Hi there

I would really appreciate some FB on the script below, I am new to this website but used to having V critical FB so please don't pull any punches. My main concern is: is it too bleak?

Thanks you

Gemma x

GRIMROD by Gemma Rigg

FADE IN:
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
A SHADOW OF A POSTMAN AT A SHABBY FRONT DOOR RINGS A DOORBELL.
PETER GRIMROD A SAD LITTLE MAN IN HIS SIXTIES SCUFFLES TO THE DOOR IN HIS GRIMY PANTS AND VEST.

GRIMROD
Who is it?

POSTMAN
Postman!

GRIMRODS SWEARS, GROANS AND MUTTERS TO HIMSELF BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR.

POSTMAN
(CHIRPY) Peter Grimrod? Could you sign here please?

GRIMROD SNARLS AND SIGNS.

GRIMROD
Oh, before you go, can you take these?

GRIMROD BRANDISHES A PILE OF LETTERS ADDRESSED TO ‘MRS DOREEN GRIMROD’. HE SEEMS TEARFUL AND STRUGGLES TO SPEAK.

GRIMROD (CONT
She’s gone.

POSTMAN
Sure no worries Mr Grimrod. Bye.

GRIMROD CLOSES THE DOOR AND SCUFFLES INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS HE OPENS HIS MAIL.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY (CONTINIOUS)
A SHABBY DAMP LIVING ROOM REVEALS A FRAMED PICTURE OF A HAPPY GRIMROD WITH HIS WIFE. IT HAS A SCREWED UP NOTE NEXT TO IT WITH A READABLE MESSAGE:
“DEAR PETER, I’VE LEFT YOU, YOU MISERABLE OLD BASTARD, LOVE DOREEN XX.. PS. DON’T FORGET TO PAY THE GAS…”

GRIMROD THROWS THE MAIL ON THE TABLE.

GRIMROD
(TO HIS MAIL) Load of old bollocks!

HE LOOKS LONGLINGLY AT THE PHOTO OF HIM AND HIS WIFE AND SIGHS.
HE SWITCHES ON THE TV AND SLUMPS ON THE SOFA. AN UPBEAT NEWSREADER BEAMS FROM THE TV SET:
NEWSREADER
...the acidic rain cloud is not expected to disperse until November and has already caused considerable damage…

GRIMROD LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AT THE RAIN. HE NOTICES HIS PLANTS WILTING AND SOME ARE FLAT AND DEAD.

NEWSREADER
…pensioners are up in arms today as the chancellor of the exchequer announces pensions will be reduced this year by 10%, while gas and electricity bills are expected to rise by…

GRIMROD
(TO THE PRESENTER) Oh f**k off your chirpy bastard!

GRIMROD ABRUPTLY SWITCHES OFF THE TV. HE SKULKS OUT OF THE ROOM.
CUT TO:

EXT. GARDEN – DAY (LATER)
GRIMROD SKULKS ACROSS THE BACK GARDEN AND INTO THE SHED. HE REMOVES SOME ROPE AND A LADDER.
HE LEANS THE LADDER AGAINST A TREE.
HE MAKES A NOOSE OUT OF THE ROPE.

GRIMROD
(TO HIMSELF) My life is like a dogshit.

HE GLUMLY CLIMBS THE LADDER.
HE CHOOSES A STURDY BRANCH AND TIES THE ROPE TO IT. HE PLACES THE NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK. WHEN SATISFIED HE KICKS THE LADDER AWAY. THE LADDER FALLS TO THE GROUND.

THE BRANCH SNAPS.
GRIMROD FALLS TO THE GROUND IN A SLUMP.

GRIMROD
Bollocks!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLWAY – DAY (THE FOLLOWING DAY)
A BUNDLE OF MAIL ARRIVES THROUGH A SHABBY LETTERBOX. GRIMROD EFFORTLY PICKS UP THE MAIL IN HIS PANTS AND VEST.
HE SCUFFLES INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS HE GLUMLY LOOKS THROUGH HIS POST.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY (CONTINIOUS)
DISSATISFIED, GRIMROD THROWS THE MAIL ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

GRIMROD
More poxy bills!

HE LOOKS LONGINGLY AT THE PICTURE OF HIM AND HIS WIFE.
HE SWITCHES ON THE TV. IT’S THE SAME CHEERFUL NEWSREADER AS YESTERDAY.

GRIMROD
(SARCASTICALLY TO NEWSREADER) What joys have you brought today?
NEWSREADER
… more than thirty pensioners have been killed this month by distracted bus drivers using their mobile phones whilst driving…

GRIMROD LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.
NEWSREADER (CONT
…this comes after controversial news that the government plan to charge pensioners for bus passes from early next year.

GRIMROD SIGHS.

GRIMROD
It’s all just bollocks.

WITH THE WEIGHT ON HIS SHOULDERS HE TURNS OFF THE TV.
CUT TO:

EXT. GARAGE – DAY (LATER)
GRIMROD INSERTS A HOSE PIPE INTO THE EXHAUST PIPE OF HIS CAR. HE ROUNDS IT UP TO THE WINDOW AND SECURES IT.
INSIDE THE CAR HE SWITCHES ON THE ENGINE.
HE WAITS.
THE CAR COUGHS. THE PETROL GAUGE SHOWS IT’S EMPTY.

GRIMROD
Bollocks!!!

