F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with your subject for next wank, pleased. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 2
Otterfocker - 1
Next natterjerk: Food and Drink
Leg closed: 12.6.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 4 Gappy
2 3 Otterfox
3 1 Me
NOTHING FOR THE WEEKEND.
RESTAURANT.
CUSTOMER and WAITER.
CUSTOMER Ah, good evening, waiter.
WAITER Good morning, Sir. And what would you like this afternoon?
CUSTOMER Um... Chicken, chips and salad please.
WAITER Ah, yerse. I'm afraid it isn't chicken season...
CUSTOMER Fine. Just chips and salad.
WAITER (writing) No chicken, chips... Ah, blow my breeches, Sir. We're out of potatoes.
CUSTOMER (laughs) Is this an Irish restaurant?
WAITER Do shut it, Sir. (writing) No chicken, no chips, just... Well blast my pants. Salad's off today.
CUSTOMER Fine... Steak?
WAITER It's called 'rare' for a reason, Sir.
CUSTOMER Headcheese?
WAITER Can't give you head, Sir.
CUSTOMER Spices?
WAITER They split up after the 'Headlines' single.
CUSTOMER Vanilla ice?
WAITER He's shit too, Sir.
CUSTOMER Ice-tea? Cranberries? Black-eyed peas?
WAITER Duh!
CUSTOMER Bread?
WAITER Been off the telly for years.
CUSTOMER Brie?
WAITER So's 'Desperate Housewives', Sir.
CUSTOMER Salt?
WAITER And Angelina Jolie, Sir.
CUSTOMER Feta?
WAITER I'm trying to lose weight, Sir.
CUSTOMER Lolly? Bacon? Dough?
WAITER There's a recession, Sir.
CUSTOMER DOUGH?
WAITER Yes, doh, Sir!
CUSTOMER Peach? Sweetie pie? Sugar plum?
WAITER Ah, stop messin' abaht.
CUSTOMER Crabs? Chili willie? Dried nuts?
WAITER (hits him)
CUSTOMER Mango?
WAITER I'm staying right here, Sir.
CUSTOMER Duck?
WAITER (ducks)
CUSTOMER Bubble and squeak?
WAITER (squeaks) Bubble's off too, Sir.
CUSTOMER A load of tripe?
WAITER It was, wasn't it.
CUSTOMER Right. Before I smack you in the gob, do you have any food whatsoever?
WAITER (checks menu) In a manner of speaking...
CUSTOMER Yes?
WAITER No.
CUSTOMER That's the last time I eat Ethiopian.
JACK: [TASTING NOISE] Mmm, mmm, that's very good. Excellent vintage, thank you. [PAUSE] Pamela? Pamela, is that you? On the next table?
PAM: Hello. Yes I'm Pamela, but - oh my God! Jesus, it's Jack! My word, I've not seen you since...
JACK: About ten years. When Clarence's magazine folded. What are you up to?
PAM: Oh, still writing, not got a proper job yet! Actually I'm [LOWERED VOICE] a restaurant reviewer. I'm doing one now.
JACK:You're joking! So am I [LOWERED VOICE] and so am I.
PAM:Would you credit it. Why don't we shoofle the tables a bit closer?
JACK:Let's. So, are you waiting on your main, too?
PAM:Yes - though unlike you I didn't order a bottle of Chateau Neuf du Pape after my starter.
JACK: Oh, it's a Saturday,who cares? What did you have for starter, incidentally?
PAM:The calamari. It was divine.
JACK: Snap! It just melted, didn't it? And that mayonnaise citron was...mmmhh!
PAM:I must ask them how they source such fresh squid here in Greenwich.
JACK:How they source what?
PAM: Squid. [BEAT] For the calamari.
JACK:Wait, are you telling me calamari is made of squids?
PAM: Of course.
JACK:[RETCHING NOICES FOR A WHILE] Squids? Like the fish?
PAM:Yes. I mean, I don't think it's strictly a fish, because fish don't have legs.
JACK:[RETCHING] You're not telling me calamari is made from those long waxy water spiders?
