[PRESENTER is walking up a suburban garden path, talking to the camera]
PRESENTER: Well, it's been two weeks since we spoke to Mrs Bardell about submitting her beloved homemade cakes to the caterers for the mayor's garden party, and I have a letter here with the results of this little experiment. Shall we drop in and see her?
[PRESENTER rings bell. Cut to interior shot of MRS BARDELL coming from adjacent living room doorway and opening the front door]
PRESENTER: Hello, Mrs Bardell!
BARDELL: Oh, Simon! Well I never, what a surprise.
PRESETER: Well, I have another surprise! I have a little letter here from the mayor's office - shall we take a look?
BARDELL: Ooh, I'm right nervous. Here, it's funny you coming now unexpectedly, because your camera crew dropped in about ten minutes ago. They were just passing by.
[BARDELL turns to the back of the hall, addressing the camera crew]
[Camera moves up and down, as if nodding. Muted agreement from the crew behind the camera]
PRESENTER: [Embarrassed] Oh. Hi guys. Fancy, erm, meeting you here. So, shall we take a look at the contents of this -
STEVE: [The INT. cameraman. Off] Wait a minute, Simon. Do you...do you have another crew out there?
[Cut to EXT crew viewpoint of PRESENTER, looking flustered]
PRESENTER: [Pause] Pardon?
STEVE: A crew. Do you have another unit out there with you?
PRESENTER: Oh. Yes, just a little one to shoot this bit, I was going to call you but...you know...
[Cut in INT camera]
STEVE: [Off. Sarcastic] Oh, right, just for this scene, Simon?
PRESENTER: Come on, Steve, can we not do this now?
BARDELL: There is another crew out there! Simon, I thought Steve ran your camera crew.
STEVE: [Off] Don't kid yourself, sweetheart. It's what he tells people, but it's been a sham for at least a series.
[ALISON, boom operator for EXT crew, leans into the doorway, looking spitefully and a little victoriously as STEVE]
ALISON: Perhaps Simon found he needed a crew that could deliver, Steven. One that doesn't keep on cutting prematurely, or letting the boom mike droop into frame. [Rest of EXT crew move into shot]
STEVE: [Off] You - you trollop! Barely out of film school, hmm? Oh, I pity you, love, I really do. Let me warn you, darling, his lordship there will toss you away when he finds a newer model. Or he'll just get drunk at the Christmas do and spend an evening with some cheap cameraphone!
PRESENTER: Now, come on, Steve, let's-
ALISON: You bitch! [Evil stare off. Cut from INT camera view, to EXT view of STEVE and his crew, and back again. Nasty pause]
BARDELL: So, what did they say about my union jack cupcakes?
STEVE: Shut up. This was never about you.
[STEVE shoves BARDELL back through her living room doorway]
PRESENTER: Now Steve; Alison: I'm sure we can work this out like rational adults. Why don't we sit round a table, get some things out in the open and-
[Cut off by ALISON screaming and running at the INT camera. The two crews have a fight, shown by cameras zooming up against each other, a flurry of leads, mike booms etc. Cursing and fight sounds from both crews over the top. Soon the cameras draw apart, and we see/hear the crews panting. Cut to EXT camera]
STEVE: Alright. We know when we're not wanted. Come on lads.
[INT crew shuffle up the hall and out of the door. Awkward because of all the kit.]
STEVE: Good luck, Alison. You'll need it!
[INT crew walk a couple of steps. STEVE turns round, emotional, and addresses PRESENTER]
I thought [Breaking down] I thought we'd get through it, Simon. I thought we'd stay together. At least for the sake of the runners.
[EXT camera turns 180 to see two children leaning tearfully from the living room doorway. One has a clipboard and the other a pot of coffee]