British Comedy Guide

Sitcom Pilot

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Pugsmith

  • Sunday 26th October 2014, 6:18pm
  • 70 posts

Okay, here goes. It isn't perfect, but I think it may be a start. This is the first episode of my Sitcom "Branched." All feedback appreciated, thanks.

FADE IN

INT. THE FLAT- MORNING.

MAX AND GARY ARE BREAKFASTING. GARY IS EATING TOAST AND READING THE NEWSPAPER, MAX IS EATING THE NEWSPAPER AND READING HIS TOAST. MAX'S NEWSPAPER EATING SLOWLY GROWS MORE AUDIBLE.

GARY

Why are you doing that?

MAX

Gary, its opposite day.

GARY

You're committed then, is that an actual day?

MAX

No.

GARY

Oh, then why are you doing it?

MAX

Yes means no.

GARY

What?

MAX (WHISPERING)

No means yes.

GARY

Oh. You sound like a rapist now.

MAX

I assure Gary any sex I have is non consensual.

THEY EAT IN SILENCE

GARY CONT.

I better get to work then.

GARY TAKES HIS COAT AND CASE

MAX

Don't you mean "not to work"?

GARY

Right, yeah, not to work.

MAX

Layabout.

GARY

Outstanding.

MAX (UNDER HIS BREATH, CONCENTRATING)

Stand-around.

GARY (PICKING UP A NEWSPAPER BAG AND WAVING IT IN MAX'S FACE)

Don't you work too hard.

MAX (NODDING HEAD)

No, no.

GARY EXITS. MONTAGE OF MAX LYING AROUND THE FLAT

EXT. ROAD- DAY.

GARY CYCLES TO WORK IN A HELMET

EXT. BLUTECH- DAY.

GARY WALKS INTO WORK

INT. BLUTECH- DAY.

AN OFFICE. GARY WALKS UP TO KEN, A LARGE, BALD MAN STANDING BY THE WATER
COOLER

KEN

You want some water boss?

GARY (NONPLUSSED)

Yes Ken that'd be lovely.

GARY SPEAKS INTO HIS BLUTOOTH EARPIECE WHILE IN THE BACKGROUND KEN DISMANTLES THE TANK OF THE WATER COOLER IN ORDER TO POUR A CUP, CLUMSILY FALLING AND DRENCHING HIMSELF

GARY

Yes that would be possible. No, not at all. Mrs. Johnson I can assure you- I mean yes! Of course. I'll speak to you this afternoon. What? Is it? Well its that time of the month where things get a bit difficult. Yes. Well, up until now I'd say its been a great cycle. I'm sorry? No I don't think it should smell like that. All great chemists, Mrs. Johnson. If you're looking for maximum absorbency, I'd go pearl. Yes, tampax. Okay, goodbye Mrs. Johnson, see you soon.

GARY LEAVES KEN, HAVING FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE WATER. HE WALKS TO HIS OWN PERSONAL OFFICE, BUMPING INTO JENNA, his ASSISTANT ON THE WAY
JENNA

Gary! You're here, Adams said you need see him ASAP, also Mark isn't for the
next month so you're going to need to speak to HR about finding a suitable temp.

GARY

A month! What happened?

JENNA

He touched an egg.

GARY LOOKS QUIZICALLY JENNA

JENNA

At room temperature!

GARY

Oh! God, yeah, I forgot about that whole thing.

JENNA
Yeah, the doctors have said it might actually be more of a psychological
thing. Mind over matter, you know?

GARY (WALKING AWAY)

Yeah yeah, well we'll get him a card. I want those papers on my desk by 3.

GARY MAKES HIS WAY TO HIS BOSS' OFFICE AND ENTERS TO DISCOVER THE ROOM
UNOCCUPIED

GARY

Sir, you wanted to see me? Sir?

ADAMS OS

I knew I would be visited by you today, Glitter.

GARY

Well Sir, you did ask for me.

ADAMS

Come and find me.

GARY LOOKS TO THE CUPBOARD ADAMS' VOICE IS HEARD FROM

GARY

Are you in the cupboard sir?

THE CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS, REVEALING ADAMS, WHO STEPS OUT

ADAMS

That was a tight squeeze.

ADAMS REACHES OUT AND SQUEEZES GARY'S NECK AS GARY RECOILS

ADAMS

Squeeze.

