British Comedy Guide

DTT Christmas Special - One Liners wanted!

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StephenM

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 1:23pm
  • London, England
  • 820 posts

Fancy writing some one-liners for the military? I appreciate that's a question you may never have asked yourself before but now's your chance.

For the last few years a group of BCG-ers have put on a Christmas radio comedy show for the military that is broadcast on BFBS radio. It's gone down rather well and we've won two New York Festival radio awards already and trying for the hat-trick this year.

If you're interested then have a read of the brief below and send your one-liners to LiveFromKirrinIsland@gmail.com in a word name with your name, the broadcast name you'd like on the credits (if different) and your e-mail address. The deadline is next Thursday 7th December so please get them in before then.

And yes, here's the bit we all hate but alas there is no money for this project. Because it's for the military everyone is giving their time for free so we're not getting paid, the producers aren't getting paid and the cast aren't getting paid. What I can say is you'll have a chance to get your stuff performed by a stellar cast (including amongst others Lewis MacLeod who'll be known to Newsjackers) and in front of some radio industry bigwigs.

But here's the brief and look forward to reading your funnies.

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You may have heard about Damn The Torpedoes, a sketch show on the British Forces Broadcasting Service radio station that's made by Kirrin Productions (we were also behind the Live From Kirrin Island podcast). BFBS goes out to UK military bases across the world as well as military families in the UK. You can also listen to it on DAB, Sky and Freesat.

On 12 December, we're recording the next episode of Damn The Torpedoes, to go out on BFBS on Christmas Day afternoon. It's in front of a 200+ live audience at RADA Studios (formerly known as the Drill Hall) on 12 December, so we need as many great gags as possible. We have two one-liner sections and would love some contributions from you!

It's a tight deadline - we'd need them by next Thursday (7th Dec). Unfortunately, there's no money involved, as every penny of our budget is going on the venue and the tech you need for a broadcast-quality recording.

There are two sections we'd love one-liners for, both of which work for both general and Christmas-themed angles:

1) Messages From Home - recorded messages to the troops from family, girl/boyfriends, lovers or anyone else who might leave a message, so it can cover a whole range of things. Examples from previous shows are:

(MUM) Hayley - I saw you on that navy recruitment advert the other day, and just to clarify, you were not made in the Royal Navy, you were made in the back of your dad's Volvo on a day trip to Skegness.

(QUEEN) This is a message from HRH The Queen to the RAF. Could you be a bit more original when it comes to gift ideas. Royal birthday - fly past. Royal wedding - fly past. Royal anniversary - fly past. Have you guys never heard of John Lewis?

I'd like to throw a party each time your squad defuses a bomb, but I'm worried it would be a social minefield.

(MOTHER) I know you like fireworks on New Year's Eve. So I'm telling your sister her John likes dressing up in her clothes.

Darling, I'm pregnant! (BEAT) Can I just check... was it 6 weeks ago you were on shore leave?

(GRANDMA) Hello, Stevie. I've got the Christmas list you sent me. I'll see if the shop has some "immediate medical assistance"

(PISSED BLOKE) Hello, is that the Army? Now you've vacated Camp Bastion, is it available for stag dos?

(ANGRY) I don't care if he looked like a hostile blip on the radar, I want you to explain to little Timmy why you shot Santa down.

Hello darling I know you wanted a Christmas dinner with a military theme, I just need to ask "does Colonel Sanders count?"

2) Operational Safety Tips - messages from HQ to the troops (any service - Army, Navy, RAF, Marines, special forces etc), either to help them or stop them doing something unfortunate. Examples from previous shows are:

Remember, when you're opening a new Bomb Disposal Training Centre, always cut the red ribbon (PANIC AND SHOUT) not the blue one.

If you're visiting the armoury before exercises, please remember: Live rounds on the right, blanks on the left ... hang on ... If I'm facing the door .... the same hand I use for ....(SLIGHTLY PANICKY) update in five minutes

Troops, condoms on the end of your rifle will keep the sand out, but don't use American ones as they're too small.

Falklands patrols are requested to stop taking potshots at penguins. It turns out Port Stanley has a nunnery.

A howitzer is not the way to send back unwanted Christmas presents.

On the battlefield, you are only as good as the man fighting next to you. So try not to fight next to Private Jeffries.

Dropping a smoke grenade is not an excuse for a cheeky fag.

To the pilot who shot down 7 Tornadoes this morning. I was speaking figuratively when I said "we are our own worst enemy".

Using a warship to threaten really annoying jetskiers...is ok.

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Paul Wimsett

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 8:04pm
  • Folkestone, United Kingdom
  • 2,609 posts

The military not having money? Can't we cancel Trident and they can afford scriptwriters?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 2nd December 2017, 8:13am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,191 posts

A good writer is like a teenager. Sticks to his briefs.

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Will Cam

  • Saturday 2nd December 2017, 11:14am
  • England
  • 7,546 posts

Good luck with this Stephen. I'll give it a go but the bar is set very high with the quality of the jokes above.

Is it clean jokes you are after, or can they be risqué/ little sweary?

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StephenM

  • Saturday 2nd December 2017, 10:17pm
  • London, England
  • 820 posts
Quote: Will Cam @ 2nd December 2017, 11:14 AM

Good luck with this Stephen. I'll give it a go but the bar is set very high with the quality of the jokes above.

Is it clean jokes you are after, or can they be risqué/ little sweary?

I think I'd shy away from sweary as we almost certainly couldn't broadcast then. Risque - think more panto than Frankie Boyle. We've squeezed in cross-dressing and affairs before (see above!) but probably nothing much more edgy than that.

The old adage - often cheeky never blue - is probably a good one to abide by!

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karen Blott

  • Monday 4th December 2017, 1:53pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 1 posts

We had a new medic. He used to be a stand up. He said "the good news men is your Captain has had a bullet successfully removed from his body. The bad news...he has no head.

Any good?
Karen Blott

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Will Cam

  • Monday 4th December 2017, 8:48pm
  • England
  • 7,546 posts
Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 1st December 2017, 8:04 PM

The military not having money? Can't we cancel Trident and they can afford scriptwriters?

i bet you love black Friday you miserable sod:P

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Paul Wimsett

  • Tuesday 5th December 2017, 9:36am [Edited]
  • Folkestone, United Kingdom
  • 2,609 posts

You know I don't. You're on your own with the veil and the armband!

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StephenM

  • Tuesday 5th December 2017, 3:23pm
  • London, England
  • 820 posts
Quote: karen Blott @ 4th December 2017, 1:53 PM

We had a new medic. He used to be a stand up. He said "the good news men is your Captain has had a bullet successfully removed from his body. The bad news...he has no head.

Any good?
Karen Blott

Thanks Karen. Stick it in a document with a few others to the address mentioned above and we'd be more than happy to read your work.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Wednesday 6th December 2017, 11:23pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 49 posts

Hi StephenM, Just sent ten one liners to that email address, thanks for the advert for this. Patrick.

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Will Cam

  • Thursday 7th December 2017, 12:58am
  • England
  • 7,546 posts

Hi Stephen, just sent half a dozen off. Good luck to you all with the show.

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StephenM

  • Thursday 7th December 2017, 9:10am
  • London, England
  • 820 posts

Thanks for all those who have already sent stuff in and a reminder to others that today is deadline day so last chance to send us something. (As we're all writers when we say today we know we mean 11.59pm today).

We're recording the show next Tuesday so will try and let people know who got something in the recording next week. If I forget give me a gentle reminder!

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