British Comedy Guide

NewsRevue Sketch - "Royal for President

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Ian Wolf

  • Thursday 3rd May 2007, 12:45pm [Edited]
  • Stockton-on-Tees, England
  • 2832 posts

I have, for the first time, had a sketch which is going to be performed. It is a sketch for NewsRevue, about the French elections. Here is the script below.

"ROYAL FOR PRESIDENT"

A FRENCH NEWSREADER IS AT THE NEWSDESK. SÉGOLÈNE ROYAL IS SITTING NEXT TO THE NEWSREADER.

NEWSREADER:
Bonjour and here is France’s main headlines. The race for President is currently between the head of the French Conservative Party, Nicolas Sarkozy and the leader of the Socialist Party, Ségolène Royal. Well, we have Madame Royal is in the studio now. Madame Royal, bonjour.

ROYAL:
Bonjour.

NEWSREADER:
Madame Royal, what do you think are the main problems for you in the election?

ROYAL:
Well, I do not see too many problems for me. After all, I made to the final round of voting. But both the party and I agree that the main problem for me in winning the election is my name.

NEWSREADER:
Your name?

ROYAL:
Oui. Moil name is "Royal". If you want to the president of a republican country, then "Royal" is by far the worst possible name you could have. With the possible exception of "Bush".

NEWSREADER:
So, how have you tried to overcome this problem?

ROYAL:
Simple. I’m going to change my name. We have just talked to some focus groups, and we have come up with a list of names that the French public find most appealing.

NEWSREADER:
And what are they.

ROYAL:
Well, by far the most popular name was, "Le Pen".

NEWSREADER:
As in "Jean-Marie Le Pen"?

ROYAL:
I know, it is not good for the image. But I have agreed to adopting "Jean-Marie" as a middle name.

NEWSREADER:
What are the other names?

ROYAL:
Well, they include, "Camembert", "Moët", "Boulangerie", "Brassiere", and "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey". Although we think that last one is the result of some hackers in Los Angeles.

NEWSREADER:
So, which name are you choosing?

ROYAL:
Probably, "Brassiere". The party thinks that it will appeal not only to the public, but to our friends abroad. Already my political agents are ringing The Sun newspaper in England for a page 3 shoot.

NEWSREADER:
But surely wearing expensive lingerie is not a Presidential duty?

ROYAL:
On the contrary, by dressing in this way, we believe that France could be the most respected nation on the planet. (PAUSE) Not in a good way, but still, it’s going to get us noticed.

NEWSREADER:
But isn’t there a danger that people from other countries will think of the French as a nation of perverts who just make love all the time?

ROYAL:
Well, either way, we’re probably screwed.

NEWSREADER:
Madame Ségolène Jean-Marie Brassiere, merci.

ROYAL:
Merci.

END

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Baumski

  • Thursday 3rd May 2007, 12:54pm
  • England
  • 1583 posts

Congratulations on breaking through. The line I loved was "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey"

Good stuff.

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ajp29

  • Thursday 3rd May 2007, 1:24pm
  • England
  • 5486 posts

Tres bon Ian

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Ian Wolf

  • Thursday 3rd May 2007, 6:29pm
  • Stockton-on-Tees, England
  • 2832 posts

Thanks very much!

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Lewis Roberts

  • Thursday 3rd May 2007, 11:38pm
  • Southampton, England
  • 644 posts

Very tres bon (yeah i got a E in G.C.S.E french all those years ago.

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Chappers

  • Friday 4th May 2007, 1:44am
  • Surreyish., England
  • 27470 posts

Very good - and I have to admit that I do find her very attractive.

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Ian Wolf

  • Friday 4th May 2007, 2:44pm
  • Stockton-on-Tees, England
  • 2832 posts

Thanks again.

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Fred Peters

  • Monday 7th May 2007, 12:12am
  • England
  • 616 posts

WEll done, Ian! I've given up on that lot for now after they requested more of my sketches but never performed them. Should never give up I s'pose. Anyway, I like the sketch and very well done you!

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