ADAMS RETRACTS HIS HAND

ADAMS

I squeezed you because I said squeeze.

ADAMS ATTEMPTS TO SQUEEZE GARY AGAIN

ADAMS

Squeeze.

GARY KNOCKS ADAMS AWAY

GARY

Yeah, I got that. Why did you call me in here?

ADAMS PRESENTS HIS HAND GARY

ADAMS

Well, Glitter, as you can see on the back of my hand, sales figures have risen by 0.2% in the past quarterly, it's brilliant.

GARY (CONFUSED)

I thought they'd fallen.
ADAMS

No, I know them like the back of my hand.

ADAMS SLOWLY RAISED THE BACK OF HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AND LICKS IT WHILE STARING AT GARY

GARY

Oh! Well, if you're sure, that's brilliant. Thanks for letting me know.

GARY GOES TO LEAVE ADAMS' OFFICE

ADAMS

Don't go just yet.

ADAMS RETRIEVES A DUSTY PARTY HAT "IT'S A GIRL" PRINTED ON IT

ADAMS

You're being promoted.

GARY

What? Really? Sir I can't than-

ADAMS (INTERRUPTING)

Think nothing of it, child.

ADAMS SLOWLY APPROACHES GARY INTENT ON PUTTING THE PARTY HAT ON HIS HEAD

ADAMS

I've been watching you, and what I see pleases me in ways you can't imagine. You excite me, Glitter, and you satisfy all of my needs. You'll be briefed on your new position tomorrow.

ADAMS ATTEMPTS TO PLACE THE PARTY HAT ON GARY'S HEAD, GARY AGAIN RECOILS

GARY

Well, Sir, I best go and keep up the good work then eh?

GARY EXITS THE ROOM, ADAMS ENTERS THE CUPBOARD. GARY WALKS THROUGH THE OFFICE, BUMPING AGAIN INTO JENNA

JENNA

Hi, what did he want then?

GARY

Not much, I only got promoted.

JENNA

Oh really, that's fantastic Gary, yeah, really good.

GARY

Thanks Jen, I'll see you later on then.

ADAMS CONFUSEDLY WATCHES GARY THROUGH THE BLINDS OF HIS OFFICE WINDOW GOING ABOUT THE OFFICE SMILING AND LAUGHING WITH PEOPLE, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WLAKS BACK TO HIS DESK

CUT TO MAX LYING DOWN ON THE FLAT'S SOFA. THE PHONE RINGS. MAX ANSWERS.
MAX

Hello

GARY OS

Max, I've been promoted!

MAX

What, you're going to the moon?!

GARY

What? No you idiot, as of tomorrow I am deputy sales executive.
MAX

Oh, I thought you'd been promoted to astronaut.

GARY

How could that possibly happen? How?

MAX

Power has changed you.

GARY

And you're an idiot. I'm going to throw a party for all the worker ants.

MAX

Um, ok.

GARY

So we're going to need party hats, nibbles, balloons, the classics.

MAX

Do you realise you're asking a lot?

GARY

Just go to the supermarket! They'll have what we need.

MAX

Are you sure?

GARY

I'm f**king positive!

GARY HANGS UP

INT. BLUTECH OFFICE- DAY.

GARY STANDS ON A TABLE

GARY (SHOUTING)

Everyone!

NONE OF THE OFFICE WORKERS TURN AROUND

GARY CONT.

Guys! Hey!

NOBODY HEARS HIM. GARY TURNS TO KEN, STILL SOAKED

GARY CONT.

Ken would you?

KEN LETS OUT A LENGTHY CALL ("AAAAAAA"). EVERYONE TURNS SUDDENLY

GARY CONT.

Hey everyone I-

KEN IS CONTINUING TO CALL

GARY CONT.

Yeah Ken thanks.

KEN CLOSES HIS MOUTH

GARY CONT.

Hey everyone I've been promoted!

ONE OR TWO PEOPLE CLAP HALF HEARTEDLY, KEN SHAKES HIS ARMS IN THE AIR

KEN

Yes!

GARY

So to celebrate, after work let's all party at my place!

INT. SUPERMARKET- DAY.

MAX IS WANDERING THE AISLES

MAX

Worker ants, worker ants.

MAX APPROACHED A FEMALE SHOP WORKER

MAX

Hello, do you have any food for worker ants?

SHOP WORKER

Worker ants?

