British Comedy Guide

n 9 - 17.1.19


Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 9th January 2019, 11:40am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PATRICK, GAPPY and ME for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. I will PM myself. I won't really. It's a joke. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me, Patrick

Your next topic is FUN.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 17.1.19.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Gappy, me
2 - 10 - Patrick



  • Monday 14th January 2019, 12:04pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

TIM: Come in, you must be my ten o'clock.

JORGE: I think so.

TIM: Excellent. Well, I'm Tim, and if my secretary's got this right, your name is, Jorge Luis Borges - am I pronouncing that correctly?

JORGE: To the best of any of our knowledge, yes.

TIM: Lovely. So, I understand you have some ideas to share. I must admit, I did wonder whether pitching TV shows would be something of a comedown for one of the instigators of post-modernist fiction, and the godfather of non-linear narrative.

JORGE: Well, I've been dead for over 30 years, so it's actually quite hard to find work.

TIM: Great, literature's loss is Carlton TV's gain. Hit me.

JORGE: So, I wondered about a new series of Midsomer Murders.

TIM: Oh, I think that one's played out. Honestly, there's nobody left in the whole village to do a murder. You can't have a whodunit when every single villager is in either prison or the mortuary.

JORGE: Ah, but I have a new twist: the author dunnit.

TIM: No, no, both the local playwright and journalist have already done at least one murder each.

JORGE: I mean, the author of the script. In my version, John Nettles slowly discovers he is a character in a sub-standard piece of conservative detective fiction, and tracks down the author, ie me, to ask about it. I come on and apologise, we do a quick Argentinian rhumba, and roll credits.

TIM: Thanks for that, Jorge. Leaving aside the fact that I abhor that idea with every fragment of my being, what would happen in the other 5 episodes?

JORGE: Nettles and I would retell the myth of Sisyphus to each other, whilst playing chess backwards.

TIM: OK, I'm going to pass. Not least because I know John Nettles is an existentialist proto-Beat fiction fan.

JORGE: Damn him! OK, so my other idea is, bring back Treasure Hunt. And, every week, Anneka Rice can discover she is searching for herself...or maybe that she's Annabel Croft. In a mirror.

TIM: Hmm, nope.

JORGE: Alright, how about this. We bring back documentary series 7-Up.

TIM: Can I just say, your cultural references are quite out of date.

JORGE: I did die in 1986.

TIM: Fair enough.

JORGE: And so, right, every 7 years we catch up on some characters, and then, in the 5th episode they give birth. To themselves. That would be fun.

TIM: That would not be fun.

JORGE: It would! Do you even know what fun is? Whihc one of us has won a Nobel prize?

TIM: Neither, so far as I know.

JORGE: I shoulda!

TIM: Last chance.

JORGE: Fine. So, here's fun: we bring back Lennie Bennett's Lucky Ladders, but, here's the thing, although it doesn't look like it, the answer to every question is actually Venice.

TIM: That one's not you, it's Italo Calvino!

JORGE: see...[CALLIONG] Richard!

SKETCHWRITER: What's wrong?

JORGE: This sketch you're writing doesn't work.

SKETCHWRITER: I think it's a strong concept.

JORGE: Oh, yeah, it might well be a concept, but the words are galloping shite. Anyway, how many people are going to be aware of both my influential ontologically recursive fiction, and Lennie Bennett's Lucky Ladders? You always do this. It's crap.

SKETCHWRITER: Yeah...OK...but, this bit's clever, right?

JORGE: Pah, I did it better.

SKETCHWRITER: In my defence, it is the third time I've had to write a sketch on the theme of Fun for this competition.

JORGE: Which competition!? The Nobel prize?

SKETCHWRITER: No, on a website.

JORGE: I don;t know what that means. How could I, I died long before messageboards became popular, and then, as they are now, entirely obsolete. Just click Post below this line, and we'll all go back to not existing.

SKETCHWRITER: Fair enough, you are quite good at this.

JORGE: Hey your words, not mine.


Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 14th January 2019, 12:19pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Latest stand-up so apologies for any repeats...
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a Latin lover. I prefer Greek.
Gonna start with the obligatory Spice Girls joke. Even I'm f**ked off with this now, but I have a reputation to safeguard. What's the difference between the Spice Girls and my mother's legs? The Spice Girls might get back together. Last time I said that, it was embarrassing cos my dad was in the audience. But he was fine. He said, I know you're just mucking about, but don't ridicule the Spice Girls. Religion's a tough one.
I said to Donald and Melania Trump, Can you write an original slogan? They said, Yes we can... Everyone says Melania's the new Jackie Kennedy. Go on Don, buy yourself a nice blue convertible... Berlusconi says, All I want now is a bed, something to eat and regular sex. So why's he so desperate to stay out of prison?
Porn actress complains bitterly, 'Ten years in the industry and all I got was tired.' No money then, DUH! No disrespect, but what did you hope to gain from the experience? Path to spiritual enlightenment - artistic integrity - heartwarming tales of human dignity and bunnies? 'Yerse, one demands so much more from the role of Belinda Bigjuggs in Dick Staines' production of Spunk-Munching Whores From Hell. You men are all the same... Watership Down, what a pile of shit. Three hours and not one sex scene? They're rabbits... New film about Michael Jackson's alleged sex offences. Whenever you bring it up, people say, Maybe it's true, but he was a great dancer. Like that makes it OK. He only learnt to Moonwalk to confuse little kids. 'What direction's he tryna f**k me from now?' I'm the opposite, I'll f**k anything that's OVER 16... My car had a Baby on Board sticker, so they guy behind slowed down. Except Michael Jackson, he'd speed up.
What's the difference between your thumb and your cock? You grow out of trying to suck your thumb... How does a matador take his coffee? Au lait... I met Cameron Diaz once. It was intimidating, face to face with this gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, award-winning, internationally recognised and adored superstar - but after the initial nerves, she calmed down. I'm just like everyone else, really.
So I'm finishing with my English joke. If you don't speak English - cos I know there are some Americans in the audience - anyway: What's another word for rent or loan? - Hire? - (falsetto) What's another word for rent or loan?
I'm f**king off now. You've been really mediocre.


Patrick Robinson

  • Tuesday 15th January 2019, 11:46pm [Edited]
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Fun chats with my good lady wife:


Me: Have you seen the movie "Groundhog Day"?

wife: YES! Why do you keep asking me that question?


Wife: Oh great, I'll get a free head massage included in my facial.

Me: That sounds like a very inaccurate facial.


Me: Hi love. I'm back from the shops. Sandra at the checkout said if you're making a family friendly movie, write a happy story, use cute characters and don't use any swearing.

Wife: What are you on about?

Me: You asked me to go to Asda and get some PG Tips.


Wife: Baby, you're a firework.

Husband: Arr, thanks love. Is that because I'm vibrant, exciting, spectacular?

Wife: Nope: you're really annoying in October.



  • Friday 18th January 2019, 10:44am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

Patrick, for the PG Tips line.


Patrick Robinson

  • Saturday 19th January 2019, 9:19pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Gappy for me: "Your words not mine." Lovely.