British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 8 - 15.5.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 8th May 2016, 1:09pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Like 57 Rowan Atkinsons in a fridge cool beans so congratulations to GAPPY and SLARNDER for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank apiss please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, Slarnder

Your next subject is VINYL (chosen by Gappy)... My dad keeps playing The White Album. I said, change the record.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Spanish geese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 15.5.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 65 - Gappy
2 - 25 - James
3 - 20 - Tiggy
4 - 15 - Stylee Ting Ting, me
5 - 10 - Otterfox, Slarnder
6 - 5 - Playfull, Scratchyr

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 11th May 2016, 10:34am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

BLUE MURDER

How many times
To release this pile of pooh
When I paid four grand before now
And it's all been pooh so far

I bought and was mistaken
Cos I thought I'd heard the worst
But f**k me, how did I feel
When I heard 'How do I feel'

Loads that came before me
Failed in expectations
From the ass until excretion
They are turds and nothing more

And I still find it so hard
To play crap, I had to pay
F**king shite, sure, what you'll sell me's
F**ked crap I fall for each day

I seen some shit sold on ebay
I can and shall purchase
But if it wasn't for your remixes
I'd be a well wealthy person today

And I thought I was mistaken
When I bought some turd from freaks
Sell me, how do I feel
Sell me, wow, how shit I feel

Now I'm shafted again

And I bought, you sold me, I'm a geek
I'm a wanker, you're a bitch
Sell me, that's how it feels
When your art grows old.

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gappy

  • Thursday 12th May 2016, 11:41am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

SFX: FOODLE-E-DOOMPH, DRUM ENDING TO SONG

PONYTAIL: And that's the final mix, Max. What do you think?

MAX: [Aging Brummie rocker] Bloody brilliant. I think that's a great track.

PONYTAIL: Well done, Max, I knew you still had it in you.

MAX: Tell you what, after 17 albums, I think that's the best song I've ever written.

PONYTAIL: [Sardonic] Yeah, that's usually how it happens. So, let's make this a big comeback release, eh?

MAX: Oh, yeah, definitely. I reckon that this is such a great track, it deserves a truly amazing release. Get the pressing plant on the line and tell them to print up....200!

PONYTAIL: 200? What happened to it being a special release?

MAX: Yeah, good point, better make it 50.

PONYTAIL: Really, Max, is that what you want?

MAX: Oh, yes. I've just written the best song of my career, I want it to feel truly special, and the best way to achieve that is to ensure the fewest possible number of people hear it. It's entirely natural that an artist would feel that way.

PONYTAIL: Well, alright. I'll get 50 CDs made and -

MAX: Not CDs! Anyone could play them! Vinyl. I want only a minuscule number of people to even be able to play this record, and that's if they can find a copy. Which they won't. Because, surely, that's what being an entertainer is about: reaching the smallest possible number of people with the greatest amount of difficulty. Nothing else would adequately repay the effort I've put into this piece, or the universal message of the songwriting. Oh! I know, how about if it's only available for one day?

PONYTAIL: One day?

MAX: Yes. A special day where the shops are crowded and expensive. To weed out anyone who is only mildly interested in hearing the song. I mean, if neither of us is going to make any money out of this, we might as well open the door for professional traders to earn a packet; that's only fair.

PONYTAIL: Fine, I'll do that. Oh, and I nearly forgot to say, the makers of the show Dark Openings want to license some of your old tracks for the next series. Have you seen it?

MAX: Nope.

PONYTAIL: No worries, I'll get some DVDs couriered over.

MAX: [Weary sigh] Oh, what? Can't I just stream it?

PONYTAIL: Erm, don't think so.

MAX: Blimey, what bloody century do these people think it is?

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Otterfox

  • Thursday 12th May 2016, 3:43pm [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

INT. DRAWING ROOM. EVENING.

ELDERLY EXPLORER TYPE TALKING TO THE CAMERA.

WALTER:
This is an excerpt taken out of my head or a memory to the lay person.

As an explorer, a traveller, a wanderer, a...just let me get my thesaurus...an adventurer and a...rover I have seen many places and experienced many events in my time as the things I have just mentioned.

Allow me now to impart an event that had such a profound effect on me as a human amongst other species that I remember it very, very well indeed.

Let my tale flow from my lips to yours and from there up along your cheeks and into your ears.

It was June time in the Juning of the year on an island so remote that it went by the name (heavy accent) Tahiti of French Polynesia (normal accent) or Tahiti to the lay person.

It was the time of the summer solstice time as we docked aboard the Mighty Soltuna which translates to the Great Sultana in Tahiteenian. As she began to sail away I had realised my mistake and that I was meant to disembark. Quick as a flash I strolled to the edge of the ship, jumped overboard and swam for beach.

The Solstice Festival was in full swing by the time I touched sand. The island was a sea of colour and a hive of activity; a sea hive really. There was dancing -.

Then the land-canoeists arrived to paddle us to the oldest structure on the island; a volcanic mountain made entirely of nature. We arrived just in time the witness the spitting of lava from the mountain which only occurs on the summer solstice every year. Standing on an outcropped ledge known simply as 'The Juning Fork' we had the perfect vantage point to see the strong sun setting fire to the lava. I don't know if you've ever seen balls of fire but this is what they were.

There's not a day goes by that I don't think about things and sometimes when I find myself in pensive mood my thoughts turn to ponderings and that's when I think of those fire balls sometimes. Without a shadow of a doubt it is in the top eighty three experiences of my life.

However not only do I have to rely on my mind to relive this wondrous visual experience. We all received a vinyl copy of the event so that I Walter Buzzard; Walt Buzz to the lay person can listen to it anytime I want.

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gappy

  • Monday 16th May 2016, 10:45am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

My vote goes to the Otter, but special mention to Michael because I think that this was the best rewritten lyrics skit to date; this must be your third entry bewailing the New Order rerelease schedule, though, perhaps you should get some therapy? Laughing out loud

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 16th May 2016, 11:16am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Now that I've realised how it's all gone wrong,
Gotta find some therapy, this treatment takes too long.
I would vote for both but Otterfox just pips it.

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Otterfox

  • Monday 16th May 2016, 11:51am
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

Found it a close call this week. Mikey Monkhouse - the crudest man in the business pulls out another gem and Gappys sketches are always top quality and enjoyable to read. It's Gappy by a nose.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 16th May 2016, 12:25pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts
Quote: Otterfox @ 16th May 2016, 11:51 AM BST

The crudest man in the business pulls out another gem.

I have to go for a whole day without making any sexual innuendoes. It's long and hard but I'll pull it off.

Quote: Otterfox @ 16th May 2016, 11:51 AM BST

It's Gappy by a nose.

My mother said criticism is like giving head. If you can't swallow it, at least take it on the chin.

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Otterfox

  • Monday 16th May 2016, 2:04pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 16th May 2016, 12:25 PM BST

I have to go for a whole day without making any sexual innuendoes. It's long and hard but I'll pull it off.

My mother said criticism is like giving head. If you can't swallow it, at least take it on the chin.

Yep, that's the stuff alright :)

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 16th May 2016, 5:29pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

I persuaded my mother sperm tastes nice. She swallowed it.
Any more votes...?