

Choking me chicken, jerking me gherkin
I'll come if you pluck me twanger for me
And he spanked and he yanked and wanked until his willy's soiled
I'll come if you punch me munchkin for me

(tune: 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport')

Hold me didgeridoo, Sport

Watch me wiener spurt seed, mate
Watch me pecker spout cream,
It's a dangerous breed, mate
So watch me splurge cottage cheese
Altogether now!

Tie me dingaling down, sport
Tie me long ding dong down
Tie me popsicle down, sport
Tie me ole one-eye down

Keep me cock, me tool cool, Curl,
Keep me hot corn dog cool
Ah, don't go acting the fool, Curl
Just keep me prick 'n' jewels cool

(tune: 'Two Little Boys')

Two little boys had two little toys
I'm hung like a wild horse
Gaily they played till they got laid
I boned them both of course
One little chap then had a mishap
Jerked off his penis head
Wonked off his toy, then cried with joy
As his young playmate fled

Did you think I would leave you whacking
When there's room on my horse for two
Climb up here, jack me, don't be crying
I can splooge just as fast with two
Your nads grow then we'll slap the solider
Pricks like horses, we'll stork more boys
And I wonder if you'll remember when Rolf boned
Two little boys

('Six White Boomers')

Six white bloomers, snow white bloomers,
Chasing tiny boys with their 'mazing bum.
Six white bloomers, snow white bloomers,
For my Australian fun.

('Sun arise') My dick rise, early and a horny,

My dick rise, it come every day.

('Someone's pinched me winkle') Someone's pinched me winkles!
Me winkle has been pinched (oobie dooby)

Me winkles has been pinched,
Now some feller's gay, jizzed a load of old cement

But me winkle's got a lot of vitamin contents

('Waltzing Matilda')

Bashing me candle, boxing me bonzo
I'll come if you clean me rife for me
And I choked the sheriff and waited till the posse come
I'll come if you crank me love shank for me

KENNY ROGERS: Islands in the stream, that is what we are.

JOHN DONNE: You and I are not going to get on.

A TEACHER AND THREE SCHOOLBOYS ARE STRANDED ON AN ISLAND

TEACHER: Don't worry, children. We'll get rescued soon. It's actually quite exciting, isn't it, being on an island in the middle of nowhere! Like in that book, 'Lord of the Flies'!

PETER: Yeah, except you're here, sir, so we can't get really anarchic.

TEACHER: "Get really anarchic"? I don't think that's grammatical, innit?

LEO: That's great, sir! You said "innit".

TEACHER: Haha, I just realised - you're called 'Leo'! What a peculiar name for a young lad in this day and age. Like f**ken Leo Sayer, or some shit! Very modern, I don't think!

PETER: Are you all feeling all right, sir? Why don't you sit down?

TEACHER: Never mind that now. Let's do the 'Lord of the Flies stuff'. Now, wasn't there something to do with a pig's head?

LEO (TO PETER): What's wrong with my name?

TEACHER: Shh a minute. I don't want to worry any of you, but if we don't get rescued soon, we'll probably have to resort to eating each other.

MIKE: What about water? We need water more than food!

TEACHER: Well, what do you think that f**ken wet stuff all around us is?

MIKE: Yeah, but sir, remember: "Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink"...

TEACHER: What?! You do say some strange things sometimes. Cushions? Cushions?

PETER: Oh, Christ. We're stranded on a desert island, with a teacher who seems to have gone mad.

TEACHER: There's no 'seems' about it! Get it? It's a joke about sewing, or some shit. Sewing those cushions that you're always on about, I'll wager!

SCENE CHANGES TO LATER, A HELICOPTER HAS ARRIVED

RESCUER: Get aboard the helicopter, lads, and let's get you back to England!

TEACHER: Yes, off you go, boys. I think I'll stay here.

LEO: Sir?

TEACHER: Don't worry about me, Leo. I like it here. I've finally found peace.

MIKE: Goodbye, sir. We'll never forget you.

TEACHER: Cushions!

Another JD one
AT NONSUCH PALACE, A NEW POET IS CHARMING THE QUEEN AS HER COURT GATHERS FOR EVENING REVELS
QE1:
And what say you John?

DONNE: RESTS CHIN ON HAND IN BLATANT PHILOSOPHIC POSE AND PAUSES FOR A SEEMING ETERNITY, BEFORE EVENTUALLY
Well, Ma'am, I'd say 'No man is an island'

HUSHED TONES OF AWE ARE GASPED

QE1 LOOKS LOOKS IMPRESSED, THE OTHERS SERVILELY FOLLOW THIS DEMEANOR ALTHOUGH THEY'RE STILL TRYING TO WORK OUT WHAT IT MEANS, SIR PHILIP SIDNEY JEALOUSLY SCOWLS AT HIM, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE SCRIBBLES IT DOWN AND EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT HIM IN WONDER, EXCEPT A NONPLUSSED AND UNIMPRESSED SAILOR NOT AKIN TO RAREFIED METAPHYSICS

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE:
Then what the f**k is that large lump of land between England and Ireland I sail past every time I circumnavigate the globe? Prithee?

