British Comedy Guide

uhv h/h vcrqeb 25.3 - 4.4.19


Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 26th April 2019, 11:43am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,561 posts

Warmish beans so c**tgratulations to PLAYFULL for beating the greatest comic talent in Rome called Michael Monkhouse who likes the Spice Girls and swears a lot. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Playfull

Your next topic is THE VOICE.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 4.5.19.

Scorebored is now:
Position- Points - name
1 - 30 - Gappy
2 - 20 - Playfull, me
3 - 5 - Patrick


Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 26th April 2019, 2:16pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,561 posts


TOM in pub; enter DICK in excitement...

DICK Tom! I got this great new hobby: it's awesome, it's stunning, it's fantabulistic, it's really nice.

TOM (yawns) What is it this time?

DICK Vocal impersonations!

TOM Oh God...

DICK Not yet... So who's this? 'Yerse, erm, thank you... Er, yes, thank you Wilkins... When, or rather if, I require your comments I shall doubtless ASK for them. In the meantime, will you kindly belt up?' Well?

TOM No idea.

DICK It's Mr Ross, my old physics teacher.

TOM Don't know him.

DICK No, but if you did... And who's this? 'Oh do shut up you kwetinous kweature, weally! Weguwawy do I wonder why I waste my pwecious Fwidays this way, you unwuly, wapscallious, widicuwous wan...'

TOM (coughs) Um - Stephen Hawking?

DICK Who?... Janice Stokes, my first girlfriend.

TOM I don't think you get it. The idea behind an impersonation is you take someone famous - successful - wecognisawle - like, Kenneth Williams.

DICK Oh no, boring! I'm trying to be original here. Ooooh, matron: everyone did Kenneth Williams.

TOM You found out? I mean, that's because everyone knows Kenneth Williams.

DICK He's dead, isn't he?

TOM Look, is there really no famous voice you can do?

DICK Up to a point - no.

TOM You only do total, utter, complete unknowns?

DICK Yeah: relatives, acquaintances, 'Big Brother' winners...

TOM It'll never work.

DICK There is one famous voice I can do. I've been practising.

TOM Brilliant! Who?

DICK Marcel Marceau.

TOM Oh sod off.

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  • Sunday 28th April 2019, 4:26pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,918 posts


(Not my entry)


Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 29th April 2019, 11:53am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,561 posts

You're Wright... Can't change the title though.

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  • Monday 29th April 2019, 3:20pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,918 posts

I thought it looked rong.

You have a title?!

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  • Saturday 4th May 2019, 4:29pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,918 posts

WHO: Welcome to the planet Clone-os! (SWEEPS ARM MAJESTICALLY).

TOM: It's Chigwell.

WHO: I promised you the wonders of the universe my young companions. Behold the planet Clone-os! Over countless millennia this living planet has developed the unique ability to read your mind and then morph its very fabric into an exact copy of your home world. (WHO SWEEPS ARM TWICE MORE FOR EFFECT)

TANYA: It certainly looks like Chigwell...

TOM: That's because it is Chigwell. And it's not unique is it?

WHO: Sorry?

TOM: You said Clone-os has "A unique ability to morph it's fabric"?

WHO: Yes?

TOM: Well what about the last planet Duplicato? Or the planet Mimicos?

TANYA: Now be fair...Mimicos was uncannily similar to Chigwell.

TOM: That's because it was Chigwell...

WHO: Or was it...?

TOM: Yes, it was.

WHO: Or was it?

TOM: Yes, yes it was.

WHO: Or was...

TOM: Stop it! Look it's obvious what's happening, every time we step out of the Tardis you tell us that we are on a planet which has just miraculously transformed itself into an exact copy of Chigwell.

WHO: And?

TANYA: And why doesn't your Tardis look like a Tardis.

WHO: It does. This is what a Tardis looks Chigwell.

TOM: Like a tatty portaloo? Your Tardis Looks like a tatty...

TANYA: 'Really Tatty'.

TOM: 'Really Tatty' porterloo.

WHO: On the outside.

TOM: And on the inside! Cos it is a Portaloo!

TANYA: More Tard piss than Tardiss. And innit sposed to be bigger on the inside?

WHO: It measured 7mm wider inside, remember ? I measured it with my sonic tape measure.

TOM: It's not a sonic tape measure, it's just a tape measure. And the reason it measured 7mm more inside is because you angled the tape.

WHO: Look, the Tardis has been getting used to its new appearance, it was stuck looking like a police box for over 50 years, and I think it has been leaking temporal fluid.

TANYA: More like leaking piss.

WHO: I'll get my sonic spanner on that when we get back to Chigwell.

TOM: Screwdriver! It's sonic screwdriver! You're not really him are you?

WHO: No...

TANYA: I bloody knew it, telling us that pulling the chain sent us across the solar system... and I bet it wasn't the Daleks who stolen all the toilet paper...

WHO: No, I am not 'Him', Who is not a him. After being a him, a bi curious him, a Timmy Mallet, a couple of lovies and finally a her I have now regenerated into a pan sexual, multi trans gender bender with constantly morphing genitals.

TANYA: Well that explains the Alan Carr voice...

TOM: And the high heels...

WHO: I think I had better get you both back to Chigwell.

TOM: No, we're fine here.

WHO: Don't be silly, you can't stay here, it could be dangerous.

TOM: We are ok mate, we will just do a bit of exploring.

TANYA: Then just walk home...

WHO: Well if you are sure, I do need to get to the planet Screwfix before it closes to get a new sonic ball cock.

TOM: You pop off then mate, we will be ok.

WHO: (STEPPING INTO THE PORTALOO) Ok then, just be aware that it might be the Tardis' leaking temporal fluid that has caused each planet to morph into Chigwell...


TANYA: It couldn't be could it?

TOM: Noooooooooo...


TANYA: It's changing, changing into...?

TOM: Good god no! It's...Croydon!

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  • Monday 6th May 2019, 12:21pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,918 posts

I would say I'll toss you for it...