F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with your subject for next wank, pleased. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 2
Otterfox, Teddy - 1
Next natterjerk: 100 years (chewed by Gappy)
Leg closed: 30.4.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 11 Gappy
2 7 Otterfox
3 4 Me, Teddy
4 1 Firkin, Thief of Bad Wanks
A TASTE OF HUNDRED
EMPTY RESTAURANT.
OLD COUPLE and LAD.
LAD Cor Grandpops, awesome you invited me to Gramps' birthday bash, in this - er, kickin' venue, the Hundred Club.
OLD LADY Now dear, you know lovvie's very sensitive about his age. Don't say that beastly number again.
OLD MAN Thank you, cutie.
LAD Yeah, a hun - a lot of apologies.
OLD LADY What were you going to say?
LAD Nothing... Um, a honey. You're a honey.
OLD MAN Thank you.
LAD Well, looks like they've given this place a hun - a complete per cent...
OLD LADY Were you going to...?
LAD No. Never in a hun - a considerable number of years...
OLD LADY That's quite enough.
LAD Yeah... Well, they must have a - a great deal of dishes. (peruses menu) I'll have number one - one and a bit...
OLD LADY Really. If I've told you once, I've told you a...
OLD MAN (coughs)
OLD LADY He started it.
OLD MAN Change the subject.
OLD LADY Yes, what are you reading now?
LAD A - A load of years of Solitude.
OLD LADY Er - what're you listening to?
LAD Proclaimers, I'm gonna be - a long way away...
OLD Seen any good films recently?
LAD A shitload of Dalmations.
OLD MAN Where?
LAD Not a bundle of miles from here. It's not a lots-to-one chance you know it. Number one after ninety-nine...
OLD MAN Oh shut up and bring me the cake.
OLD LADY Your favourite. Sprinkled with hundreds and thousands.
GRAMS: MUSIC IN THE STYLE OF COLE PORTER
SINGER: Like the comforting purr of a motor car
All of life's great things is what you are
You're the best,
The sweet voice of Ethel Merman
You're the best,
You are killing all the Germans
You're the innate right to rule of the British gentry
You're all the things we love here in the 1920s
And which we infer
Will still be de rigueur
In just another century
You're the best,
You're the wits of the Algonquin
You're the best,
You are unprotected bonking
You're the best,
You are eugenics in ascendance
You're the best,
You're hating Irish independence
You are giving children knives so they can kill things
You are smoking in all municipal buildings
You are making silent movies full of funny slapstick pratfalls
You are making most girls stay at home, but giving others catcalls
You're the best,
You are disposable plastics
You're the best
You are laughing at spastics
You are the sexy gaze of Mr Rudolph Valentino
You're getting your boots polished by a kowtowing Latino
You're Teagarden on the wireless and the League of Nations
You're RKO, and KKK, and martial law for Haitians
You are ostentatious jewels
You are burning fossil fuels
You are silk art deco raiment
You are blackface entertainment
You're that dashing hot new novel called Beau Geste
You are everything that's the best -
And no jest!
Oh dear, only two entrants 
Still, although I am obliged to vote for Michael, I really liked the sketch, so it would have taken some beating *applause*
Well...
My mother's birthday cake was appropriate. It had hundreds and thousands on top too.
So like my juice after a Spice Girls video, it's ended in a tie. Does anyone want to cast a scrote?
That's the level of enthusiasm I normally work up. Results coming...