MAX

Yes, I'm throwing a party for some worker ants.

SHOP WORKER

You mean like, a work party?

MAX

For the working ant, yes.

SHOP WORKER

Like, insect ants?

MAX

ANTS!

TWO GROWN MEN DRESSED AS ANTS NEARBY TURN AROUND DRAMATICALLY

SHOP WORKER

I don't think we have anything for ants, sorry.

MAX BEGINS TO WALK AWAY

MAX

Racist!

INT. SECOND SUPERMARKET- DAY.

MAX IS FORAGING ON HIS HANDS AND K NEES IN THE AISLES FOR THE SMALLEST FOODS AVAILABLE, IN HIS BASKED ARE SOME KID SIZED SNACKS AND BABY FOOD. A SHOP WORKER APPROACHES MAX

SHOP WORKER #2

Can I help you there?

MAX

You can't help me!

SHOP WORKER #2

Oh, uh, alright.

MAX

No it's not alright! It's not alright!

MAX GATHERS AN ARMFUL OF CRISPS FROM THE SHELVES AND RUNS DOWN THE AISLE

INT. THIRD SUPERMARKET- DAY.

MAX SHIFTILY APPROACHES A SHOP WORKER

MAX

You got any food for worker ants?

SHOP WORKER #3

We've got some specially formulated food just for beetles!

SHOP WORKER #3 PCIKS UP A BOTTLE LABELLED BEETLE FOOD FROM THE SHELF

MAX

No, no, no!

MAX KNOCKS ALL OF THE BOTTLES OF BEETLE FOOD FROM THE SHELF BEFORE RUNNING OUT OF THE SUPER MARKET

INT. THE FLAT- AFTERNOON

MAX IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RROM, MAKING TINY HATS OUT OF PAPER, SEVERAL OTHER TINY HATS REST AROUND HIM. CRUMBLED CRISPS IN A BOWL, AN EGG CUP OF WINE AND FUN SIZED CHOCOLATE BARS ARE ON THE TABLE. THE PHONE RINGS

GARY OS

Max, did you get the food for the party?

MAX

Yeah, kind of.

GARY

What, how hard is it to buy food for people?

MAX

People, I thought you said ants!

GARY

What? There are no ants coming to this party Max.

MAX

Sorry lads you'll have to leave.

THE TWO ANTS SEEN EARLIER IN THE SUPERMARKET LEAVE, MUTTERING

GARY

Who are you talking to? Why are you talking about ants? What on ear-

MAX

Nobody, it doesn't matter. I'll go to the supermarket now.

GARY BITES HIS KNUCKLE AND EXHALED HEAVILY

GARY

Okay, Bye.

INT. OFFICE- DAY

GARY IS ROAMING AROUND THE OFFICE TERRORISING HIS STAFF

GARY

Jen, I need those papers now!

JENNA

Gary you said three!

GARY

That's Mr Glitter to you little miss papersbythree, I need them now! I don't have time for this shit. You're on thin ice Jen, thin ice. The ice went to slimming world and was forced to stare at a lump of lard and told its children would miss it when it died prematurely and now, well now Jen its
bordering anorexia. I don't have time!

JENNA

Oh God alright, they'll be there asap.

GARY

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

JENNA TURNS TO LEAVE

GARY

FUCKING RUN, SPRINT YOU WHORE!

GARY LEAVES TO GO TO HIS OFFICE. THREE OTHER OFFICE WORKERS START A CONVERSATION ABOUT GARY

OFFICE WORKER #1

Jesus Christ, he needs to calm down, it's only a promotion.

JENNA IS SEEN SPRINTING PAST

OFFICE WORKER #2
Yeah, all of a sudden he's terrorising the whole office. What's he been promoted to, terrorist?

OFFICE WORKER #2 SNORTS. NOBODY ELSE LAUGHS, BUT THEY DO LOOK AT HIM STRANGELY

OFFICE WORKER #3

Yeah, he's like Raul Promoat.

OFFICE WORKER #1 LAUGHS

OFFICE WORKER #2

Yeah, like he's a terrorist or something.

BOTH OTHER OFFICE WORKERS LEAVE AWKWARDLY, WHILE #2 DEVESTATEDLY GETS UP AND WALKS TO HIS DESK TO OPEN HIS DRAWER, REVEALING A NOOSE. A SINGLE TEAR RUNS S DOWN HIS CHEEK

INT. GARY'S OFFICE- DAY.