PAM:I think I am. Not the words I'd use, exactly but...sorry, how long have you been a food critic?
JACK:About 6 years.
PAM:And you never knew what calamari was? How funny. Still, it's not weird: when you think about it, eating squid legs-
JACK:[HUGE RETCH]
PAM:Is no stranger than eating chicken legs.
JACK:What are you saying, Pamela?
PAM:Chicken legs.
JACK:Whoa whoa whoa, stop the ghost train - you're telling me chicken legs are the legs of chickens?
PAM:What did you think they were?
JACK:Christ, not the limbs of those pecky fluff birds!
PAM:But they're called chicken legs!
JACK:Yeah! But so are lady fingers.
PAM:No they're not! They're called lady fingers.
JACK:But, what I mean is, they're not lady's fingers. They're little soft biscuits. And sometimes they're slimy green vegetables, just to be confusing, but they're never the severed digits of the aristocracy.
PAM:Fine. But lady fingers are the exception.
JACK:Exception, my colander! You'll be telling me next that Bombay duck is made from swimmy park fowl.
PAM:No, it's not.
JACK:Good.
PAM:It's made from fish.
JACK:[RETCHING]
PAM:But not the sort that have legs.
JACK:That's not better! The slippy fin lizards are as gross as the waxy water spiders. Wait, hang on - what about my favourite? Is roasted lamb shoulder actually...?
PAM:Afraid so.
JACK:Wow. OK, Pamela, I'd like to say it was nice meeting you tonight, but you've sort of turned my world upside-down. I'll have to make some big changes tomorrow.
PAM:Yeah, I guess you'll have to think hard about your job as a food critic.
JACK: Oh, yeah, there's that, but also I may have to step down as chair of the Vegetarian Society...
I realise that I'm past the entry time. I had half a sketch written about a man who falls down a waste disposal gully and gets possessed by the ghost of the wasted food but I didn't have time to finish it. Here is a sketch that I wrote a couple of months ago. I can't remember if I entered it into a skit comp already. If I did, then feel free to disqualify me on those grounds too. Anyway, here we go:
EXT. DAY. VIEW OF EXTERNAL OF TENT. V.O
It's the eight week in the tent and
only five bakers remain. Welcome to
the Great Renaissance Bake Off.
PAN OUT TO SHOW THAT THE TENT IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST.
V.O. (cont'd)
This week, judge Roy Keane has
dragged the contestants to a remote
forest fifty miles outside Florence
and is just about to judge the
first round.
ROY:
First up we'll have Catherine De
Medici.
CATHERINE APPROACHES THE TABLE WITH HER BAKE.
ROY: (SMILING)
How did it go Cat?
CATHERINE:
Okay I think Roy.
ROY TASTES THE BAKE. CHEWS AND LOOKS AT CATHERINE MORE
STERNLY.
ROY:
You were wondering about getting
into the race for top four but
turning out a performance like
that, you're in no race.
BEAT.
CATHERINE:
I don't think it's that bad.
ROY:
Not that bad? You might be mother
to a few kings but I wouldn't feed
that to a dog.
ROY: (cont'd)
Next up we'll have Michelangelo.
How did you get on Mike?
MICHELANGELO:
I'm very happy with it actually
Roy.
ROY TASTES AND HIS FACE CONTORTS.
ROY:
You're on about painting the
Sistine Chapel and you can't even
bake a strudel.
MICHELANGELO:
But I did bake a strudel.
ROY:
You call that a strudel? Then
you're in even more trouble than I
think you are and I think you're in
massive trouble.
MICHELANGELO TRUDGES BACK TO HIS PLACE DEJECTED.
ROY: (cont'd)
Martin Luther, what have you got?
MARTIN LUTHER PLACES HIS STRUDEL PROUDLY BEFORE ROY.
ROY TASTES.
ROY: (cont'd)
Useless! This tastes like moths!
MARTIN LUTHER:
How am I useless? I'm in the final
five contestants.
