British Comedy Guide

Short play

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Simon The Mighty

  • Friday 25th November 2016, 10:17am [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 77 posts

Hello, the following is a first draft play for a competition. Its theme is finding hope. You may notice that the style of this work, isn't so different from my other sketch 'The Psychiatrist', so I'm going to try and sort that out. But for now, here's what I've come up with...

FADE IN:
INT: BRUCE'S PARENT'S BEDROOM - DAY
BRUCE QUICK is 25, and is wearing a blindfold, and racing themed pyjamas. He is lying face up, on his PARENT'S double bed, with his arms and legs spread out. His MOTHER (50) and FATHER (50) are in typical clothing for their ages, but are also wearing caps with the name 'Bruce Quick' on them. The room is well lit, and an old fashioned phone, connected by a wire, is in the corner of the room. On the neighbouring desk, is an unopened pizza box.
MRS. QUICK
Hello, Br...
BRUCE QUICK
Look mum, I know what you're going to say...
MRS. QUICK
(warmly)
That you're an idiot, who's invaded your parent's bedroom?
BRUCE QUICK
Yes.
MR. QUICK
That's my boy, very perceptive... Only joking!
MR. QUICK pats his SON'S shoulder.
MRS. QUICK
(with a smile)
I just don't understand, Brucey... Why did you try and perform laser eye surgery with a laser pen?
BRUCE tosses and turns.
BRUCE QUICK
Because I thought it would save money, alright?!
Mr. QUICK
Who's idea was it? Was it from your rivals? We can get justice for you, boy!
BRUCE QUICK
No...
MR. QUICK
Who then??
BRUCE QUICK
It was my idea! Just drop it!
What am I going to do, dad?
MR. QUICK
Why did you do both eyes? Didn't going blind in one eye serve as a warning?
BRUCE QUICK
What do you want me to say? Yes?
MR. QUICK
It would make me feel better. Anyway,
look on the bright side... You know how I always told you to eat healthy? Now you don't have to...
BRUCE QUICK
Why not?
MR. QUICK
(with a forced smile)
Because you already are a vegetable!
BRUCE QUICK
Dad, for God's sake!!
MRS. QUICK
Your father's just saying there's one less thing to worry about. That's all.
BRUCE QUICK
Just like I don't have to worry about going to the opticians, or moving about anywhere. Lucky me.
MRS. QUICK
Stop being so negative! There are millions of people who would love to be in your shoes!
BRUCE QUICK
I see. Who?
MRS. QUICK
Um...
MRS. QUICK scratches his head, and furrows his brow.
MR. QUICK
... People with no shoes!
MRS. QUICK
Thanks, hubby.
MR. QUICK
No probs.
BRUCE QUICK
My life is over, and all you can do is joke?!
MRS. QUICK gives BRUCE a hug.
MRS. QUICK
Oh, Brucey! Of course it's not over!
BRUCE QUICK
Really? How so?
MR. QUICK
..... Ahem....
MrS. QUICK
(awkwardly)
Blebleblebleb....
MR. QUICK
No, no, wait. Your life definitely isn't over. You could walk dogs for a living. Imagine that; the wind in your hair, the sun on your face...
BRUCE QUICK
That sounds really boring.
MRS. QUICK
You could start your own vlog; you're already famous...
BRUCE QUICK
And what would I talk about? How much I hate staying in bed, all day?
MRS. QUICK
Don't be so morbid. You could say how much you love staying in bed all day.
BRUCE QUICK
I think that's worse. Hang on a second!
MR. QUICK
What?
BRUCE QUICK
Drag racing!
MR. QUICK
Drag racing?
BRUCE QUICK
All I would have to do is go straight...
MR. QUICK
That's true I guess, but your opponents would have a significant advantage over you. And still... Drag racing? No one cares. Who's ever seen a drag race? No one.
BRUCE QUICK
You're right. Everything's over!
BRUSE faces the mattress, puts his pillow of his head and starts to cry.
MRS. QUICK
Oh, God, hubs, I hate seeing him like this.
MR. QUICK
I know. You were right to bring the pizza.
MRS. QUICK opens the takeaway box and picks up a slice, with ham and pineapple on it. Food in hand, she pulls off BRUCE'S pillow.
MRS. QUICK
(sweetly)
Brucey.... Look u-up...
BRUCE QUICK
Oh, God, why?
MRS. QUICK
(whispering)
Trust me!
BRUCE faces the ceiling, and MRS. QUICK dangles pizza above her SON'S face. She then drags it across his nose to his mouth.
MRS. QUICK
Mmmm!
BRUCE QUICK
Oh, it's Hawaiian. I do like Hawaiian...
MRS. QUICK
There's a good boy! Open wide.
BRUCE gobbles up the pizza.
MR. QUICK
I bet you could get used to this, huh, boy!
BRUCE QUICK
No, I couldn't...
MR. QUICK
Oh, right.
MRS. QUICK
Hang on a second!
BRUCE QUICK
What?
MRS. QUICK
You know lots about Formula 1, right?
BRUCE QUICK
Yes, I do.
MRS. QUICK
So...
BRUCE QUICK
I should be happy?
MRS. QUICK
No. So you can answer the phone for Formula 1!
BRUCE QUICK
The phone for Formula 1?
MRS. QUICK
Yes, there must be one, right?
BRUCE QUICK
Umm... Maybe that's a real thing. You mean answering the phone for viewer enquiries? I guess I could do that... Maybe people would like to talk to one of the fastest racers in the world... But what if my old boss thinks I'm an idiot?
MRS. QUICK
Oh, son! Why would he think that?
BRUCE QUICK
I blinded myself with a laser pen, twice.
There is a long silence.
BRUCE QUICK
Get the phone book for me, will you?
Mr. QUICK
Don't worry, I know his number.
MR. QUICK dials the number for BRUCE'S BOSS. He is 50, and has a posh voice. It is heard on speaker phone.
BRUCE'S BOSS
Hello?
MR. QUICK
Hello, Mr. Page! It's about Bruce Quick...
BRUCE'S BOSS
You're his father, right?
MR. QUICK
That's me...
BRUCE'S BOSS
If you're phoning me to try and get Bruce's job back, you're wasting your time.
MR. QUICK
No, no, of course not. Say... How do you feel about answering questions from annoying people like me?
BRUCE'S BOSS
Not great. Why?
MR. QUICK
Bruce can do that for you!
BRUCE'S BOSS
He's offering to be my secretary?
MR. QUICK
He'll be the fastest damn secretary you ever had!
BRUCE'S BOSS
But he's blind...
MR. QUICK
Doesn't matter, he could take calls...
BRUCE'S BOSS
He shone a laser pen in both his eyes, for Christ's sake...
MR. QUICK
That wasn't a dodgy act of masochism, or anything, he was trying to perform surgery.
BRUCE'S BOSS
Errr....
MR. QUICK
Go on. You know it makes sense...
BRUCE'S BOSS
You sure?
MR. QUICK
Ok, it doesn't make complete sense, but it's an interesting thought.
BRUCE'S BOSS
... I think you might be right. Can I speak to Bruce?
MR. QUICK
Definitely.
The FATHER hands the phone to his SON, as the latter sits up on the bed.
BRUCE QUICK
Hello?
BRUCE'S BOSS
Hello! Sorry about the eyes...
BRUCE QUICK
It's ok. There's always pizza.
BRUCE smiles roughly where his MOTHER is standing. The latter eats some of it.
BRUCE'S BOSS
That's an admirable attitude.
BRUCE QUICK
So can I be your assistant?
BRUCE'S BOSS
Ummm.....
BRUCE QUICK
...
BRUCE'S BOSS
Errr.....
MRS. QUICK
Oh, the tension!
BRUCE'S BOSS
Errr.... Yes, you can! A world famous racer
taking calls? That's a great business idea!
MRS. QUICK
Hooray!
BRUCE QUICK
Oh, that's great news!
BRUCE'S BOSS
It'll be nice to see you, again.
BRUCE QUICK
It would be nice to see you, again!
BRUCE'S BOSS
Yeah, I bet. It's good to joke, isn't it.
BRUCE QUICK
Well, sometimes there's a limit.
BRUCE'S BOSS
You refering to your father?
BRUCE QUICK
Yeah.
BRUCE'S BOSS
Thought so. I'll leave you catch up with each other.
BRUCE QUICK
Thank you so much, bye...
MRS. QUICK
Well, how about that then!
MR. QUICK
Cool!
BRUCE QUICK
It's not that cool, I'm still blind.
MR. QUICK
Yeah, that does suck. Never mind though, in around 6 months, you'll have gotten over your sightlessness.
BRUCE QUICK
How do you know?
MR. QUICK
That's how long it takes someone to return to normal after some kind of serious mishap. That's a fact from QI.
BRUCE QUICK
Really?
MR. QUICK
I think so. Sometimes I just make things up. In the meantime, I'll keep loading you with pizza. The time will fly by!
BRUCE QUICK
Pizza makes everything ok.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Friday 25th November 2016, 2:08pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

