British Comedy Guide

mouse 16 - 24.2.19

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 16th February 2019, 11:30am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,423 posts

Cule jumping beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and ME for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. I will PM myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me

Your next topic is THE SKY (suggested by GAPPY).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 24.2.19.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 65 - Gappy
2 - 50 - me
3 - 25 - Patrick

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 16th February 2019, 4:24pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,423 posts

AIR RAISIN'

Travel Agent's.
Customer, Travel Agent.

CUSTOMER Hi, I'd like to book that five-quid flight to Paris please.

TRAVEL AGENT Certainly Sir, that's twenty quid.

CUSTOMER I'm sorry?

TRAVEL AGENT Don't apologise Sir: five-pound ticket, five-pound aeroplane tax, five-pound airplane tax, five-pound miscellaneous.

CUSTOMER Um... Fine...

TRAVEL AGENT Yerse, there's another twenty-pound fine as you failed to book on-line via Bacefook, Twatter and Instamams, thus causing surheads and overcharges for company staff, time and electricity.

CUSTOMER But...

TRAVEL AGENT Butt? Bottom? Willy? Don't be coarse Sir, there's a fifty-pound sanction. We do have a swear box, but also accept American Express, luncheon tokens and Blue Peter badges. (whispers) There are adults present.

CUSTOMER Adults? Children.

TRAVEL AGENT Adults, children, all the same to you, eh? Who are you, Jimmy Savile? Do not fear Sir: a further hundred pounds and I shall keep shtum.

CUSTOMER Right. that's 195 pounds.

TRAVEL AGENT Fear ye not Sir, I shall round it up to 217 pounds, 31 and a halp p.

CUSTOMER Finished?

TRAVEL AGENT No, British.

CUSTOMER (makes out cheque) Thanks a lot.

TRAVEL AGENT (looks at it) Sir! This is 217 pounds, 31 and a half p.

CUSTOMER So?

TRAVEL AGENT The large print disclearly states that as per Regulation and Rule 45 and a quarter of the United Multilateral National Decree, all monies thus further deposited pursuant to but in disaccordance from the aforementioned firm, filial or ferret between weekend days are subjectful to a concurrent levied importation feed freed duty of eighteen thousand, thirty two zillion, one purloin of a pony, two millionths of a monkey, several stoats and...

CUSTOMER Right, I'm leaving. (leaves)

BOSS gets up from under desk, shakes Travel Agent's hand.

BOSS Well done, and welcome to RyanAir.

Avatar

gappy

  • Sunday 17th February 2019, 5:47pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,008 posts

1: Look at that one. If you squint a bit, it looks just like an anteater.

2: Oh, yeah. And that one looks sort of like a hoover.

1: Where?

2: Go left from the anteater.

1: That looks more like plate of biscuits.

2: No, no, below the biscuits.

1: I still can't see a hoover.

2: It's on its side.

1: Oh, yeah!! It really does look like a hoover. And right next to that, see the one that looks like Nigel Havers.

2: Yes. And, oh look, over there, there's one that looks like Nigel Havers, but older.

1: So there is. And, if you go sort of down and in, there's Nigel Havers in A Horseman Riding By.

2: I can see the little epaulettes.

1: Oh, and there's one like a big fanny.

2: Yep. But anyway, doctor, what does the X-ray actually mean?

1: Oh, it's loads of cancer. I give you a fortnight.

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 25th February 2019, 11:47am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,423 posts

What's the difference between McCartney and the response to this c**test? McCartney might be Stella.

Avatar

gappy

  • Monday 25th February 2019, 6:47pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,008 posts

1-1 draw again, old bean?

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 26th February 2019, 11:07am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,423 posts

Will Rowan Atkinson keep developing, or is he just a has-Bean?
I'll give it a couple of days and see if anyone else can be arsed.

Avatar

Otterfox

  • Wednesday 27th February 2019, 12:45am
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,026 posts

NEWSCASTER:
Good evening. The remote town of Ballintown has gained celebrity status over the last few days after a raft of UFO activity has been reported. We go live now to our field reporter Steve Pups who has a chief witness with him. Steve?

STEVE:
Thanks Ken. With me I have Jeff Clackers who claims to have seen the mysterious crafts on almost two occasions. Jeff, can you tell us what you saw?

JEFF:
Sure will. There were no lights. It was silent flying saucers that would hoover.

STEVE:
Don't you mean hover?

JEFF:
Yes. They did both.

STEVE:
What did you see then?

JEFF:
I saw you coming up the driveway, then all the cameras came out, then I saw a you type person that I'm pretty sure was you.

STEVE:
No, what did you see in relation to the craft?

JEFF:
It didn't have any relations. There was only one of them. I was out in my barn when I saw a big ball of light...after I flicked on the light switch. All of a sudden I heard nothing coming from the sky so I turned around to have a look. I tilted my head upwards, my eyes soon followed and that's when I saw it; a plate in the shape of a saucer. I mean I couldn't believe it. Up in the air...I jumped to get a slightly better look and I never came back down.

STEVE:
You were hovering?

JEFF:
No I was in my barn. I have never hoovered my barn. Why would I hoover the barn? I was floating. You see I was walking but the ground was not meeting my feet. It was got to do with them saucers.

STEVE:
What happened then?

JEFF:
Then my mind went blank.

STEVE:
Some would say your mind was blank long before then....sorry, so your mind went blank?

JEFF:
Yes sir. Then I woke up and all you lot were standing around me.

STEVE:
But you never passed out. You were standing in your front lawn when we pulled up.

JEFF:
Which event are you talking about again? I mean I'm forty seven years old, literally tens of things have happened to me in my life.

STEVE:
I'm talking about the UFO's which you claim to have seen less than thirty minutes ago.

JEFF:
You must have the wrong house. I have never seen a UFO. I was minding my own business, floating around my farm when you lot showed up. Don't get me wrong, I have seen some stuff: trees, biscuits, oranges, I once saw a cat bite a man's tooth but I have never ever seen any of those UFO's.

STEVE:
Well this is looking like a costly interview wasted. Back to you in the studio.

NEWSCASTER:
And I'm afraid that's all the news we have time for this-

JEFF (ON AUDIO FEED):
The only thing I did see was them flying saucers.

END.

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 11:01am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,423 posts

Thanks to Otterfox for taking this beyond a tit-à-tit.
Voting open again till 6.3.19.
Gappy for me.

Avatar

gappy

  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 11:09am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,008 posts

I can honestly not decide between Micheal and Otterfox. Nothing in it at all. I shall therefore vote for Michael, just for getting his in within the original timeframe. I know, it's arbitrary, but "rules control the fun", and otherwise I'd just be tossing a coin.