Favourite One Liners Page 2

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Sunday 6th August 2017, 1:42pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,709 posts

I want to complain about the cockroaches, they are in my bed now.
Well pull it away from the wall.
I did, they pulled it back.

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Billy Bunter

  • Sunday 6th August 2017, 4:23pm
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 1,367 posts

I said "doctor, doctor I have broken my arm in two places". He said,"well you shouldn't go to those places"

I said to the doctor, "it hurts whenever I do this." He said, "Well, then don't do it!"

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 7th August 2017, 6:54am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,366 posts

Jack Dee: I hate fat people. Especially ones who think they'll get away with it by being friendly.
Jimmy Sadowitz (ouch): I'm a non-racist, non-sexist, non-ageist comedian. Which is a shame cos I've got this great joke about Tina Turner.
Jo Brand: My sexual fantasy is 10 beautiful men cover my naked body with chocolate - then they f**k off and I lick it off myself.
Marek Larwood: If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Monday 7th August 2017, 7:14pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,709 posts

You have a very very rare medical condition called Homer Simpson syndrome.
'Ooh why me?

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Definitely Tarby

  • Tuesday 8th August 2017, 12:12am [Edited]
  • 2,035 posts
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 7th August 2017, 7:14 PM

You have a very very rare medical condition called Homer Simpson syndrome.
'Ooh why me?

:D

What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? A thousand to one - Homer Simpson

This is more of a quote than a one liner. In the episode when a wild Bear wanders in to town and Homer leads an unruly mob objecting to the lack of protection from bears by incorrectly using a chant he had heard before.

Mob: We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Mob: We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Lenny: Hey Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it?

Homer: Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.

Mob:.....We don't want any more bears......

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 27th October 2020, 4:28pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,366 posts
Quote: Ronald S @ 7th November 2016, 9:35 AM

My wife was giving me a right roasting about being immature and saying it was time I grew up. I noticed the windows had steamed up so I drew a cock and balls with spunk coming out.

Micky Flanagan

My wife thinks I'm immature. She told me over dindins.

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Tuesday 27th October 2020, 8:42pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,709 posts

My wife said I immature too. She said we should talk about it.
Not while it's Conker season.

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Steve Sunshine

  • Tuesday 27th October 2020, 11:34pm
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,610 posts

My wife said I was immature
I would have said that it takes one to know one
but she had already said no returnsies

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 28th October 2020, 8:52am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,366 posts

My Dad said, 'Michael, you are lazy and vulgar.' I couldn't be bothered to answer the c**t.