JENNA WALKS INTO THE OFFICE TEARFULLY

GARY

Yes Mrs Johnson, the meeting was wonderful, no, it wasn't a problem. Well, we're all human under these clothes. I'm sure the stain will come out. Okay bye.

GARY SEES JENNA

GARY

Jen could you just mind out of the way there.

JENNA MOVES

GARY

That's it.

TWO MEN WALK IN DRESSED IN OVERALLS, HOLDING A LARGE PORTRAIT OF GARY AND PROCEED TO PUT IT ON THE WALL

GARY

What was it you wanted then?

JENNA

I, I have the papers.

GARY TAKES THE PAPERS AND PLACES THEM IN HIS SHREDDER

GARY

Whoops, I slipped, it's all this thin ice.

GARY SHUDDERS

GARY

I'm frosty, and you shouldn't be out this far, you could fall through.

JENNA BEGINS TO CRY

GARY (SAVAGELY)

PAPERS!

TWO MEN DRESSED AS NEWSPAPERS TURN AROUND DRAMATICALLY

JENNA LEAVES THE ROOM AND GARY WATCHES HIS PORTRAIT PLACED

GARY

A little to the left.

INT. FIRST SUPERMARKER- AFTERNOON

A DISHEVELLED MAX APPROACHES SHOP WORKER #1

MAX

I need food, for a party!

SHOP WORKER #1

Ooh, it's you again, look what I found!

SHOP WORKER #1 PRESENTS A TIN LABELLED,"ANT FOOD"

MAX (ANGRY)

What's this supposed to feed? Ants? Listen here

MAX INSPECTS HER NAMETAG- SINEAD

"Sin 'ed" Why don't you just can it?

MAX PUSHES SINEAD INTO THE NEARBY STACK OF CANS, SHE WRITHES IN PAIN AS HE ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE. WHEN SHE GRABS HIS ANKLE, MAX GRABS A TIN OF PEAS AND HITS HER FORCEFULLY IN THE FACE. SINEAD SCREAMS AND MAX RUNS AWAY WITH THE PEAS

INT. SUPERMARKET #2- AFTERNOON

MAX HAS A BASKED FILLED WITH ACTUAL PARTY FOOD AND DRINK, AS WELL AS SOME INEXPLICABLE GAMMON. HE APPROACHES THE SELF SERVICE CHECKOUT

MAX

F**king thing isn't working.

ASSISTANT

Oh, you need to pop it in the bagging area love.

MAX

Oh, right.

MAX PLACES THE GAMMON ON FLOOR

ASSISTANT

No, love, the bagging area.

MAX PLACES THE GAMMON ON TOP OF THE MACHINE

ASSISTANT

The bagging area!

MAX PERFECTLY PLACES THE GAMMON ON THE ASSISTANT'S HEAD, WHO EXPRESSIONLESSLY POINTS TO THE BAGGING AREA

ASSISTANT

Over there, dear.

INT. PARTY SHOP- AFTERNOON.

MAX APPROACHES THE ASSISTANT

MAX

I need to get some stuff for a small get together, what would you recommend?

ASSISTANT

Well, some party poppers, a few napkins, plastic cups, the works.

MAX

What about balloons?

ASSISTANT LIFTS UP A COCOON

ASSISTANT

Cocoons?

MAX

Balloons.

ASSISTANT LIFTS UPS A CHEST WHICH HE OPENS, CONTAINING GOLD PIECES

ASSISTANT

Doubloons?

MAX

BALLOONS!

TWO PEOPLE DRESSED AS BALLOONS DRAMATICALLS TURN AROUND

ASSISTANT

Oh, balloons.

MAX BUYS THE BALLOONS

MAX

Do you get much business selling cocoons?

ASSISTANT PRESENTS A BASSOON

ASSISTANT

Bassoons?

INT. OFFICE- AFTERNOON

OUTSIDE GARY'S OFFICE, KEN IS STILL INEXPLICABLY WET FROM THE WATER COOLER INCIDENT, AND CARRIES IN A PATHETIC PAPER CUP OF WATER. HOWEVER HE SLIPS ONTO HIS BACK SPILLING IT ALL OVER HIMSELF

GARY IS LEAVING HIS OFFICE WITH HIS CASE

GARY

Ken you've really got to mind the thin ice around here.

