SCENE 1. INT. INSIDE JACKS KITCHEN (9 am)

JACK:
For fatsnake you've gotta be kidding me with this...
way too far way way... I trusted that plank and his
vodka mudslide drinking freak of a friend...one step
too far this time.

JACK TAKES SOMETHING OUT THE FRIDGE THE RUNS UPSTAIRS.

JACK:
Hey MINNELLI...Why's the cast of PET CEMETERY doing poses
on my kitchen table... hey MINNELLI i'm talking to you

MATT:
no you not... your'e bursting my eardrums as per

JACK:
What do you look like... fell asleep eating Coco pops again...
it might help if you took off your eye mask... what went on last
night... some kind of animal autopsy for the mentally insane...
i dont want to know... just get your fat arse up and start bleaching...
before Rolf Harris turns up with the BBC's animal hospital team.

JACK THROWS SOME ALPHABET SPAGETTI OVER MATT

MATT:
still on the alaphabet of food alarm clock then

JACK:
you should be thankful i wanted to pistol whip you.

MATT:
still going through your gangster rap phase

MATT EVENTUALLY JOINS JACK INSIDE THE KITCHEN

JACK:
your on in five MISS MINELLI

MATT:
Cutting...loose against Veronica Pigtail this morning did we...
the Olympics becoming a distant dream are they

JACK:
just clear out the dead

MATT EVENTUALLY ENTERS THE KITCHEN

MATT:
ok dont bust a head vein.

JACK:
what were you and Damien Hurst up to last night

MATT:
Jasper popped around once you went to bed at about seven...
we had a few sherbets and he decided to help me with my art
exam...we wanted to brake the bounderies a little

JACK:
a little...we've have the towns road kill in here

MATT:
I wanted to be different

JACK:
so did CHARLES MANSON

MATT:
Moooooving on jasper brought some dead animals for me to
dress up and photograph for my finals

JACK:
doing taxidermy now are we.

MATT:
art is very demanding since Tracy Emins bed

JACK:
whatever...you have twenty minutes...so Vorderman...
get cleaning.

To be honest, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Is it a sketch? You should write a small paragraph explaining the setup and give us an idea of what we should be seeing in our minds eye.

I had to keep re-reading the lines as well, either I still haven't woken up fully or it isn't flowing naturally.

Basically Jack has recieved a house from his grandparents but the will
is being contested. Matt is his lodger and is an art student Jasper is also
and art student that helps with his projects Jack came down to witness some
of matts work entitled "is it really dead" matt and his drunken mate had tried to recreate Damien Hursts work in the kitchen... and it all evolves from there
Jack wants to enter the Olympics and Matt wants to be an artist but jasper just wants to cause hassle

Hi Reiss

I too had to read it a couple of times for it to make sense and that's after your description.

First thing is, your work is going to get rejected if you don't sort out the spelling, grammar and punctuation. The script readers don't want to have a hard time reading it so you have to make it as easy as possible for them to read. Bear in mind that we're polite enough to read it here as we're not professional, but someone who's got 20 scripts to read a day will struggle over the first half a page, think 'Bollocks to this hard slog' and chuck it in the bin.

I don't think it flows particularly well as there seem to be a lot of insults flying around slowing the pace. You kind of want bang-bang-bang punchlines. Insults need to be dealt with quickly with a single retort and then end of. See this article for an excellent explanation: https://www.comedy.co.uk/writers/why_audiences_laugh.shtml

I can kind of see the plot being set up straight away which is very good, but not sure if it's a good idea or not as there isn't enough of it happening yet. Maybe you need to post the first three/four scenes for us to get a better idea, though please check what I said above before you do.

Hope this is helpful

Dan

I found the lack of punctuation irritating.

"you should be thankful i wanted to pistol whip you."

and

"You should be thankful. I wanted to pistol whip you."

have different meanings!

Also, a brief description of the kitchen in Scene 1 would help understanding, I think.

Cheers i like your advice i'm new to this forum lark and i wrote it quick ooops sorry though i like your advice

Ok i will take your advice on board but keep the pistol you might need it

Quote: Reiss Ellesse @ April 19, 2007, 3:26 PM

i wrote it quick ooops sorry though i like your advice

View original

It's probably more valuable for you to post the 'polished' scripts that the BBC rejected rather than something you wrote 'quick'.

Will do in future, I have the dictionary by my side as I type. I have six finished sitcom pilots and have started a new sketch show called "Planet Bubble gum" Thanks again for the advice. Reiss Ellesse.