British Comedy Guide

Loveline - Sitcom Episode (30 pages) - Feedback appreciated

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stevyweevy

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 1:55am [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 11 posts

Hi there,
I actually posted this a couple of years ago and then got too busy, Iv'e now cleaned this episode up and am back and determined to get it out there.

This is one of a 6 episode season for this sitom Iv'e created called "Changes" which is basically a slightly sureal inter-generational comedy. Iv'e gone a funny way about develeloping it and am actually writing the pilot now, which I'll hopefully post in a month.

The logline is:

John, forlorn and 40-something, has recently divorced and moved into an inner city block of 4, escaping the shackles of suburbia and befriending his 20 and 30 year old neighbors (Max and Kate). Youthful folly and the wisdom of age combine (well crash really) as our offbeat inter-generational trio navigate the curiosities of modern life.

Link is here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/59kktkz2jy3nwsy/Ep_4_Loveline_Final_18.09.19.pdf?dl=0/

Any constructive criticism most welcome, the cold-opening is a bit long but I hoping to go down the path of The Big Bang Theory which has looong cold openings as I like the way it sucks you in.

Thanks in advance!

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beaky

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 11:28am [Edited]
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,703 posts

Steve,
I glanced at the beginning before other things cropped up, and here are a couple of pieces of advice.
Lose the cold opening, it's boring and puts people off. You have to grab the reader's attention immediately.
You don't need a list of characters and their traits; who they are and how they think should emerge from the script. You can add a brief character note in brackets when the character is first introduced. For example: Beaky(good-looking and sexy despite his age) enters the room.
From the little I've read, it seems heavy on banter and light on plot - the most common beginner's mistake.

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stevyweevy

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 11:43pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 11 posts

Thanks Beaky, I'll take that onboard, particularly the character descriptions, if you get a chance to read more let me know.