KEN

I, I got you a cup-

GARY

Yes I'll see you later Ken.

INT. FLAT- NIGHT.

GARY STANDS IN A DECORATED FLAT. MAX IS IN THE KITCHEN

GARY

Could you ah - come over here Max?

MAX (CLOSING THE OVEN)

What?

GARY

Listen, I don't know if you've invited him but Bernard - he can't come tonight.

MAX

Gary, he's my dad!

GARY

I just think he'd make people uncomfortable.

MAX (SIGIHING)

Okay.

GARY

So that's sorted.

GARY WANDERS AWAY, BUT PICKS UP A WAFFLE MAKER WITH GOOGLY EYES GLUED ONTO
IT

GARY CONT.

What on earth.

MAX

Ah. Thought you might find that. That's Doctor Waffleson.

GARY

Doctor Waffleson.

MAX

Yeah. I thought - you've got a lot of people from your side, so I thought
I'll have one from my side.

GARY

Your side? It's a waffle toaster! It's my waffle toaster!

MAX

You don't want my dad to come, you don't want my doctor to come!

MAX STORMS AWAY

GARY

He's not a doctor! He's not medically qualified!

INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.

THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. The ANT, NEWSPAPER AND BALLOON PEOPLE CAN ALL BE SEEN IN THE BACKGROUND. THE OFFICE COHORT DRINK AND CHAR. GARY IS SPEAKING WITH SOME COLLEAGUES. A BOWL OF PEAS AND A GAMMON LIE AMONG THE REGULAR PARTY FOOD

GARY

So I told her, I told her "It's fr-r-r-osty!"

THEY ALL LAUGH

ANOTHER GROUP OF OFFICE WORKERS ARE GATHERED, MAX AMONG THEM

#1

Have you seen the bowl of f**king peas over there?

#2

I know! What sort of mentaloid planned this party?

MAX

I think it's nice someone has went to the effort to set out food for the
guests.

#1

Some f**king mad pea enthusiast obviously.

THEY ALL LAUGH EXCEPT MAX

#3

Did you see there's a whole gammon over there?

#2

What goes through a person's mind when they bring an entire gammon to a
party?

#1

"Duh look at me I'm-a gonna bring a gammon to a work do"

#3

Nobody invited Ken, did they?

Ext. ROAD- NIGHT.

KEN RUNS, STILL SOAKED, WITH A SINGLE CUP OF WATER

INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.

MAX

I quite like gammon it's-

#1 GOES AND PICKS UP THE GAMMON FROM THE TABLE, WINGING IT AROUND AND GRUNTING

#1

I'm the bellend that bought the gammon!

MAX TACKLES #1 AND DRAGS HIM TO THE KITCHEN WHERE HE PLACES HIS HAND INSIDE DOCTOR WAFFLESON FLICKING THE ON SWITCH

MAX

Insult my gammon, eh? Let me introduce you to Doctor Waffleson!

#1

What the hell man? It's not even hot anyway.

MAX

Yeah you have to wait a minute for it to heat up.

#2

That's not bad actually, where'd you get it?

MAX

Online.

#2

Oh.

#1

Guys its getting hot.

#1 TRIES TO REMOVE HIS HAND. MAX CLAMPS DOWN HARDER. GARY ENTERS ANNOYED

GARY

What the f**k are you doing you f**king idiot? That's for waffles, not the hands of my colleague. Wait, you don't work at Blutech.

#1
I know, I only came because I knew there would be gammon, I'm sorry just free my hand.

#2

I thought I didn't recognise you.

#3

Yeah he told me he was from I.T.

MAX

Explain yourself.

BLACK AND WHITE

INT. SUPERMARKET- DAY.

REPLAY OF MAX BUYING GAMMON AT SELF SERVICE CHECK OUT

#1 (O.S)

It all started when I saw you in the supermarket

IN THE BACKGROUND #1 LURKS

#1 (O.S)

Buying your gammon, carrying it home

MAX (O.S)

What does it all mean?

#1 (O.S)

That this was all an elaborate plot to steal your ham which has been cured
or smoked like bacon.

MAX (O.S)

I don't understand.

#1 (O.S)

I mocked the gammon, I insulted the gammon, but all along I was trying to get closer to it.

INT. THE FLAT - NIGHT.

