I wrote this Newsthumpy thing to amuse some of my friends in the live msuic fraternity (and sorority), at the expense of a particular journalist who literally writes the same review for every festival no matter how big or small. I'm guessing that everyone's local tabloids are dire, though, so thought I'd stick it up for the hell of it.

FESTIVAL ARTICLE HAILED AS "BEST EVER"

Editors of The Oxford Mail have stated today that their report on a cultural event is one of the best ones yet. Thousands flicked to page 6 of The Oxford Mail, Oxford to view the article, the most recent in a long series, featuring The Manic Street Preachers, Samantha Cameron, John Craven and local cheese. The article was written by Hugh Tomms, who treated readers to such crowd-pleasing topics as weather, location and people from off of the telly. Talking of writing the article, Mr Tomms said, "I loved every second of it. About 30, I think it took". He described the latest article as "vintage", which means two things.

Alfred Haynes, of Grandpont, has been enjoying the article for years. "It's so reliable," he said, "it's like part of the scenery. Once a week every summer, there it is, instantly recognisable".

It was Mrs Hong Lee of Iffley's first time experiencing the article, but she said she'd "definitely be back for more", and noted that she enjoyed the lone mention of an incredibly specific and arbitrary detail, whilst visiting a mobile chai vendor with her Jack Russell, Ribbons.

Botley sea scout Billy Mundy confessed he had not read the article, but that's OK, because everyone will have given up by paragraph 4, and instead looked at the picture of the toddler and the bubble machine.