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comedywriter dude

  • Saturday 20th February 2016, 12:43pm [Edited]
  • Australia
  • 225 posts

you know I watch TV alot more than most people , and I eat alot more than most people to, I'll eat an entire bag of cc's and when them ads comon on them fitness adds most people change the channel, sometimes I do but somtimes I don't somtimes I watch the new inventions.

I eat my ccs an entire industry built around me not eating my cc's right now I'm watching them, I'm still eating my cc's

I mean I'm watching these adds as I cut of big hunk of cheees and put it on my doritoes and press play on microwave, 3 to 3 minutes is a long time to wate for the chees to melt on your doritos, and I'm watching these fitniss adds lether belts shaking her belly, and it just gets me more depressed.

the next add as my doritos are done some ultimate fit girl, I just can't help to think shi probably would like the tast of my daritos

I mean how many times have you sat there eating mac donalds and these fitness adds come on , and yer ther fit but anr't you thinking, damn they are missing out on the taste of this big mack.

I mean shes working out jogging but I'm eating a tasty big mack who is really winning?

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gappy

  • Saturday 20th February 2016, 1:11pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

Here are my thoughts, feel free to ignore, I'm not an expert on this sort of thing.

1) I found this quite hard to understand, had to read some sentences twice to parse them. I'm assuming that this is a stand-up script, in which case it doesn't matter so long as you know how to deliver it, but for now, it's a bit of a trawl.

2) The joke is you're watching adverts for a healthy lifestyle whilst eating crisps? Not much to it. That's a jumping off point, I think you need to go further, think up some places ot got with it: you bought a treadmill...because it's a long walk from the sofa to where your wife is frying bacon sandwiches; you joined a gym...because they have the cheapest vending machine in town, you've amde your subscription money back after only 8 weeks. Those ideas are crap, obviously, Laughing out loud but find some more inventive way to contrast your lifestyle.

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comedywriter dude

  • Saturday 20th February 2016, 1:33pm
  • Australia
  • 225 posts
Quote: gappy @ 20th February 2016, 1:11 PM GMT

Here are my thoughts, feel free to ignore, I'm not an expert on this sort of thing.

1) I found this quite hard to understand, had to read some sentences twice to parse them. I'm assuming that this is a stand-up script, in which case it doesn't matter so long as you know how to deliver it, but for now, it's a bit of a trawl.

2) The joke is you're watching adverts for a healthy lifestyle whilst eating crisps? Not much to it. That's a jumping off point, I think you need to go further, think up some places ot got with it: you bought a treadmill...because it's a long walk from the sofa to where your wife is frying bacon sandwiches; you joined a gym...because they have the cheapest vending machine in town, you've amde your subscription money back after only 8 weeks. Those ideas are crap, obviously, Laughing out loud but find some more inventive way to contrast your lifestyle.

ha hathat's funny I like your take on it

Quote: comedywriter dude @ 20th February 2016, 1:23 PM GMT

ha hathat's funny I like your take on it

i'm more of a writer butthat's good, like your tate on it makes it more funny made me laugh yer vending machine

Quote: comedywriter dude @ 20th February 2016, 1:25 PM GMT

ha hathat's funny I like your take on it

i'm more of a writer butthat's good, like your tate on it makes it more funny made me laugh yer vending machine

you know I watch TV alot more than most people , and I eat alot more than most people to, I'll eat an entire bag of cc's and when them ads comon on them fitness adds most people change the channel, sometimes I do but somtimes I don't somtimes I watch the new inventions.

some of those inventions look pretty great too, but/ they look like they just shake everything. Am I better off with a hoola hoop?

anyways when I'm eating my ccs I'm thinking thers an entire industry built around me not eating my cc's right now I'm watching them, I'm still eating my cc's

I mean I'm watching these adds as I cut of big hunk of cheees and put it on my doritoes and press play on microwave, 3 to 3 minutes is a long time to wate for the chees to melt on your doritos, and I'm watching these fitniss adds lether belts shaking her belly, and it just gets me more depressed.

the next add as my doritos are done some ultimate fit girl, I just can't help to think shi probably would like the tast of my daritos

maybe they would be beter switching it around guys like me advertising vending machines, then we go on tredmill to test them.

like a new rolloercoaster, are you to fat for this rolloercoaster?

I mean how many times have you sat there eating mac donalds and these fitness adds come on , and yer ther fit but anr't you thinking, damn they are missing out on the taste of this big mack.

I mean shes working out jogging but I'm eating a tasty big mack who is really winning?

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enigmatic

  • Wednesday 24th February 2016, 8:00pm
  • England
  • 241 posts

I'm reading this in an Australian accent but it's still not making much sense.

I feel like my mind might explode trying to understand it.

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beaky

  • Wednesday 24th February 2016, 8:42pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,744 posts

I'd use a spell checker if I were you.

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James

  • Saturday 5th March 2016, 2:54pm
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

fitness and health are certainly subjects that many people think about now and its funny that it may come to mind when you are watching commercials , sat at home eating junk food.

I would advise that you keep thinking about this topic and scenario. Think about everything around this - what else is there about this topic/situation that may also be funny about this?

Anyway, that's what I would do.(not that I am anyone who should be giving advice about writing comedy coz I'm no expert!)

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Tiggy

  • Tuesday 8th March 2016, 9:37pm
  • Reading, England
  • 192 posts

What the f**k are "CCs"?

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Deferenz

  • Sunday 27th March 2016, 12:09am
  • West Sussex, England
  • 778 posts
Quote: Tiggy @ 8th March 2016, 9:37 PM GMT

What the f**k are "CCs"?

CC's are a brand of tortilla chips made in Australia.

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sootyj

  • Sunday 27th March 2016, 9:36am
  • England
  • 51,287 posts
Quote: Tiggy @ 8th March 2016, 9:37 PM GMT

What the f**k are "CCs"?

What yo mama says when a Mexican asks her out.