British Comedy Guide

Inki and the Minah Bird Countess 5 - 13.12.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 5th December 2017, 1:41pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PLAYFULL for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 -10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next topic is LIVE.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 13.12.17.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 -10 - Playfull
2 - 5 - Gappy

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Otterfox

  • Wednesday 6th December 2017, 2:43pm [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

Thank a Hound.

A man (Jerome) stands on stage in a local town hall.

JEROME:
Welcome to this years live Giving Thanks at Christmas event. Every year we like to come together and thank a valuable member of our society for their contribution throughout the year. So, without any ado the winner of this years award goes to....dogs.
Now dogs can't talk so we have Alan Kraplin from the Dogs at Christmas and Rhyming Association to accept the award and to say a few words, as he's not a dog.

ALAN:
I'll say it once and to stress it I've frowned. This festive season please thank a hound. Show a hound the spirit of the season. Just shake his paw, you don't need a reason.

Just a young pup or a dog in retirement We just ask that you do it in a rhyming environment.
A hound from a pound, a hound that's round, one that you found and of course a hound that's sound - I especially love those lads....um...stationary or nomads.

People can run out of rhymes for a hound but luckily some other words can be found. A dog in the bog, a pooch drinking hooch or a thoughtful canine with a receding hairline.

I'd encourage everyone to approach a hound be he rabid or be he sound and if your arm he was to chew at least he'd have a warm meal or two.

So this Christmas please take the time to thank a dog through the veil of a rhyme.

Every colour with no exception,
Every hound gets a warm reception

Black or white and even orange
They all deserve a festive.....ah porringe.

JEROME:
What's porringe?

ALAN:
No, I mean torringe?

JEROME:
What's that?

ALAN:
It's a, it's a kind of a young....floringe then.

JEROME:
Not a word.

ALAN:
Ah clorin-, grortange...flortororange. Ah forget it!!! Forget the whole bloody thing!!!

HE STORMS OFF IN A HUFF.

END.

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gappy

  • Saturday 9th December 2017, 3:37pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

[PRESENTER is walking up a suburban garden path, talking to the camera]

PRESENTER: Well, it's been two weeks since we spoke to Mrs Bardell about submitting her beloved homemade cakes to the caterers for the mayor's garden party, and I have a letter here with the results of this little experiment. Shall we drop in and see her?

[PRESENTER rings bell. Cut to interior shot of MRS BARDELL coming from adjacent living room doorway and opening the front door]

PRESENTER: Hello, Mrs Bardell!

BARDELL: Oh, Simon! Well I never, what a surprise.

PRESETER: Well, I have another surprise! I have a little letter here from the mayor's office - shall we take a look?

BARDELL: Ooh, I'm right nervous. Here, it's funny you coming now unexpectedly, because your camera crew dropped in about ten minutes ago. They were just passing by.

[BARDELL turns to the back of the hall, addressing the camera crew]

Weren't you?

[Camera moves up and down, as if nodding. Muted agreement from the crew behind the camera]

PRESENTER: [Embarrassed] Oh. Hi guys. Fancy, erm, meeting you here. So, shall we take a look at the contents of this -

STEVE: [The INT. cameraman. Off] Wait a minute, Simon. Do you...do you have another crew out there?

[Cut to EXT crew viewpoint of PRESENTER, looking flustered]

PRESENTER: [Pause] Pardon?

STEVE: A crew. Do you have another unit out there with you?

PRESENTER: Oh. Yes, just a little one to shoot this bit, I was going to call you but...you know...

[Cut in INT camera]

STEVE: [Off. Sarcastic] Oh, right, just for this scene, Simon?

PRESENTER: Come on, Steve, can we not do this now?

BARDELL: There is another crew out there! Simon, I thought Steve ran your camera crew.

STEVE: [Off] Don't kid yourself, sweetheart. It's what he tells people, but it's been a sham for at least a series.

[ALISON, boom operator for EXT crew, leans into the doorway, looking spitefully and a little victoriously as STEVE]

ALISON: Perhaps Simon found he needed a crew that could deliver, Steven. One that doesn't keep on cutting prematurely, or letting the boom mike droop into frame. [Rest of EXT crew move into shot]

STEVE: [Off] You - you trollop! Barely out of film school, hmm? Oh, I pity you, love, I really do. Let me warn you, darling, his lordship there will toss you away when he finds a newer model. Or he'll just get drunk at the Christmas do and spend an evening with some cheap cameraphone!

PRESENTER: Now, come on, Steve, let's-

ALISON: You bitch! [Evil stare off. Cut from INT camera view, to EXT view of STEVE and his crew, and back again. Nasty pause]

BARDELL: So, what did they say about my union jack cupcakes?

STEVE: Shut up. This was never about you.

[STEVE shoves BARDELL back through her living room doorway]

PRESENTER: Now Steve; Alison: I'm sure we can work this out like rational adults. Why don't we sit round a table, get some things out in the open and-

[Cut off by ALISON screaming and running at the INT camera. The two crews have a fight, shown by cameras zooming up against each other, a flurry of leads, mike booms etc. Cursing and fight sounds from both crews over the top. Soon the cameras draw apart, and we see/hear the crews panting. Cut to EXT camera]

STEVE: Alright. We know when we're not wanted. Come on lads.

[INT crew shuffle up the hall and out of the door. Awkward because of all the kit.]

STEVE: Good luck, Alison. You'll need it!

[INT crew walk a couple of steps. STEVE turns round, emotional, and addresses PRESENTER]

I thought [Breaking down] I thought we'd get through it, Simon. I thought we'd stay together. At least for the sake of the runners.

[EXT camera turns 180 to see two children leaning tearfully from the living room doorway. One has a clipboard and the other a pot of coffee]

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 9th December 2017, 5:56pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

How to deal with a dog barking and keeping you awake (2006 version):
1. Locate the beast, hence its owner.
2. Have a calm, rational discussion.
3. Hopefully the owner will take the dog in immediately, and you may reach a compromise in future: Is there another balcony where the noise does not echo? Are there times when it makes little difference as you are out or there are other noises? Remember you are in your rights to report noise pollution, but it shouldn't be necessary to go this far.
How to deal with a dog barking and keeping you awake (2016 version):
1. Go on Facebook.
2. Write f**king Hell, for f**k's sake this f**king dog keeps f**king barking, it's f**king driving me mental, I mea HELLO? What the f**k is wrong with people. F**kking f**k it uckers
3. Hopefully someone in South America will give you a 'like'.

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gappy

  • Thursday 14th December 2017, 8:20am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Special mention for the foxy otter, but my vote goes to the Mikey Monkey - I saw a FB post like that the very day this was posted.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 14th December 2017, 10:29am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

It's long and hard so I had to toss. Gappy though I loved Otterfox's controlled lunacy.

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Otterfox

  • Thursday 14th December 2017, 12:11pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

It's a tough one. Mikey M. has a perfectly observed piece and Gappy's one conjured up some lovely images of a camera crew fight. Both great but Gappy pips it just for depth and story.

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playfull

  • Friday 15th December 2017, 3:06pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Liked all three, though all very different. Gappy just.

As usual left it till the last minute - I had three lines of a sketch started then fell asleep, waking up at 12.10 Doh!