Topical, ish. Your feedback appreciated, especially whether or not the football references are okay for non-football fans (I think the names are well-known enough) and on the other side of the coin, whether the footie bits are appreciated by footie fans. Or anything else for that matter.
I should state that I am not an Ipswich fan, by the way. But I'm not not one either.
NEW MANAGER
A FOOTBALL CLUB CHAIRMAN'S OFFICE. THE CHAIRMAN BECKONS IN HIS CHIEF EXEC.
CHAIRMAN:
Sit down Colin, sit down. As you know there's never been a more important decision for Ipswich Town Football Club.
CHIEF EXEC:
Yes Mr Chairman, and that's why I've made a shortlist of the best available managers...
CHIEF EXEC ATTEMPTS TO HAND A PIECE OF PAPER TO CHAIRMAN WHO DISMISSES IT.
CHAIRMAN:
Don't worry yourself with lists, Colin. I've been watching Sky Sports News. In HD. We need to take our lead from Liverpool.
CHIEF EXEC:
Really sir?
CHAIRMAN:
Come on, it's obvious when you think about it! The future is the past! Tomorrow is history!
CHIEF EXEC:
Mr Chairman?
CHAIRMAN:
Do I have to spell it out Colin? Liverpool want league success and look backwards to Kenny Dalglish. So I'm going to offer our job to... Alf Ramsey!
CHIEF EXEC:
What?! Quite apart from the fact he's dead, Sir Alf...
CHAIRMAN:
(INTERRUPTING) Plain Alf, if you please. I don't want any of his unsuccessful post-knighthood record.
CHIEF EXEC:
...but... but... Alf wasn't even our most successful manager! That was Sir Bobby Robson.
CHAIRMAN:
I know. And that's why I'm inviting Bobby (BEAT) to be Alf's assistant.
CHIEF EXEC:
But he's dead as well! Have you gone mad?
CHAIRMAN:
Of course I know they're dead, Colin - I'm not an idiot! That's why I'm also appointing the legendary medium Doris Stokes, to communicate the tactical genius of our erstwhile management gurus to our first team squad. Apart from goalies, I'll do that myself.
CHIEF EXEC:
(BAFFLED) Unless I'm mistaken, Doris Stokes is dead as well.
CHAIRMAN:
Precisely why I'm also making Derek Acorah off of Most Haunted our Technical Adviser. He'll be given free reign to communicate with Doris, who will in turn send the tactical prowess of Alf and Bobby direct to the team.
CHIEF EXEC:
Doesn't sound all that direct...
CHAIRMAN:
You can't have too many layers of communication in a modern football club, Colin. Write that down! On second thoughts, get someone else to write it down and get them to ask someone to pass it on.
CHIEF EXEC:
Right.
CHAIRMAN:
You don't seem convinced? Okay, here's plan B. How about getting Roy Keane back? I hear he's growing another beard.
CHIEF EXEC:
I'll get the Ouija Board.
END.
