Sort of...(Happy New Year!)
SCENE 1. A WOOD SOMEWHERE. DAY
CREDITS song (to tune similar to Moon Pig): Piss Wolf, Piiiiss Wolf, cos if you piss on a wolf it'll get angry (whispered) Piss Wolf.
Meanwhile, PISS WOLF - a wolf - sleeps on the forest floor.
Unidentifiable legs appear in the foreground and a stream of piss emanates from the crotch area of said legs (off screen), splashing on to and slowly soaking PISS WOLF.
The unidentifiable legs walk away as the song comes to a close.
PISSWOLF wakes up with a start, jumps to his feet and prances uncomfortably down a forest lane.
PISSWOLF - Wah! What the...f**king...argh, oh it's horrible, oh...eeeeeeeeuuuurgh....
PISSWOLF stops in front of the shack of DUCK - a duck, mostly, although both legs, one wing and an eyeball have been gnawed off over the years during previous altercations. He wears a waistcoat.
DUCK's home is a ramshackle of bits of wood, animal skeletons, mud and various detritus.
DUCK opens his door and leans awkwardly against the post on his one good leg as he watched PISS WOLF.
PISSWOLF - ...I'm a f**king wolf...who pisses on a f**king wolf?! You repulsive little ingrate...you....eeeeewww.....
DUCK - Wolf!
PISSWOLF - ....I'll get you for this you...shitting...
DUCK - Wolf!
PISSWOLF - ...I've got big sharp teeth and I'll f**king...take you to court...it's indecent!
DUCK reaches inside his shack and picks up an aubergine, with which he hits PISSWOLF over the head again and again.
PISS WOLF - ...argh! Oh you horrible creature. Ow, no. Not the...stop the aubergine, I don't like the aubergine.
PISSWOLF bats the aubergine away.
DUCK - What's your problem?
PISSWOLF - I got pissed on.
DUCK - Well don't just whine, piss right back at them, that's how the wood works.
PISSWOLF - I don't know who they are, I was asleep!
DUCK leans back into his shack, within which a poster board is pinned full of notes and a map. The map has a dotted-line journey scrawled on it leading to an X, the notes say:
GET TO X
SHIT, NO LEGS
RIDE DUMB ANIMAL THERE
DUCK snatches the map and folds into his waistcoat pocket.
DUCK - I'll help you find them, Wolf.
PISSWOLF - Oh alright, cool.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. LANE IN WOOD. DAY
DUCK stares at his map, riding PISSWOLF, who is still dripping in piss.
DUCK - Just a little further...
PISSWOLF suddenly stops, alarm in his eyes.
Alarm
Alarm
Alarm
DUCK - What? Oh for f**k's sake.
Ahead of PISSWOLF is an abandoned hoover.
DUCK - What is it about those things?
PISSWOLF freezes and trembles.
DUCK - Wolf? Woooolf?
DUCK takes a boomerang out of his waistcoat and throws it.
DUCK - Go on. Fetch.
PISSWOLF - You know, that's really patronising. This isn't the 19th century, things have moved on, man...
The boomerang comes back with a wolf hanging on to it by the teeth. DUCK catches it and shakes it to throw the wolf off.
PISSWOLF (to OTHER WOLF) - It's wolves like you who hold us all back.
OTHER WOLF hangs his head, then starts to sniff the piss on PISSWOLF.
PISSWOLF - Oh come on, man, it's not mine, ok?
OTHER WOLF's tail flicks up and he stands erect.
PISSWOLF - What? You know whose piss this is?
OTHER WOLF nods his head.
PISSWOLF - You know where I can find him?
OTHER WOLF nods his head.
PISSWOLF - Let's go!
The wolves run past the hoover, barking and growling at it in a frenzy as they go.
DUCK - Idiots...
CUT TO:
SCENE 3. LANE IN WOOD. DAY
The wolves and DUCK come to a fork in the road.
DUCK - Wait! Stop!
The wolves comes to a halt and DUCK rolls of PISSWOLF's back. He rolls himself himself ahead of the pack and sniffs at the ground, then looks down one of the lanes.
PISSWOLF - What are you...?
DUCK - Shh!
DUCK stares down the lane.
DUCK - We nearly walked straight into an allegory...
At the end of the lane, pigs, horses, sheep and dogs stand motionless and blinking next to a barn with 'THE RULES' painted on the side.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4. CLEARING IN THE WOODS. DAY
The wolves and DUCK come towards a clearing.
OTHER WOLF barks and tries to lead the group to the right.
DUCK pulls some meat out of his waistcoat to distract him.
PISSWOLF - What was that?
DUCK - He says straight ahead.
PISSWOLF - That's an odd thing to say out of the blue.
DUCK puts the meat in front of PISSWOLF to distract him.
PISSWOLF walks into the clearing, staring at the meat.
DUCK leaps off PISSWOLF and rolls on the floor.
DUCK - Yes! Yes! Finally!
PISSWOLF - We found him? Where?
DUCK rolls toward a piece of bread on the floor.
DUCK - Bread! Bread!
DUCK pecks at the bread greedily.
PISSWOLF - Oh is there some bread? I'm hungry.
DUCK - F**k you! My bread!
DUCK continues pecking.
PISSWOLF - Well, can I have that meat now?
DUCK continues pecking.
PISSWOLF - Can we keep moving?
DUCK continues pecking.
PISSWOLF - I'm cold because of the piss.
DUCK - Shut up! F**k you! You're ruining the bread! F**k you! I've waited years for my f**king bread, it's my f**king bread!
DUCK pulls a gun from his waistcoat and shoots both wolves dead.
DUCK - That was impulsive.
DUCK falls over.
PISSWOLF song plays again over credits.
END