Island sketch

INTERVIEWER:
I'm here on the island of Spruce, known of course for its trees...and it's spruce. And it's here that I'm talking with Fulford Oxlung - here. Fulford rose to fame last year when he hit a deer, though he still maintains that the deer had asked him to do it.

Now Fulford is in the headlines again, this time he has claimed to have discovered evidence of the one and only Mothman!

Spruce is a strange island for sure. They have curious customs such as dancing their way to work, placing bun cases on dogs noses like tiny parasols and tickling the wind. It is the type of place that if you had an accent it would be an unusual one.

Fulford, what evidence have you discovered in relation to the mothman and why?

FULFORD: (accent)
I was chewpping down trees when I bruke through a tree into a field of newts and I theught, 'hello, here's dinner.'

INTERVIEWER:
Right. Very little to play with there and almost no mention of the mothman yet I notice.

FULFORD:
I newtice differently to you then.

INTERVIEWER:
Do you, do you...and what are you noticing?

FULTON:
Newticing, newticing, ground, sky and talk.

INTERVIEWER:
Well is there any chance that you could maybe start making the same observations as me?

FULFORD:
Seuch as?

INTERVIEWER:
Such as taking heed of what you're saying in relation to me not understanding it in a way here. How about the Mothman? That would be a start.

FULFORD:
Mootman currently make up zero percent of the poopoolation but we hope to improve on that stat.

INTERVIEWER:
By finding one?

FULFORD:
Yeees.

INTERVIEWER:
And have you found one?

FULFORD:
Yeees.

INTERVIEWER:
And can I see it?

FULFORD:
Yeees.

INTERVIEWER:
And does 'yeees' mean yes?

FULFORD:
Whut? You mean with the words I used?

INTERVIEWER:
Yeees, I mean yes....can you take me to where you saw the Mothman?

FULFORD:
Ceertainly, yeees. Up Creeeper Hill and the cave at the top.

INTERVIEWER:
Alright. Let's go.

BEAT.

INTERVIEWER:
Alright folks, we've reached the top and no sign of any moth- wait, there looks to be a figure at the opening of the cave.

FULFORD:
Mootman.

WHAT LOOKS TO BE AN ORDINARY MAN STANDS AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE CAVE.

INTERVIEW:
This is just a man. What makes him moth?

MOTHMAN:
Would you like a hand climbing up?

INTERVIEWER:
We're already up. What's moth about this situation?

MOTHMAN:
I can tell you the right path to take to get up here perfectly. Especially in the night with a light.

INTERVIEWER:
We're up! Why would we need this information now? I've just spent two hours climbing up here. Where's the bloody Mothman?

MOTHMAN:
A little known fact is that this cave contains a map with the exact directions for the optimum route to take. Certainly not to be missed.

INTERVIEWER:
That's useless now! We're here! All your points are moot. I'm looking for the Mothman, not some sort of Mootman!

FULFORD:
Mootman.

INTERVIEWER:
Please tell me you've been saying 'moth' wrong and not actually referring to him as a Mootman? There is a Mothman isn't there?

FULFORD:
Mootman, I'd luuve to know how to geet up here.

MOTHMAN:
Great. Let me show you...

FULFORD AND MOTHMAN WALK OFF.

INTERVIEWER:
No! It can't be! My whole trip has been a joke. Sorry folks. The trail of the Mothman has been an absolute disaster. This stupid island with its stupid accents has led me on a wild goose chase. I could have sworn he was just saying 'moth' wrong. The Mootman exists as clear as day but the Mothman is nothing more than an idiotic fantasy. Back to you in the studio..

FX OF HISSING SOUND AND LARGE WINGS FLAPPING.

INTERVIEWER:
No! NOOOO!!!!

I like gappy's and Alfred's takes on the 'no man is an island' thing, Michael's timely 'tribute' to the recently deceased Rolf Harris..
But Otterfox gets my vote for his trademark oddness!

Yes, Otterfox.

Plate for me, thanks.

It was between Mikey Monkhouse and A Plate for me this week. Some very inventive revised lyrics to Rolfs classics. I'll go for A Plate for
genuinely funny lines like 'shh a minute' and 'there's no 'seems' about it.'

Bonkhouse.