A SMALL CIRCLE HAS FORMED AROUND #1 AND MAX, WHO STILL SITS ON TOP OF HIM WITH HIS HAND IN THE WAFFLE MAKER

MAX

You mean, you don't work at Blutech?

#1

No I- I thought I explained that at the start

#1's HAND BEGINGS TO STEAM AND HE CRIES IN PAIN

GARY

Max let go of the madman's hand

MAX RELEASES HIM AND HE FLEES THE FLAT

GARY CONT.

Alright everyone as you were.

THE MUSIC RETURNS AND THE PARTY RESUMES

INT. THE FLAT- MIDNIGHT.

THE ANT PEOPLE ARE EATING PEAS FROM, THE BOWL AND FARY SPEAKES TO SOMEONE
AMONG TO THE PARTYGOERS

GARY

That Jen, she's going to be the first to go. I mean, I think the office is a better place without her. Frankly. I'm not saying this because I am drunk, I'm saying it because it's the truth. I mean when she was on leave, you
know, for the abortion, work rates went through the roof.

JENNA IS THE PERSON HE IS SPEAKING TO, LOOKING DISGUSTED. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND ADAMS ENTERS

ADAMS

Gary! Just the person I wanted to see.

HE CHECKS HIS WATCH

ADAMS CONT.

Minute past twelve. Excellent. I just wanted to clarify that you've been demoted.

GARY

What? But when? Why?

ADAMS

When I told you on opposite day, that you had been promoted, I in fact meant you had been demoted.

GARY

That's completely mad.

ADAMS

So we're on the same page.

GARY SITS DOWN

GARY

What the f**k.

ADAMS

Yeah.

HE SEES THE GAMMON

ADAMS CONT.

Ah! Gammon, my favourite!

ADAMS STRIDES OVER TO THE GAMMON AND EATS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE

MAX

Well this party is dead. After party at my place!

THE PARTYGOERS CHEER AND FLOOD OUT OF THE FLAT WITH MAX LEADING. GARY IS
LEFT WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS ADAMS DEVOURS THE GAMMON

EXT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.

THE PARTYGOERS CHEER AS THEY POUR OUTSIDE

#2

Where about do you live?

MAX

Somewhere around here.

MAX REALISES HIS MISTAKE AND POINTS TO THE DOOR THEY CAME FROM. THEY ALL CHEER REGARDLESS AND HEAD BACK INSIDE

INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.

AN ANT PERSON IS PATTING GARY ON THE BACK, STILL SEATED. MAX OPENS THE DOOR

MAX

Hey guys, Gary's already here!

THEY ALL CHEER AND THE FESTIVITES RESUME

INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.

THE PARTY IS OVER. REMAINS LIE ABOUT THE PLACE. GARY IS ASLEEP IN THE SAME CHAIR. A LOUD OPENING OF THE DOOR AWAKES HIM AS KEN PANTING AND STILL SOAKED ENTERS, HOLDING A CUP OF WATER FOR GARY. IT SLIPS FROM HIS FINGERS ONTO THE FLOOR. KEN LETS OUT A SOB AND RUNS OUT. ADAMS LOOKS UP FROM THE GAMMON WHICH HE HAS FINISHED

ADAMS

Damn good gammon Gary.

He SAUNTERS TO THE DOOR

ADAMS

Catch you tomorrow, assistant sales executive.

ADAMS LEAVES. MAX STUMBLED PAST GARY CLUTCHING HIS STOMACH

INT. THE BATHROOM- NIGHT.

MAX THROWS UP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. IN HIS VOMIT ARE NEWSPAPER CUTTINGS
WHICH SPELL OUT "THE END"

END

Avatar

Rupe

  • Monday 27th October 2014, 10:40am
  • Espoo, Finland
  • 116 posts

On the plus side, it's wacky and inventive, and some of the absurdism of the script is promising - although some of it leads down a dead-end.

On the minus side, the restless invention of new and absurd details gets tiring after a while. The characters, their motivations and the relationships between them aren't properly established for the audience. Who are these people, what do they want? What are the points of conflict between them? Where's it going?

Avatar

Pugsmith

  • Monday 27th October 2014, 12:48pm [Edited]
  • 70 posts

Very true, guess its very easy to assume you've established these things just because you know them. Will definitely try to make them clear and hopefully give the whole thing more depth.
As for the absurd, perhaps I have got carried away!
Oh well, redraft redraft redraft.
Thanks Rupe

Yep, have just compared this we the other I wrote and there are definitely things that should be made explicit here. And yes, I do think that some of the absurd situations are being thrown out there without any need or outcome. Will try to find the right balance of human and absurd.

