I would appreciate feedback on this as I'm trying to develop a sketch show for a character comedian and this was one of my ideas. Thank you.

SCENE 1. BUILDING SITE. DAY

TREV AND BARRY (BUILDERS) ARE HAVING A BREW

BARRY:
Hows Dan doing?

TREV:
Didn't you hear, he committed suicide last week

BARRY:
Wow, really, I know he was depressed but what can you think what could have pushed him over the edge?

TREV GIVES A DISTANCE LOOK

MIX TO:

FLASHBACK. BUILDING SITE. DAY

JOLLY SONG IS PLAYING. TREV AND DAN ARE WORKING ON A BUILDING SITE. DAN IS DRILLING. TREV PLAYFULLY PUTS THE DRILL CORD AROUND HIS NECK PRETENDING TO HANG HIMSELF. THEY BOTH LAUGH.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK (CONT'D). BATHROOM. DAY

JOLLY SONG CONTINUES. TREV AND DAN ARE IN A BATHROOM FIXING TILES. TREV SEES SOME PILLS AND PRETENDS TO CHUG THEM DOWN. THEY BOTH LAUGH.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK (CONT'D). LIVING ROOM. DAY

JOLLY SONG CONTINUES. TREV AND DAN ARE WORKING IN A LIVING ROOM. TREV PUTS HIS SCREW DRIVER IN A PLUG SOCKET AND PRETENDS TO BE ELECTRICUTED. THEY BOTH LAUGH.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK (CONT'D). FIELD. NIGHT

JOLLY SONG CONTINUES. TREV IS IN A FILD SMOKING A FAG, WITH A BEER CAN IN HIS HAND, SHAGGING A SHEEP

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK (CONT'D). KITCHEN. DAY

JOLLY SONG CONTINUES. TREV AND DAN ARE WORKING IN A KITCHEN. TREV PULLS OUT SOME BLEACH AND PRETENDS TO DRINK IT. THEY BOTH LAUGH.

TREV:
No. I wish there more I could have done.

Really liked it, could really picture the flashbacks. Actually had me laughing which is very rare when reading stuff for me

Hi ajp

I like it but I think there are too many examples. Think you need to stick to the rule of three for maximum effect. Personally I'd drop sheep and bleach.

You could extend the sheep sketch to a 'Dan's been arrested for bestiality' sketch and make it a series with the suicide one the last of three sketches or something like that.

Hope that's helpful

Dan

I think Dan is right... but overall, that's bloody funny. Had me laughing!

Thanks, I think i may cut it down but i like the idea of making the comedian shag a sheep in a field so I may include it.

Quote: Stuart Laws @ May 15, 2007, 10:27 AM

Really liked it, could really picture the flashbacks. Actually had me laughing which is very rare when reading stuff for me

View original

... Same as! The guy in the Internet cafe thought I was odd. This is great 'cause it's really silly and over the top, and it's cool to have visual gags - they stay in the mind better than witticisms but it's easy to forget this when you're in front of a blank page. My only criticism is that it doesn't have Melanie C nude in it.

Agree with what was said, too many flashbacks. Three is the magic number usually. But it was indeed a very go sketch.