here we go. probably too long to make the show. or too groundbreaking to broadcast. or just a bit shit.

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MILES:Tory skills minister John Hayes has been accused of being out of touch, after proposing that people hit by the recession should take up dancing or flower arranging in order to get over the misery of unemployment. In a bid to find out if Mr. Hayes proposal has any possible credence, Newsjack has been following long term unemployed shop worker David Wolfe for the last week.

FXound of kettle boiling, and cup of tea being made.

DAVID:I was made redundant November of last year. The company I worked for went into administration, and all staff were laid off. It's put a real strain on me and Brenda...the wife. We argue a lot about money now, and it's really hard to meet the mortgage payments.

It's the stress of not knowing where the money is going to come from for clothes for the kids and stuff. That's why I was really interested in hearing John Hayes proposal about the unemployed taking up dancing and flower arranging to lift the spirits. I mean, I could really do with something right now to get me out of this dark sense of fear and despair that is increasingly engulfing my life.

FX:High street sounds, cars etc.

DAVID: (WALKING DOWN STREET) Thursday. Signing-on day. This is usually quite a depressing time for me. But last time I was in, the job centre said there was a chance of some jobs coming up at a local warehouse. So here's hoping.

FXound of door opening and closing.

FXound of door opening and closing.

DAVID:No. Nothing doing. Apparently the warehouse went into administration and laid off 200 staff. So now there is even more competition for jobs, and less chance of me getting back to work and out of this all consuming slump of sorrow and agony. Jesus I feel really low now. So if you don't mind, I'm just going to take John Hayes advice and do a little tap dance in a bid to banish the blues.

FXound of David tap-dancing on the pavement. Fade out.

GRAMS:Fade up the sound of a hip-hop beat.

DAVIDOUT OF BREATH) It's Saturday. I'm in me kitchen. and I'm doing some breakdancing. I find the kitchen is the best 'cause of the lino like. (SOUNDS LIKE HE'S STRUGGLING). Actually best stop that while I speak. Phew. You should have seen me robot before, I've got it down to a tee. Well, today has been really hard, as it was little Megan's birthday.

GRAMSwitches music off

DAVID:And she's been hinting for months that she wants this bike. Now God knows I've tried to find the money for that bike. I've quit smoking, I've quit drinking, but still the money is just going on bills. We got her a skateboard. Just a 2nd hand one from a charity shop, it's all we could afford. She didn't say owt when she opened it. But you could just tell by the look in her eyes. She hugged me, and she said "I love you dad" and went upstairs. I went past her room later, and I could hear her crying.

DAVID:It's a hard thing for a dad not to be able to make his daughter happy. It makes you wonder if they'd be better off without you.

GRAMSwitches hip-hop beat back on

DAVID:Now, check out this windmill.

GRAMS: Fade music out.

DAVID:Cha, cha cha, cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. Brenda has left me. Cha cha cha, cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. The poverty and the arguing about money got too much for her, cha cha cha, cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. The woman I've loved since we were 18. Cha cha cha, cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. And she's gone.

I've been doing the Rumba for the last 17 hours. (BEAT) God, I miss her so much already. We received a court summons yesterday for a repossession of the house. It was a breaking point. The kids are at their Grans at the moment. We haven't told them yet.

I've been dancing for a week now, and I must say I don't really feel any better for it. Next week, I'll try the flower arranging.

Hey Trabs

It's very downbeat (no pun intended)! First thought is that you certainly need a few more one-liners in it to bring the tone up.

I think the paragraphs are too long as well, plus it's a bit of a monologue which I've not really heard Newsjack do (certainly not recently) so maybe the one was a bit different. I think it could work as a telephone conversation with Miles (despite me thinking there are too many of them!) but it could be geared to that style with the dancing going on while they're talking.

Oh, and you missed a trick with the job centre gag -- change 'warehouse' to 'job centre went into administration'

Hope this is useful

Dan

Cheers Dan,

I really appreciate the feedback. I was conscious that it also went on too long before the 1st gag (if you could call them that), which for a fast paced show isn't a great thing. Need to get my sketches to do some sit-ups and get themselves trim.

and that job centre gag is a goodun.