WHO: Welcome to the planet Clone-os! (SWEEPS ARM MAJESTICALLY).
TOM: It's Chigwell.
WHO: I promised you the wonders of the universe my young companions. Behold the planet Clone-os! Over countless millennia this living planet has developed the unique ability to read your mind and then morph its very fabric into an exact copy of your home world. (WHO SWEEPS ARM TWICE MORE FOR EFFECT)
TANYA: It certainly looks like Chigwell...
TOM: That's because it is Chigwell. And it's not unique is it?
TOM: You said Clone-os has "A unique ability to morph it's fabric"?
TOM: Well what about the last planet Duplicato? Or the planet Mimicos?
TANYA: Now be fair...Mimicos was uncannily similar to Chigwell.
TOM: That's because it was Chigwell...
WHO: Or was it...?
TOM: Yes, it was.
WHO: Or was it?
TOM: Yes, yes it was.
WHO: Or was...
TOM: Stop it! Look it's obvious what's happening, every time we step out of the Tardis you tell us that we are on a planet which has just miraculously transformed itself into an exact copy of Chigwell.
TANYA: And why doesn't your Tardis look like a Tardis.
WHO: It does. This is what a Tardis looks like..in Chigwell.
TOM: Like a tatty portaloo? Your Tardis Looks like a tatty...
TANYA: 'Really Tatty'.
TOM: 'Really Tatty' porterloo.
WHO: On the outside.
TOM: And on the inside! Cos it is a Portaloo!
TANYA: More Tard piss than Tardiss. And innit sposed to be bigger on the inside?
WHO: It is...slightly...it measured 7mm wider inside, remember ? I measured it with my sonic tape measure.
TOM: It's not a sonic tape measure, it's just a tape measure. And the reason it measured 7mm more inside is because you angled the tape.
WHO: Look, the Tardis has been getting used to its new appearance, it was stuck looking like a police box for over 50 years, and I think it has been leaking temporal fluid.
TANYA: More like leaking piss.
WHO: I'll get my sonic spanner on that when we get back to Chigwell.
TOM: Screwdriver! It's sonic screwdriver! You're not really him are you?
TANYA: I bloody knew it, telling us that pulling the chain sent us across the solar system... and I bet it wasn't the Daleks who stolen all the toilet paper...
WHO: No, I am not 'Him', Who is not a him. After being a him, a bi curious him, a Timmy Mallet, a couple of lovies and finally a her I have now regenerated into a pan sexual, multi trans gender bender with constantly morphing genitals.
TANYA: Well that explains the Alan Carr voice...
TOM: And the high heels...
WHO: I think I had better get you both back to Chigwell.
TOM: No, we're fine here.
WHO: Don't be silly, you can't stay here, it could be dangerous.
TOM: We are ok mate, we will just do a bit of exploring.
TANYA: Then just walk home...
WHO: Well if you are sure, I do need to get to the planet Screwfix before it closes to get a new sonic ball cock.
TOM: You pop off then mate, we will be ok.
WHO: (STEPPING INTO THE PORTALOO) Ok then, just be aware that it might be the Tardis' leaking temporal fluid that has caused each planet to morph into Chigwell...
WHO DISAPEARS INTO THE PORTALOO, WE HEAR A TOILET FLUSH. TOM AND TANYA SMILE AT EACH OTHER...THEN WE HEAR THE FAMILIAR TARDIS NOISE
TANYA: It couldn't be could it?
THE PORTALOO FADES DISAPEARS AS THE CHIGWELL AROUND THEM BLURS SWIRLS AND SLOWLY TRANSFORMS.
TANYA: It's changing, changing into...?
TOM: Good god no! It's...Croydon!