ROY:
Alright, let's see who you've
beaten? Shakespeare, Miguel
Cervantes - everyone beats him and
Hieronymus Bosch after he suffered
bread blindness - do me a favour!
ROY STARTS TO RUN LOW ON PATIENCE.
ROY: (cont'd)
Let see yours, Galileo.
GALILEO:
Prithee Roy, you simply must like
it.
ROY TAKES A MOUTHFUL.
ROY:
Prithee shit to be honest, Gal. And
lastly we have Leonardo. Let's have
a taste Leo.
ROY SWALLOWS A SPOONFUL.
ROY: (cont'd)
Worst thing I have experienced
since the black death.
ALL CONTESTANTS LOOK DISAPPOINTED.
ROY: (cont'd)
Rubbish all round with particular
mention to Martin Luther - terrible
altogether and Galileos was even
worse than that. Lets hope you can
redeem yourself in the showstopper.
LEONARDO:
What must we do Roy?
ROY:
Of all people I though you'd have
patience Da Vinci, considering you
spent twelve years painting some
tarts lips. All you have to do is
eat the forest. Forage for food and
bake what you like.
FADE OUT AND IN.
ROY: (cont'd)
You've been foraging for the last
hour, successful forage Catherine?
CATHERINE:
I found some horse chestnuts so I
thought that could form the basis
of my idea.
ROY:
Mike?
MICHELANGELO:
Dandelions. I thought maybe
dandelion salad with grilled steak.
ROY:
Alright, and Martin?
MARTIN LUTHER:
My idea was wild mushrooms but I
think they might be poisonous.
ROY: (ANGRY)
Well de-poison them then Luther!
Jeez! I've foraged for some of the
greats. Elderflower cheesecake,
wood sorrel tartlets, blackberry
shortcakes. But no, the best you
could manage was pissy beds,
conkers and poison.
MARTIN LUTHER:
But Roy, it was really tough.
ROY:
Tough? Tough? Have you got moths in your arms Luther? Cobwebs on your
eyes maybe? I'd like to show you
tough if I wasn't so placid. This
is a disgrace, I'm getting my
carriage out of here.
LEONARDO:
We're fifty miles from anywhere,
what are we supposed to do?
ROY:
I'm sure you'll invent something Da
Vinci or, like I said, eat your way
out. Eat the forest.
ROY HOPS UP ON HIS CARRIAGE WHICH THUNDERS AWAY.
ROY: (cont'd)
Fare thee well! What a load of nonsense.
END.
Can anyone vote for their favourite on these threads, or is the voting part just for the people who've submitted a thing, for some unholy reason?
If I'm eligible to vote, then gappy's one gets mine. All three were good for the most part, but gappy's also had the best and most satisfying ending IMO.
Absolutely anyone can vote (especially when they vote for me).
I found it hard to choose between Michael and Otterfox's sketches, but Mike gets it, because rules.
Yeah, in fact I wish more people WOULD vote, even if they don't enter.
Otterfocker for the insanity.
I likes a plate's brevity. Gappy gets my vote, as it's oven-ready.
Quote: Otterfox @ 13th June 2022, 12:15 AMI realise that I'm past the entry time. I had half a sketch written about a man who falls down a waste disposal gully and gets possessed by the ghost of the wasted food but I didn't have time to finish it. Here is a sketch that I wrote a couple of months ago. I can't remember if I entered it into a skit comp already. If I did, then feel free to disqualify me on those grounds too. Anyway, here we go:
In that case can we do the sport one again as I have at least three sport sketches in my portfolio and missed this competition.
Oh, er, er...Flappy.
It's very hard to call this week. Both good submissions but I'll go with Mr. Monkhouse.
Feel free to enter anytime you like Alfred. It's only been myself, Mike and Gappy for a while now.
Yeah, we used to get more people entering than my mother. It's been a threeway for a while.
Had a threesome once. It was awesome. Would've been better with at least one woman though.
Quote: Alfred J Kipper @ 14th June 2022, 8:06 AMIn that case can we do the sport one again as I have at least three sport sketches in my portfolio and missed this competition.
Yes we can.