gappy
Monday 10th April 2023 4:39pm [Edited]
Oxford
2,680 posts
JACKSON:Was there anything else, sir?
BOSS: Of course there is! You only just came into my office. We have a problem with the printer. It's full of pilchards. I need you to fix this.
JACKSON:I think we need to call Estates, to be honest.
BOSS:Not literally to get rid of the pilchards! To get rid of the situation that allows the pilchards to arise.
JACKSON:Warm water chimneys in the seas off Sicily?
BOSS:The situation whereby you keep employing the sort of people who put pilchards in printers.
JACKSON:It's never happened before.
BOSS:No, but we have had such similar occurrences as a shop floor full of marzipan pixies, Gladys from Accounts being set on fire, and the pot plant in Reception renamed Xanthore The Mellifluous.
JACKSON:That one helped with morale, sir.
BOSS:Not once the chapel had been built around the plant pot; and the pigeon sacrifices began.
JACKSON:That was a dark Wednesday.
BOSS:Jackson, since you took over HR, have you been deliberately employing people who are insane?
JACKON:Yes.
BOSS: Oh. I was not expecting you to say that.
JACSON: Oh, yes, I thought it would be a good idea to get mad people to work here.
BOSS:But why?
JACKSON:Because it helps.
BOSS:It does not help. Why would you think it helps?
JACKSON: I read it once.
BOSS: We've all read things, Jackson, why would you assume that this particular thing you read was guidance on how to run an office?
JACKSON: Because I read it in an office. And it was on wood, not just some old paper, so they clearly stodd by it: employing mad people helps.
BOSS: It helps lizards get painted on all the lever arch files with marmalade, perhaps, but it doesn't help business.
JACKSON:I think you're prejudiced, sir.
BOSS:I am absolutely not! I have no problem with those members of the community who have mental health issues, or psychiatric diagnoses - I'm so fair-minded and sensitive on this front that if I were to make a joke involving people with mental health issues, I'd go out of my way to ensure it was clear they weren't the butt of it.
JACKSON:Very sensible, I'd do the same.
BOSS:But I sincerely feel that our employees have to be, in terms of social functioning, sane to work here.
JACKSON:Fair enough, sir I'll bear that in mind next time we recruit.
BOSS:Excellent. Now, Jackson, let's get back to the real business of this company.
JACKSON:Which is making humorously wry signs for offices.
BOSS:No it's not!
JACKSON:Really?
BOSS:No. What part of no don't you understand?
JACKSON: Ooh, that's a good one. I must tell Xanthore...