Beef up comedy in 'comedy' song

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Tremulous Tetra

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 4:07pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 13 posts

I wonder if any of you could offer alternatives to what I have making the song funnier?

Can't Take my Eye off You

A man walked into a restaurant, looking for a meal
Sees a woman, So refined and genteel
So beautiful was she, he thought he would die
And at that moment she sneezed, An across the room flew her eye

The man caught the eye, With the skill of Dr Grace
Gave it subtly to the woman , Who put it back in her face
She said would you join me, At hosting I'm good
He said my fair lady , I most certainly would
She said would you join me, At hosting I'm good
He said my fair lady , I most certainly would

She chose the best wine, And she chose the best dish
A French sauvignon, And a Portuguese swordfish
Her best two assets, Were there on display
For breasts like that, He'd often had to pay

Conversation flowed, Like the best champagne
He wished the night would never end, He wanted to remain
She said Will you join me, At dancing I'm good
He said my fair Lady, I most certainly would
He said my fair Lady, I most certainly would
2 They got to the nightclub, It was the best he'd ever seen
The fittings were plush, And even the toilets were clean
The music was great, The dancing was divine
He even enjoyed, The Hokey Cokey line

He felt like the Fred Astaire, With his top hat and cane
He wished the night would never end, He wanted to remain
She said Will you join me, At loving I'm good
He said my fair Lady, I most certainly would
She said Will you join me, At loving I'm good
He said my fair Lady, I most certainly would

3
Even in the bedroom , She really blew his mind
She showed him pleasure spots, He'd never thought he'd find
She delivered every dream, And fulfilled every fantasy
Even her barking, Filled him with ecstasy
And when they'd finished, He wanted to start again
He wished the night would never end, He wanted to remain

(breaking music, this bit sang soulfully)
He woke up in the morning
The drink had took its toll
His head felt like it was filled with rocks
When he began to roll
Onto his back with one eye open
And what did he see
No horror in the morning
Just a vision there for he

She said Will you join me, At cooking I'm good
He said my fair Lady, I most certainly would
She said Will you join me, At cooking I'm good
He said my fair Lady, I most certainly would

She stood with English breakfast, Ready on a plate
The vision was just wonderful, The smell was just great
She joined him on the bed, And they ate most heartily
How wonderful he thought, On this morn alive to be

(breaking music, this bit sang soulfully)
He turned to her with wonder
And then he said
Have I gone to heaven
Am I really dead
Out of all the men in the world
Why have you chose I
She said I don't know

YOU JUST CAUGHT MY EYE

Any advice appreciated, Tremulous Tetra. :-)

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 5:07pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,218 posts

It could be good, it just needs a bit of polish.

So, for the opening verse, I'd suggest:

He walked into a restaurant, keen to have a meal.
A woman raised her head. She was refined: she was genteel.
So beautiful was she that he imagined he might die
but then "A-choo!" Towards him flew an artificial eye.

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Joe Oakes

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 8:02pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: Tremulous Tetra @ 12th October 2019, 4:07 PM

She delivered every dream, And fulfilled every fantasy
Even her barking, Filled him with ecstasy

This jumped out for not rhyming. I'd switch it to something like...

She delivered every dream, And fulfilled every fantasy
Even her barking, Didn't make him panicky
For a good f**k, He'd tolerate insanity
Better not get her pregnant, In case it runs in the family

OK, not precisely the tone you're aiming for, but definitely don't try to rhyme fantasy & ecstasy.

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 8:31pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,218 posts
Quote: Tremulous Tetra @ 12th October 2019, 4:07 PM

She delivered every dream, And fulfilled every fantasy
Even her barking, Filled him with ecstasy

I read that and I thought, "He means baking."

And then I had another think and decided I might have led a sheltered life. :$

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Tremulous Tetra

  • Thursday 24th October 2019, 6:41pm
  • England
  • 13 posts

Sorry folks, I have been reading these replies, but not really what I was looking for. I wanted to beef up the humour, rather than the rhyming.

I'm going to have another go at it, and see if I can get better laughs per line. I will bring it back and see what you think.

PS. I've already done this with a vocal and backing music, and I managed to rhyme fantasy and ecstasy, because they both ending see and have 3 syllables each.

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Definitely Tarby

  • Thursday 24th October 2019, 9:27pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 1,879 posts

It's difficult to understand the delivery of it because you mention it's a song and has vocals and backing music but it reads more like a rhyme in a spoken word tempo. It can be difficult for people to help add to the humour because only you know what will enhance the funny parts.

My advice is to read it over and over again and examine every line for words that can be stripped out. By that I don't mean shorter is better but readers soon pick up on needless words and it can put them off. When I work on creative writing such as song lyrics, rhymes and poems I will view it as a long, drawn out process of assessement and evaluation. Read it back a lot both in your head and verbally to make sure it flows. You should also record yourself saying it and play it back while lying down with your eyes closed. Doing this will help you refine it but it takes time.

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Tremulous Tetra

  • Friday 25th October 2019, 12:26pm
  • England
  • 13 posts

Thanks, I will have a go at that.

Any advice appreciated, Tremulous Tetra. :-)

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beaky

  • Friday 25th October 2019, 2:52pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,659 posts

Are you a fish-lover, TT?

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Tremulous Tetra

  • Tuesday 26th November 2019, 8:59pm
  • England
  • 13 posts

No, my cock just smells fishy.

PS. To be honest I will eat anything.

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Joe Oakes

  • Wednesday 27th November 2019, 10:28pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: Tremulous Tetra @ 24th October 2019, 6:41 PM

PS. I've already done this with a vocal and backing music, and I managed to rhyme fantasy and ecstasy, because they both ending see and have 3 syllables each.

It doesn't rhyme. 'See' & 'see' are the same sound, and neither of the preceding syllables rhyme to hide it. You don't have any punchlines that end with 'manatee' by any chance?

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Lazzard

  • Thursday 28th November 2019, 11:35am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,523 posts
Quote: Joe Oakes @ 27th November 2019, 10:28 PM

It doesn't rhyme.

It rhyme's a f**k of a lot better than 'fantasy' and 'panicky', that's for sure.

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Joe Oakes

  • Thursday 28th November 2019, 1:02pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: Lazzard @ 28th November 2019, 11:35 AM

It rhyme's a f**k of a lot better than 'fantasy' and 'panicky', that's for sure.

'See' & 'see' doesn't rhyme, 'see' & 'key' does.

Never thought arguing on the internet about the definition of the word rhyme would be the hill I died on, but it's about time I made a stand for something.

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Lazzard

  • Thursday 28th November 2019, 6:19pm [Edited]
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,523 posts

Bark & Park?

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playfull

  • Thursday 28th November 2019, 9:31pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,618 posts

Swap

The man caught the eye, With the skill of Dr Grace
Gave it subtly to the woman , Who put it back in her face

For

The man caught the eye, though it flew like a rocket
Saying"I think this is yours" he pushed it back in her socket

Is that any good?