Avatar

bushbaby

  • Monday 27th October 2014, 2:31pm
  • England
  • 3,502 posts

I like this but its rather like my writing... American sitcom format. British TV editors seem to prefer much wordier dialogue....i.e each character saying longer lines. Yours is quick fire, which I like but I doubt the editors will :)

Avatar

Pugsmith

  • Monday 27th October 2014, 5:29pm
  • 70 posts

Bushbaby I'm glad that you liked it. I suppose I do prefer the quick fire dialogue and perhaps this ties in with what rupe was saying. Time to persevere!

Avatar

sootyj

  • Monday 27th October 2014, 6:27pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

You've definitely got an ear for snappy, quickfire dialogue which is good.
You can structure a funny scene well.
Characters are still a little shallow and you seem to be pushing gags out over setting and character which can be a little wearing.
But overall a great start.

Avatar

Pugsmith

  • Monday 27th October 2014, 6:54pm
  • 70 posts

Cheers sooty I really appreciate that and totally understand the last point, I will try to find more of a balance in the next draft.

Avatar

Mattytheswan

  • Tuesday 28th October 2014, 10:09am
  • England
  • 175 posts

Just wanted to say that on the whole I enjoyed reading this. Some funny visual scenes in there as well as the snappy dialogue. I agree with the other comments though about depth of characters and plot structure. Without these things I think this sort of absurd humour might wear thin, which would be a shame because I like things like this. I look forward to the next draft. Good luck.

Avatar

Craig H

  • Tuesday 28th October 2014, 11:48am
  • Scotland
  • 919 posts

Hey Pugsmith.

Really enjoyed reading that. Got about 1/3 of the way through last night before eyes were like dogs balls.

Will try and get back with some constructive feedback at some point.

Nice one!
Craig

Avatar

Pugsmith

  • Tuesday 28th October 2014, 12:13pm
  • 70 posts

Cheers Matty and Craig for reading, much appreciated- and yeah Matty that's something I'm gonna try to improve on next draft :)

Avatar

enigmatic

  • Thursday 4th December 2014, 7:51pm
  • England
  • 241 posts

I'm not sure I like the gammon thief or the noose; most of the rest of the surrealism seems to work though.
The opposite day theme and the way it sets up the callback with the boss at the end and more than enough for a finale, though I think that scene could probably use a rewrite to drag it out a bit more, something along the lines of:

ADAM: Minute past twelve. Excellent. I just wanted to clarify something I said earlier

GARY: About my new position?

ADAM: Yes, about that

GARY: I've been working on the strategy plan this afternoon. [blah blah blah cretinous enthusiasm]

ADAM: There seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding about yesterday

GARY: Oh..

AWKWARD PAUSE. EVERYBODY THAT CRITICISED THE GAMMON IS NOW EATING IT WITH OBVIOUS RELISH

ADAM: Gary, when I told you... yesterday, that you had been promoted

MAX's GRIN WIDENS

ADAM: I'd actually decided to demote you. It was opposite day Gary.

GARY: That's.... insane

SOMETHING ELSE OPPOSITE TO WHAT WAS SAID EARLIER HAPPENS

ADAM: Ah, gammon, my favourite.

And as an aside, the character actually being a Mr Glitter isn't funny. The character being nicknamed Glitter and trying to act like he doesn't mind would be.

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Pugsmith

  • Friday 5th December 2014, 2:05am
  • 70 posts

Thank you for your feedback, enigmatic. Yeah, it does seem that some of the surrealism is a bit, well, daft really. Redrafting has been happening for a while, trying to improve the characters.
As for that little rewrite, loved it, "obvious relish," brilliant. That is something I will do with the end scene, so thank you. The Glitter thing, yeah. I agree to be honest, and have dropped it already.
Thanks again :)

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Paul Wimsett

  • Friday 5th December 2014, 11:35am
  • Folkestone, United Kingdom
  • 3,392 posts

I'm not sure I warm to the people dressed as newspapers. What newspapers are they?

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Pugsmith

  • Friday 5th December 2014, 12:27pm
  • 70 posts

In the redraft its the mail and the guardian and they end up scrapping after a few drinks