Paul Greasby is the sort of man you WOULDN'T want hositng a kids show. Opinionated, egotistical and totally convinced he is the best there is. Sadly, he has a dark side too.

This is the first few pages of a script which I am working on at present.

SCENE 1. THE FIRST
F/XOOR OPENS

PAULCHEERY) Good morning, Good morning. I hope I find you very well. Good morning, good morning to you. And you. And you. And youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

EMILYomeone is in a good mood this morning. Lost your virginity?

PAUL:Ha. Ha. I need to tell you Emily, nothing can put me in a bad mood today. Nothing.

ROD:And the reason for this…jolity?

PAUL:The reason is I have just bought Alistairs' Mercedes Benz 280 SEL 3.5 V8.

ROD:That old thing?

EMILY:I would have thought you'd have more sense.

PAUL:You see, you people know what of what you speak. The car is a collectors' item. It's like me. It turns heads.

ROD:Too bad it doesn't turn corners.

PAUL:Mmm?

RODteerings' knackered. Oh, and don't go up and down any hills. Brakes.

EMILY:And for some reason if you open the boot while the driver is in his seat, there's a good chance you'll burn his buttocks with the in built seat heater.

ROD:Then there's the lights. I think the word to describe them is sonar.

EMILY:The welding. It’s like the Flinstones underneath

ROD:The locks are as secure as Paris Hiltons’ chastity belt.

EMILY:The engine smokes so much it looks like a steelworks.

RODlus the main reason he’s selling it is his wife leaned on the door and landed on the hard shoulder.

PAUL:….Well, it's an old car. You have to expect these little things. Anyway, at least it's not a stupid Golf or a fiat Chicaquito.

EMILY:It's Cinquecento

PAUL:What sort of name is that for a car? It's like something off of Countdown.

EMILY:It's Italian. It means five hundred.

PAUL:Five hundred? What's that? What it's worth? They are so small. You can't do anything in there. You carry a roll of sellotape, you have to use the boot.

ROD:Gets her from A to B.

EMILYo when you picking it up?

PAULA BIT MIFFED) I've got a truck coming.

F/XOOR OPENS

SANDY:Everyone! Production meeting. Room six.

SCENE 2. BRIEFING

SANDYo, Rod, we've done our homework and your piece on the endangered Red Squirrel was so well received, we've arranged for you to take the camera back down to the reserve and do a special.

ROD:Happy Mondays!

SANDY:Emily…now, we've had a little meeting in the production team and we feel that you should cover the closure of that wildlife reserve, do a catch up with some of the animals that were rehomed.

EMILY:Great! I loved that Mr Banabas. He was so kind to the animals.

SANDY:Ah, the man who adopted the leopard?

EMILY:Yes. Hand fed it and all. He was fun.

SANDY:Yes, he was. I'm afraid he's…unavailable.

EMILYh. You've spoken to him?

SANDY:I've spoken to his widow. Paul…now, you’ll be back in the studio linking it all together, but we do have a interesting piece about snails.

PAULnails? How are snails interesting? The only way they are interesting is is the word snail is followed by the words fleur de lys

SANDY:Are you questioning my production decisions. Again?

PAUL:Yes, frankly I am. I should be out there, meeting the experts. I know the questions to ask.

SANDY:No, Paul, the last time I sent you out the question, you asked, live on childrens’ television, was ‘What the bastard hell is that?’.

PAUL:It’s a valid question.

SANDY:I’m not prepared to have my programme ruined again by bad language and rudeness. You stay in the studio.

PAUL:I will not. You are wasting one of your best assets, you do realise that? I can communicate with people on all levels.

SANDY:Yes,a nd they all think you are a twat.

PAUL:A…did you call me what I think you called me then?

SANDY:Yes. Oh, look…Rod, Emily - Would you excuse us, please?

EMILY & ROD:Yeah. Sure. Okay.

F/XOOR CLOSES

SANDY:I will not have you question my editorial decisions.

PAUL:It's not right. I have years of experience. What are these things? Slugs wearing hats.

SANDY:They're molluscs. And to be honest, Paul, if I sent you down there with the leopards, I know there would be trouble.

PAULMIMICING) I know there would be trouble.

SANDYaul.

