British Comedy Guide

Another newsjack failure


Michael Hughes

  • Thursday 23rd February 2017, 9:55pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 121 posts

Hadn't submitted a Trump one this series so thoughthat I'd give it a bash this week.

There's been lots of speculation about The Donald's personal mobile phone. It appears he uses an old Samsung from 2012 which hasn't had a security update since 2015. What's more amazing is the man who wrote the 'Art of the Deal' seems to have been duped into a 5 year contract from Carphone Warehouse. However, it's not just national security he needs to worry about...

MELANIA: Donald, darling. I am worried about the security on your phone. You have many pictures on it that could be...embarrassing.

TRUMP: Oh you mean the plastic mattress ones?


MELANIA: You leave your phone lying around all the time. I keep finding it next to the toilet.

TRUMP: It's where I do my best tweeting.

MELANIA: Well, I bought you this one instead.

TRUMP: What the hell is that?

MELANIA: A Nokia 3310.

TRUMP: It looks like something we could build the wall with. Sad!

MELANIA: It's a good phone.

TRUMP: Maybe it's good in whatever country you come from, Melania.

MELANIA: Its battery has the same half life as uranium.

TRUMP: You don't need to tell me about uranium. No one knows more about uranium than me.

MELANIA: Please if not for me, then for the security of America?

TRUMP: (frustrated) What about my Pokemon Go score, Melania? I have literally the greatest Pokemons you've ever seen.

MELANIA: You can play Snake 2 instead. It's amazing; you can go through the walls and everything!

TRUMP: But...but... it doesn't even have twitter on it.

MELANIA: What if someone hacks your account?!

TRUMP: I think people would notice if I started posting crazy stuff on twitter all of a sudden.

MELANIA: Well...

TRUMP: And what if I want to tell Meryl Streep that she's fat and stupid?

MELANIA: Maybe just tie a note to a brick and throw it at her?

TRUMP: And what about my 200 billion twitter followers?

MELANIA: 200 billion? Really?

TRUMP: Yeah I was given that information. I've seen that information around.

MELANIA: Please, I'm begging you. Just try it.

TRUMP: Ok for you honey I'll... whoops I dropped it...


TRUMP:'s broken. So broken.

MELANIA: No, Rosie O'Donnell could sit on a 3310 and it wouldn't break.

TRUMP: Wow! That is impressive.

MELANIA: it too big for your hands?

TRUMP: That is fake news!

MELANIA: Of course. Those enormous thumbs would never struggle with something like a phone.

TRUMP: I know what you're trying to do Melania. And it's totally working. I'll take the phone!



  • Sunday 26th February 2017, 8:30pm
  • Preston, England
  • 358 posts

Trouble with it Trump satire is that pretty much everything has already been done. Your sketch went along in fits and starts, nice line about being hacked "I think people would notice if" etc, but I found myself needing harder hitting, sharper gags/conversation.

I'm by no means an expert, just giving my opinion, keep up the effort :)


Michael Hughes

  • Monday 27th February 2017, 5:10pm
  • England
  • 121 posts

Yeah you're right. It's more like a snippet of conversation than a sketch.


Mahatma Kane Jeeves

  • Friday 3rd March 2017, 7:03pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 21 posts

I really liked it. There are gags every line, not just one at the punchline - I don't like the sketches that are just build up and punchline.
I liked it more than the Nokia 3310 sketch they went with on Thursday that was basically if you want a 3310 you are a Luddite and should get with the times, Grandaddio - a premise I vehemently disagree with.
You caught Trump's inane speech patterns very well. I liked the plastic mattress; I can see Trump as a bedwetter!