A daytime TV mash-up of the usual house selling stuff and "World at War" - ""Homes Under the Himler" .
PRESENTER: - So, let's go back, 6 years later, to see how Bertie and Elizabeth have got on with their big redevelopment.. Well, there's been a lot of work done since we were first here in 1939, a real blitz. I don't think they've done it themselves, being busy with their 'jobs' as 'King and Queen' they've been shaking hands, waving and pretending to be interested. They must have got someone in.
The location and transport links couldn't have been any better- it being at the centre of the largest Empire the World has ever known. But, if you remember, there was that unusual layout upstairs- 700 000 bedrooms, but only 3 indoor toilets. Though downstairs benefitted from its own mint, famous waxworks museum and Household Cavalry, there had been very little modernisation done in recent years, had there Bertie?...
BERTIE: N..n..not since...a ..ab..ab...
MR LOGUE (an Australian Gentleman) : Stick with it Bertie, mate...
BERTIE: Sinse a buggery bollocks, about 1666.
PRESENTER: There feels like there's a lot more space- its been knocked through?
BERTIE: Yes, a..ab..about...f..f..
MR LOGUE: Steady Bertie...
BERTIE: About f..f**ketty f**k, forty thousand houses, churches, hospitals, schools have gone.
PRESENTER: And there's a lovely sense of "flow"- helped by having the river Thames running through the property. The new "open plan" creating easy access to the lovely garden.
BERTIE: Yes, the c...c...
MR LOGUE: Steady Bertie...
BERTIE: The c..c..county of Kent. The garden of England.
PRESENTER: I'm surprised you used the same firm that started the job in 1914.
ELIZABETH: Well, when they first had a go we did hope it would be all over by Christmas? Then they said they had a big job on over in Poland . But they promised once it was up it would last...ooh , a thousand years, wasn't it?
PRESENTER: So you got these Eastern Europeans in ...?
ELIZABETH: Well, Central Europeans really, but everything is relative I suppose.
BERTIE: T..t..turns out they were our relatives actually.
ELIZABETH: They started coming over here, at all hours, It all had to come down apparently!
PRESENTER: Bish bash bosh?
BERTIE: Us? B...b...Bosch? No, n..nein.
ELIZABETH:Then we found out it was infested!
PRESENTER: Dry rot?
ELIZABETH: No, doodlebugs...
It got so we couldn't look our neighbours ( well, I say neighbours... Subjects, really) -in the East End in the face... Especially when they tended to be bowing before us all the time? - Or still engaged in hand to hand combat with the Japanese in the jungles of Burma.
BERTIE: Or d..dead.
ELIZABETH: I do hope that funny little man...
ELIZABETH: Gets moving with our rebuilding... Some of the piles of rubble are still this high!
PRESENTER: How high?
ELIZABETH: Seig Heil.
BERTIE: D..d..don't point like that Dear, with that hand gesture! Ooh little Elizabeth is copying you now! Those "Newsreel Johnies " will be filming you before you know it... Never know who might get to see it in 70 years!
PRESENTER: So, do you want to know how much your Property might be worth at auction now?
ELIZABETH: Oh no, we'll be keeping it thank you.. Would you fancy some sandwiches ? - I'm afraid it's only swan again.
PRESENTER: Oh thank you. -Now let's pop back to first Century Rome to see how Nero is getting on with his big project, or is he still pre-occupied with his music?...