Well, I've read it. I would set it out with more spacing so that it is a little bit easier to read. There may be some redundant lines you could edit out to make it pacier. Apart from that it has a beginning and an end. It's a dark theme (forgive pun). If you were looking to write a dark themed short play then it's done! With the right actors/production it could have a slightly surreal edge.

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Kealy

  • Saturday 26th November 2016, 3:06pm [Edited]
  • Leicestershire, England, United Kingdom
  • 86 posts

Just read your sketch for the competition your entering.

Just have some ideas that might help. Simply discard them if you don't think their very good.

You maybe should get some funny lines in earlier about him being a racing driver.

Maybe you could get some good lines out of dog walking thing. Maybe he's already become a dog walker and all the things he's done to them walking them and taking care of them while blind

The same goes for the job thing as well. Like the various jobs he's had while he's been out of racing.

Maybe he did laser pen surgery on his team mate as well and the team are furious with him because their now not going to win the championship. Maybe he did laser pen surgery on the whole of his racing team claiming it would give them better vision and he charged them for it.

Or maybe he carries out laser pen surgery on his rival team. They all go blind and cant race and it turns out at the end when he takes his blind fold of he could see all along.

What about one of his team or team-mates visits him in the scene. You don't know their blind until they turn up. Maybe they all turn up one by one.

Frankie right about removing the lines that you don't think need to be there. It will help with the pacing.

Good luck with the competition

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Simon The Mighty

  • Saturday 26th November 2016, 3:31pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 77 posts

I think the eye surgery on all his team is a funny idea, lol. I think if I put that on my script, it would be kind of stealing ideas, but I do think it's an interesting thought. Maybe you could do your own thing with a similar idea. Not plagiarism though obviously, lol. Unfortunately I can only write for four people, so I can't have any team mates visiting him. You're right, getting funny lines in straight away is definitely important, so I'll have a think about that. About cutting some of my work, that's complicated, as different people find different things funny. I have to be honest, right now I'm not sure what to cut. Also it would be hard to add the other stuff you talked about, as my play is at it's length limit. About your script: What I meant was I've read lots of unpublished scripts about people out of work. And didn't the Bottom characters talk about being poor in general? I think they were jobless, but I don't know if they ever talked about paying rent. But yeah, what can you do new?

Thanks for your time.