PAUL:Well, I mean. And while I am at it and we’re alone, I resent that you imply my people skills are anything less than brilliant. I get the best out of people. I'm good with people. Ask anyone.

SANDY:Good with people. Let's see, shall we? Last series we sent you down to
Chertsey Junior school with that chimpanzee.

PAUL:It was a good little bit.

SANDY:Let's have a look at the results. Ah yes. Three wounded, most of the third year in psychiatric evaluation and the chimp is still on the lose.

PAUL:That was one incident.

SANDY:That was one of the incidents. And look at this. Most other childrens' shows get little pictures of the presenters. Gifts. Cute pictures. You are the
only childrens' presenter I have ever met who gets hate mail in crayon.

PAUL:It's all idle threats.

SANDY:You're not that popular. Paul. Look, I have to be honest…we're thinking of dropping you in the next series.

PAULropping me?

SANDY:Yes. Our research shows you are not received all that well by some of our key demographic. By key demographic I mean humans.

PAULropping me. Right. Well. You can take your snails and stick them. I know where I am not wanted.

SANDY:Good.

PAUL:I mean it, I'm going.

SANDY:Good.

PAULeriously. I go out that door, I won't be coming back in.

SANDY:Make sure you twist the handle to the left otherwise it sticks.

F/XOOR SLAMS

SANDY:…you're still here

PAUL:I want you to think a bout this. No Paul Greasby. No Greasbys' Critters.

SANDY:Thought. Decided. Moved on.

PAUL:Well, Sandy. This is goodbye. And I wish you luck. I think you are going to need it.

F/XOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT

SANDY:…other side Paul.

F/XOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

SCENE 3. BOARDROOM

PAUL:The thing is, Alistair, I can't work with that woman. You’re the Boss. You can overrule her. Go on. Overrule her. Go on.

ALISTAIRaul, I can't interfere in my staffs' programming. It sets a very dangerous precident.

Let me know if you think this is okay or not. I value feedback. If you have sent me stuff offline for feedback I have diarised three hours tomorrow to do it. (Thurs)

I think this is great, Ed.

Very good. Excellent. Have a cheque for a series of six with an option for eight more series, a TV show, movie, book and trowel set.

Hello Ed. I liked it although it reminded me a bit of Roger Mellie (Viz). Maybe not quite so OTT.

Where is it going though? Looks like he's got the elbow.

I enjoyed this very much. Excellent.

Bo.

Quote: Bohannon @ June 28, 2007, 8:27 AM

I enjoyed this very much. Excellent.

Bo.

View original

Merci.

Quote: David Chapman @ June 28, 2007, 7:51 AM

Hello Ed. I liked it although it reminded me a bit of Roger Mellie (Viz). Maybe not quite so OTT.

Where is it going though? Looks like he's got the elbow.

View original

The story arc is he gets another job on a programme which is entirely unsuited where he is very much the bottom of the pecking order. He attempts to climb, fails. Has to really beg for his job back, without making it look like he is begging for his job back.

Enjoyed it a lot.
(Apart from the figurative language describing the car. Suddenly everyone is talking half-baked similes!)

Best.

YeY Ed.
Very very good.xx

I enjoyed it too. Well done Ed.

Yup, liked it - very well written.

Nice one Ed - only just got a chance to read it.

Thank you all so much for your comments. This has been a real pain to work on because there are so many preliminary drafts, and this is by far the best, better than any previous draft.

I really mean it, thank you all.

I enjoyed reading it Ed, i think the ideas a great one and Paul is a great character who i'm sure you could do a lot with. I think your idea for the story arc sounds very good too, so hopefully we'll see some more scenes soon!

I don't feel good saying that it didn't make me laugh ... but it didn't ... despite me wanting to. Some of the car references are mildly funny but a lot of it I thought rambled from one point to the next without actually getting anywhere. But I seem to be in the minority on that score. Written well though ... just didn't amuse me.

Quote: losaavedra @ July 1, 2007, 5:23 PM

I don't feel good saying that it didn't make me laugh ... but it didn't ... despite me wanting to. Some of the car references are mildly funny but a lot of it I thought rambled from one point to the next without actually getting anywhere. But I seem to be in the minority on that score. Written well though ... just didn't amuse me.

View original

Fair enough.

Where's me paracetamol? LOL