British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 10 - 18.10.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 10th October 2016, 9:24am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool burqas so congratulations to TIGGY for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Tiggy
1 - 5 - Frankie Rage, Gappy

Your next subject is CHAT (chosen by GAPPY). Making me hungry.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 18.10.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 50 - Gappy
2 - 20 - Lee
3 - 15 - Tiggy, Frankie Rage
4 - 10 - 404 Not Found, me

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gappy

  • Monday 10th October 2016, 3:32pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 10th October 2016, 9:24 AM

congratulations to GAPPY for winking.

As generous as it is inaccurate, Michael;)

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 11th October 2016, 1:36pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

You-re wright. Consider it dung.

COME UP TRUMPS

PRESENTRESS Researchers have stunned the world by locating a comment by Trump that may not be a lie, falsehood or bollocks.

On 21 May 1999, Repubelicker Trump allegedly stated, 'I just saw a cat.' There is compelling evidence that he did indeed see a cat: a European tabby called Martin. It was not a dog he was describing as a cat to please feline friends in Philadelphia; nor was he attempting to use code for, 'I am not paying taxes because I am Donald Rump and I am awesome.'

The cat is unavailable for comment, but owner Ms Blander says, 'I had a cat and at that moment he wasn't in the house and that was his favourite playpen... I refuse to support anything Donnie says, but I cannot categorically deny it either. I'm like, really really sorry. OK?'

Doctors have carried out extensive tests and consider that he was not blind at the time, so did indeed see the cat. Facebook addicts everywhere are saddened and distressed by this unconventional behaviour and now have nothing to write about. 'Oh bugger,' they say.

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Tiggy

  • Wednesday 12th October 2016, 7:33pm
  • Reading, England
  • 176 posts

So is the topic "CHAT" or "CAT"?

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gappy

  • Thursday 13th October 2016, 8:36am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: Tiggy @ 12th October 2016, 7:33 PM

So is the topic "CHAT" or "CAT"?

It's "Chat", but Michael is obviously French.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Thursday 13th October 2016, 12:17pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

I thought he was chicken??? Huh

Chat you say? er.. Errr --------------------------------------------------------

CHAT SHOW INTERVIEWER:
Well, Donald you've been getting a lot of bad press about your attitude to women and you've been accused of being, well, a dirty old man, hands everywhere, etcetera! etcetera!

DONALD T: <BEAMING>
They got me all wrong, as it happens I'm more of a Knight in shining armour saving damsels in distress!

INTERVIEWER:
I see.. well, let me ask you, if you did find a damsel in distress, suppose she was drunk and naked and had no idea what she was doing, what would you do?

DONALD T: <STRUGGLES WITH THIS>
Well.. I'd.. well, oh heck, I'd have to.. oh, goddamn, I'd have to turn her over and give her one up the arse, who wouldn't!?

INTERVIEWER: <TURNS TO OTHER GUEST>
And you, Archbishop, what would you do..

ARCHBISHOP:
Well, I'd put my coat around her, comfort and protect her from harm, try to find out if there was any family I could call..

DONALD T: <SHRUGS>
Oh, yeah, well.. that too..

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 13th October 2016, 1:02pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cross between a chicken and a cow was upset. Fowl mooed.

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gappy

  • Thursday 13th October 2016, 6:39pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

DANNI: Alright, who had the Fosters again?

CRAIG: Me. Cheers, Danni.

DANNI: No probs Craig, and here's yours Albert. So, Sharon has confirmed, she's coming to visit tomorrow evening. We'll have a bit of fun, I dare say, hit the town. She's catching a train at 3.15, she said

ALBERT: What time does it arrive?

DANNI: Don't know, give me a sec. It comes in here at...errr...7.04

ALBERT: Oh, what did you do that for?

DANNI: What do you mean?

ALBERT: Why did you look up the time? We could have had fun discussing that.

CRAIG: Bloody smart phones, killing the art of the pub conversation.

DANNI: The pub conversation?

CRAIG: Yeah. In the old days, we could have had a good crack at that: "I think it's about 6.42"

ALBERT: "I reckon 7.14". Would have been fun.

DANNI: Erm. OK.

ALBERT: It's like last Friday, when you were trying to remember the name of the Chinese minister for foreign affairs, and you just looked it up. Ten seconds later, there we are, Wang Yi. We could have discussed that for ages.

DANNI: Right. Did you know the name, then?

CRAIG: No, course not, never heard of him, but we could have still had a crack. Ying Poo, Ana Ng, Rinky Tinky.

ALBERT: Chi-Chi.

CRAIG: Chi-Chi, good one. See what you missed out on? Proper conversation.

ALBERT: Hoo Dun Pong?

