F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 2
Otterfox, Me - 1

Next topic: Phones (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 27.3.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 6 Gappy
2 5 APlate, Otterfox
3 2 Teddy, Me

Don't you hate it when you're on the phone for hours being really cool and funny and sexy, but the miserable bitch never calls back? That's why I stopped working for the Samaritans.

RITA:Big day coming up! Our little phone shop is nearly ready to open.

SUE:Cool. And what will we sell?

RITA:Well, phones, obviously.

BOB:Mostly old ones. And second-hand computer games.

SUE:And will we unlock devices without enquiring too deeply about their ownership?

RITA: Of course. Same as all the other small phone shops, I guess.

BOB: Plus we'll sell stolen goods.

RITA: Oh yes, we'll definitely do that. That's what will differentiate us from the other shops.

SUE:[COUGH] Yes, we'll be unique in that market. So, we're all set, then?

RITA:Well, we still need a name. Any thoughts?

BOB:How about Phones For You? Except the For is the number 4, and the You is the letter U.

SUE:Well, that's astonishing. The letter U bit is just monstrously exciting.

RITA:It is very good, but, you see, I'm sorry to inform you that there is already a shop called Phones 4 U.

BOB:But not with the 4 and the U, right?

RITA:No, with exactly the 4 and the U. So, any other ideas? Obviously, if they include numbers, then they'll be the all the better, for some reason.

SUE: OK, going with the trend, how about Phones To You?

BOB:Is the You a U?

SUE:Naturally! And also, the To is a 2.

BOB:That's amazing. I mean, it's barely idiomatic English, but it's worth it, for the 2.

RITA:It is very good. Erm, the trouble is there are 12 shops called Phones 2 U in Newbury alone. Third time lucky, perhaps.

BOB:You - and, just to be clear, that You is a U - Just Won A Phone. Won being 1.

SUE:Won being 1! This is cataclysmically clever.

RITA:I can't deny that, the 1/won switch is staggeringly beautiful, but won't people come in and expect to get a free phone?

BOB: Probably. Could we give them a free phone?

RITA:It's not quite the business model I was going for.

SUE:You Ate A Phone!

RITA:I don't understand.

SUE: Sure, it is a tricky one, but the You is a U, and the Ate-

RITA:No, sorry, I mean, I got that bit. But...who ate a phone? And, do the people who ate a phone need to come to our phone shop?

BOB:They'd presumably need a new phone.

RITA: OK, that stands up, but I just don't think anyone has eaten a phone. Last chance.

BOB:Is This Even A Phone Shop? But it's spelt Is Thi Seven A Phone Shop?

SUE:That doesn't really sound the same. But on the other hand, it is my favourite thing in the world.

BOB:I mean, it's clearly the greatest thing I've done in my life.

RITA:That part's true. I just wonder...does it perhaps imply that the shop isn't actually a phone shop?

SUE:No. I think it's a challenge and people will want to take that challenge, and come in and find whether it's even-

BOB:It 7.

SUE: Sorry, whether it 7 a phone shop.

RITA:Hmm. I'm still not sure...

SUE:I've got it! Is Thi 7 A Phone Shop, Asks U.

RITA:Umm...

SUE: Oh yeah, and You is the letter U.

RITA: Oh my God, I just came.

SCENE: A MAN CALLED MR PARSNIP IS AT HOME, AND HAS JUST ANSWERED THE PHONE IN THE HALL

MR PARSNIP: Hello?

VOICE: Ah, I like it when people say 'hello' like it's a question! (laughs) Is that Mr. Parsnip?

MR PARSNIP: It might be. I'm in the middle of cooking something. Who's this?

VOICE: Well, my name's Barry, and I'm here with my mate George. We're Jehovah's Witnesses. So, what do you make of THAT?

MR PARSNIP: What do you want?

VOICE: Your soul. (laughs) Don't worry, I mean that in a nice way. Me and George are going to save your soul, and then you get to go to Heaven.

MR PARSNIP: Hang on, don't your lot believe that only about 140,000 people actually get to go to Heaven?

VOICE: Oh, I don't know. Probably. I mean, it depends how you interpret the scriptures. It's all a bit vague. It's like in that programme, Q.I... 'Nobody knows'! (laughs)

MR PARSNIP: Well, why are you phoning me up about it? Don't your lot usually knock on people's doors?

VOICE: I do wish you wouldn't keep saying 'your lot'. It doesn't exactly sound good, you know? Now, are you going to join us?

MR PARSNIP: Oh, I've got to join you, have I?

VOICE: I don't know, actually. I haven't really got this far before. Hang on, I'll ask my friend here. George, what's supposed to actually happen, are they supposed to join us, or give us some money, or what?

OTHER VOICE: Dunno.

VOICE: I just asked George, and he says he doesn't know, Mr. Parsnip.

MR PARSNIP: Well, is this going to take much longer? I was rather hoping to put my sprouts on.

VOICE: Did you hear that, George? Mr. Parsnip said he wants to put his sprouts on! (laughs)

MR PARSNIP ANGRILY SLAMS PHONE DOWN

MR PARSNIP: Bloody God-botherers!

PHONE RINGING.

William (on phone)
Hello there Herbert? Say Herbert, have you seen my big write up in the paper about my brilliant phone calls?

HERBERT: (on phone)
S-AHEM- sure.

WILLIAM:
Good Lord Herbert, do you have a frog in your throat?

HERBERT:
No! (Indignant)

WILLIAM:
Well in that case, here's another brilliant phone call - what you need is a Keys Lozenge. Conceived, written by and starring Arthur Key as the creator, Keys Lozenges grabs you by the scruff of the mouth and then gets to work on the scruff of your throat.

What sets Keys Lozenges apart is that it's not just another throat drop. Don't like it whole? - you're in luck! Keys Lozenges can be sliced, halved, peeled or chopped into your mouth. It can also be placed in at any angle, any time, by any fingers.

These lozenges offer twice the protection of any lozenge that has only half the protection of it.

Why bet on a losing lozenge when the lozenge you want to back is a lovely lozenge. A lozenge that looks like a lozenge...lozenge...lo-zenge - the word has suddenly lost all meaning to me - lozenge? (Confused)

BEAT.

I'm back!

Keys Lozenges - turn to keys and unlock your best.

LONG BEAT.

HERBERT:
This was your worst call yet.

Line goes dead.

END.

I'll go for gappy. So that's what Rita, Sue and Bob too are up to these days, then..!

Another who doesn't mind the Gappy.

Gappy for me too. 'The U is monstrously exciting' 😁

Michael's gag is a very good one, but I've heard something incredibly similar before - just bad luck on his part, not a criticism - so I shall give my vote to Otterfox, for the general insanity.