SOOTYJ ADRESSES THE POV OF THE VIEWER AND TALKS INTO A MICROPHONE ALA Roger Cooke ONLY SEXIER.
SOOTYJ
Good evening and welcome to Sootyj tonight. Meet Alfred Cheesesandwich a man like anyman, a man like you. If you'd just spent 3 months in a low security home for the mentally ill.
POV SWINGS TO REVEAL Arthur Cheesesandwich A DUBIOUS LOOKING FELLOW IN A DODGY LOOKING PARKA SITTING ON A FOLDING CHAIR.
SOOTYJ
So Alfred tell me where it happened?
ALFRED
Well I was allowed out of the home for 2 hours on a sunday provided I returned home on time, took my pills and knew the police would be called if I was even slightly dirty.
So I thought I'd go to church, I like the hats those big, black ladies wear. Whore's blossoms I call 'em
SOOTYJ
Alfred!
ALFRED
Sorry. Well I was hanging around after the other parishoners had gone home.
SOOTYJ
Why was this?
ALFRED
Well I wasn't sniffing the seats where the really jolly ladies had been sitting that's for sure!
SOOTYJ and ALFRED LAUGH CONSPIRATORALLY
ALFRED
That's when he came upon me. He took me by surprise and came all over me.
SOOTYJ
It's a little unusual for even the most degenerate paedophile Priest to jump a fully grown middle aged man.
ALFRED
It wasn't the priest you ding aling. It was him Lord God Almighty, Yahweh the big chief and no mistaking.
SOOTYJ
God raped you?
ALFRED IS NOW SOBBING LIKE THE BIG GIRL'S BLOUSE ALL PERVS REALLY ARE
ALFRED
Oh everyone at church said I was blessed, I was chosen, he had put his mark upon me. He put his mark bloody well up me I was violated!
SOOTYJ
Did you tell anyone, try to run away?
ALFRED
How can I runaway he's flipping omnipresent!
CAMERA SWITCHES STRAIGHT ONTO SOOTYJ'S SMOULDERING STARE (LIKE ESSENCE OF BLUE STRATOS)
SOOTYJ
Tonight on the Sootyj report, is God a rapist?
SCENE 2
SOOTYJ IS IN A DODGY PUB SITTING OPPOSITE ARCHBISHOP ARSEHOLE, A GRUBBY FELLOW IN A STRING VEST, FAKE LOOKING NECK BRACE AND A BISHOPS HAT.
SOOTYJ
Archbishop Arsehole is God a rapist?
ARCHBISHOP DRAINS HIS PINT AND CLEARS HIS NOTE NOISILY
SOOTYJ HANDS HIM A THICK WAD OF CASH
ARCHBISHOP
Fanks I ain't bishoped since my industrial accident. Is God a rapist? You fackin' bet. Look at Adam and Eve spying on them in the nuddy, tempting 'em with fruit then attacking them with his snake.
SOOTYJ
I see but couldn't this be one mistake by a young deity?
ARCHBISHOP
He snuck that Moses up a mountain and gave him 2 tablets, bet they wer rohypnol.
SOOTYJ
This is shocking, but didn't he see the error of his ways with the Old Testament?
ARCHBISHOP
Yeh some bleeding chance, that Jesus Christ his own son. Nailed to a piece of wood, or was he nailed with wood eh eh?
SOOTYJ STARES RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA IN OPEN MOUTHED SHOCK
SCENE 3
SOOTYJ STANDS OUTSIDE IN STORMY WEATHER AND SPEAKS INTO CAMERA POV
SOOTYJ
This is Sootyj for world in Sootyj, is God a rapist.
A BOLT OF LIGHTNING FLASHES DOWN
SOOTYJ WAVES HIS FIST AT THE SKY
SOOTYJ
Missed me you perverted diety.
THE POV SLOWLY SWINGS UPWARDS TO THE SKY IMPLYING THE CAMERA WAS HIT BY LIGHTNING
SOOTYJ
Unholy knickers!