INT – BATHROOM – DAY (LATER – SAME DAY)
A BATH IS RUNNING. GRIMROD HURRIES INTO THE BATHROOM ARMED WITH A HAIRDRYER. HE CAREFULLY PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR.
HE URGENTLY SLIPS INTO THE BATH IN HIS PANTS AND VEST.
HE GENTLY PICKS UP THE HAIRDRYER. HE SWITCHES IT ON.
HE BRACES HIMSELF.
HE PLONKS THE HAIRDRYER INTO THE WATER.
NOTHING HAPPENS.
HE INSPECTS THE HAIRDRYER WHICH REVEALS AN INSCRIPTION ON THE HANDLE READING “UNDERWATER HAIRDRYER”

GRIMROD
(FURIOUSLY) Bollocks!!! Bollocks!!! Bollocks!!!

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY – DAY (THE NEXT DAY)
A BUNDLE OF MAIL ARRIVES THROUGH THE SHABBY LETTERBOX. GRIMROD EFFORTLY PICKS UP THE MAIL AS BEFORE.
HE SCUFFLES INTO THE LIVING ROOM

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY (CONTINIOUS)
HE TURNS ON THE TV. IT IS THE CHIRPY NEWSREADER AGAIN. HE STARTS TO OPEN HIS MAIL.

NEWSREADER
…this breakthrough cancer cure should be available to sufferers within the next few weeks….

GRIMROD LOOKS PERPLEXED AT THE TV.

NEWSREADER (CONT
… And finally, firemen rescued a kitten this morning which had been trapped in a well for sixteen days…

GRIMROD OPENS AN ENVELOPE. INSIDE IS A LETTERHEAD FROM THE ‘NATIONAL LOTTERY’ STATING THAT HE HAS WON £3.5 MILLION.
HE JUMPS UP IN GLEE. HE DOES A LITTLE DANCE AROUND HIS LIVING ROOM AND KISSES THE NEWSREADER ON THE TV.

HE PICKS UP THE PICTURE OF HIM AND HIS WIFE.

GRIMROD
Haha! I bet you wished you never left now eh!! Haha!
CUT TO:

EXT. A MONTAGE OF GRIMROD DOING GOOD DEEDS DOWN A HIGH STREET:

GRIMROD SKIPS DOWN THE STREET WITH GLEE.
HE SWINGS AROUND LAMP-POSTS WHILST HE SINGS.
HE EMPTIES HIS POCKETS INTO A BEGGAR’S HAT.
HE HELPS AN ELDERLY LADY ACROSS THE ROAD.
SUDDENLY GRIMROD IS KNOCKED DOWN BY A BUS.
THE BUS DRIVER QUICKLY HIDES HIS MOBILE PHONE.
GRIMROD IN A HEAP ON A ROAD.

GRIMROD
Bollocks!

GRIMROD DIES.

FADE OUT

A little long but great twist. I really liked this. Good stuff.

Hi Gemma

It's good and done well. Bit long though and I could see the ending coming. A couple of lines/actions to divert the viewer's attention could be in order so that the ending is a surprise. ie. have him jump out of the way of the bus. Close-up. 'Phew! That was close'. Pan out. Small aircraft slams down into him.

Or something.

Hope that's helpful

Dan

Thanks for your responses so far very helpful.

I was thinking of having him receive a letter from his wife begging he could come back instead of the lottery (and then have him killed) but I thought it was toooo sad. What do you reckon to this?

Gemma

Works as it is, I think.

You could potentially have both; wins pools, wife rings up straight away, gets killed in a not-quite-so-obvious kind of way.

Dan

Quote: mondi @ May 25, 2007, 1:19 PM

(SARCASTICALLY TO NEWSREADER) What joys have you brought today?
NEWSREADER
… more than thirty pensioners have been killed this month by distracted bus drivers using their mobile phones whilst driving…

GRIMROD LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.

GRIMROD SKIPS DOWN THE STREET WITH GLEE.
HE SWINGS AROUND LAMP-POSTS WHILST HE SINGS.
HE EMPTIES HIS POCKETS INTO A BEGGAR’S HAT.
HE HELPS AN ELDERLY LADY ACROSS THE ROAD.
SUDDENLY GRIMROD IS KNOCKED DOWN BY A BUS.
THE BUS DRIVER QUICKLY HIDES HIS MOBILE PHONE.
GRIMROD IN A HEAP ON A ROAD.

GRIMROD
Bollocks!

GRIMROD DIES.

FADE OUT

View original

I think it works well with these two parts coming together well at the end.

That's one unlucky dude! Yeah it's a bit long for a sketch but it works well as a story. I have been trying to make the transition from sketch to stories. It's very hard!

If he's a nasty old bugger who doesn't deserve happiness then it's def. not too bleak. If he's a lonely old geezer down on his luck then... it makes me sad!! And it Could be too bleak. But there are bleak stories!! So why not?!

In my head I pictured this as a dark 3D animation with grimrod looking like the BFG....Er, thats probably not relevent but i'll carry on!

Maybe towards the end he could do some small positive thing, which is why he then gets some good luck. At the moment there's no reason for his luck to change...er, other than just luck.

I had an example but I scribbled it out as it's your story!

Anyway, keep it up!!!

I agree with Swerytd - a little predictable - but so grimly atmospherically written.

I thought the cure for cancer was going to help him too because maybe he's riddled with it too. Hilarious eh?

Yes - I did like it.