CRAIG: Leave it, mate, the moment's passed.

DANNI: Well...you can save up all that great chat for when we see Sharon tomorrow. I thought we could get a table at Galuppi's, I've heard that's good.

ALBERT: What are you doing?!

DANNI: Going to book a table.

ALBERT: By ringing them? What about the laugh we could have had turning up and finding out. We could have so much fun.

DANNI: But we might not have had much dinner. Anyway, I need to find out whether they can accommodate a wheelchair, otherwise Sharon can't go, can she?

CRAIG: I the old days we'd talk about it. You've just killed a good chat. You nattercide.

DANNI: You could only say only yes or no.

CRAIG: Well, it all counts. Like in the old days.

DANNI: And what would you have done in the old days about getting Sharon some dinner?

CRAIG: Oh, that's easy.

ALBERT: Yeah. We wouldn't have invited her.

CRAIG: And we wouldn't have had dinner. We'd have stayed here.

ALBERT: In the pub.

CRAIG: It's what we know.

ALBERT: It's where we're safe. In the pub.

CRAIG: Talking.

ALBERT: Drinking. Talking. In the pub. Warm, unthreatening pub.

CRAIG: No phones, no cripples, no Chinese statesmen. Just us. Just the talking.

ALBERT: All night.

CRAIG: Every night.

ALBERT: Never reaching a conclusion.

CRAIG: Blissful pub ignorance.

DANNI: I have no idea what you're talking about.

CRAIG: Ha, just like the old days.

ALBERT: Welcome back, Danni. Welcome Back.

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Otterfox

  • Tuesday 18th October 2016, 10:19am
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

THE ANIMEN.

RADIO PRESENTER (NICK):
You may have recently heard of the man who lived as a goat in the Alps. To make the experience as real as possible he even had prostheses made so that he could walk on all fours. He then joined the goats in their alpine habitat; eating grass, rutting, bashing the heads off each other and whatever else a mountain goat gets up to. While this may seem extreme we have since discovered that he is part of an - up until now - secret society known as The Animen who spend large periods of time living as various forms of wildlife. Barry Lowe is treasurer of the society and he is available on the line now for a bit of a chat. Hello Barry.

BARRY:
Hi Barry, that is correct, hi, twice I think.

NICK:
You're Barry, I'm Nick. Now tell us a bit about your group.

BARRY:
Ha, ha, that is exactly it, beautiful.

NICK:
Can you hear me okay or are you in a burrow somewhere?

BARRY:
No. I'm out of it now. Yes fantastic year for living with animals. Super conditions.

NICK:
And what constitutes favourable conditions?

BARRY:
Well now you're asking what the good conditions would be. That's a very broad question and I'm going to answer it as broadly as possible. It really depends. We had a couple of members live as deer so in that instance you'd be looking for a nice forested and sheltered habitat that's easy on the hooves. Our vice-president Jane needed very wet conditions as she recently spent some time as a mackerel. Kevin just landed this morning after a summer of being a wasp. He preferred the hot days where he could buzz around bins and get hit with newspapers.

NICK:
Can you tell us what this experience is like or are you all just completely insane?

BARRY:
Speaking from my own experience I would say it was pleasant, feathery pleasant.

NICK:
Feathery pleasant?

BARRY:
Yes very feathery. But I suppose that's to be expected when you spend the best part of a year as an ostrich.

NICK:
You lived as an ostrich for a year? That must have been exhausting - eating shrubs and insects and swallowing pebbles; not to mention constant attacks by prey.

BARRY:
I couldn't break character or they'd be onto me and completely reject me so I fully immersed myself in their culture so I would scrape the dirt with my feet, look around idiotically and generally be a very tall bird. But they teach you a lot more that you teach them.

NICK:
Really!? What did they teach you?

BARRY:
Loads, how to run fast, how not to fly and how to lay eggs. Here let me show you how to lay an egg.

NICH:
No, that's quite alright.

BARRY:
Seriously, it will only take a minute (GRUNTING)

NICK:
I really must insist...

BARRY:
(GRUNTING) It's easy once you get the hang of it. I started off small with hens eggs but I can do an ostrich one now...just wait... (MORE GRUNTING)

FX: PHONE LINE GOES DEAD.

END

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 19th October 2016, 9:21am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Otterfox but Gappy is like my wife. Comes second.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 19th October 2016, 10:05am
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

I must call OTTERFOX on this one.. (Otterfox by name but old Stoatweasle by nature! ;-)

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gappy

  • Wednesday 19th October 2016, 10:34am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Otter meets fox in the world series of my vote.

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Otterfox

  • Wednesday 19th October 2016, 12:53pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

Great to see Sir Frank back again. I like his take on things. Gappy zooms to victory for me this week.